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Monday 29 April 2024

The Tools, Accounts and Internet Options Farrago...



Breaking News: the Devon & Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled as they couldn't decide whether The Jam or Cream should go first. I was supposed to be helping Cat Stevens repair his caravanette. Awning has broken…

Q) What's red and keeps going: "Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep?"

A) The Liverpool FC open top parade bus reversing back into the garage.

Any recommendations for music to listen to while I’m fishing? Preferably summat catchy. If you have any ideas, then let minnow.

Yesterday, I caught the missus going through the neighbour’s bins. She's not nosey, just terrible at parking. She’s a nosey-parker.

I have just purchased a new sofa and chair. The salesman at the furniture store told me: "This sofa will seat five people, without any problems." I sez: "I don’t know five people without any problems, all my family and friends are totally unhinged.”

Saturday morning, Barmy Albert got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped silently into the garage, hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a tempestuous down pouring of rain. The wind was blowing at fifty miles per hour, so he reappraised his options and reversed back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be horrendous all day. He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed and cuddled up to Non-Stick Nora, now with a different anticipation and whispered: "The weather out there is terrible." Nora replied: "Can you believe my stupid husband has gone out fishing in that?" That's when the fight started!



I’d been in bed for twenty minutes, before I realised that I’d just gone upstairs for a pen. Moreover, over many years I've bought maybe two hundred or more fridge magnets. Should I buy a fridge or fridge freezer to put them on?

Benefits of serving green tea to guests: 1) you look sophisticated and wealthy. 2) You save on milk. 3) They won't ask for more. 4) They won't come again. Result!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Donald Trump. Donald Trump who? Perfect... you're on the jury.

I phoned BT technical services last week because of a PC problem and he asked me if I was in front of my computer. I affirmed this, he then asked me to: “Right click on tools, accounts, internet options, then properties.” I told him he was going too fast. He then asked me: “Sorry. What have you done up to now?” I replied: “I’ve written click…”

The weather has been frightful of late and shows no sign of improvement. I’d like to thank my neighbour for placing a cover over my car last night, when it was frosty. Ta, Pauline.

Many folk come from the “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you something.” Generation. Whereas, I’m from the: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you summat to cry about!” generation. We are not the same.

Fascinating Fact: My three worst subjects at skool were spilling and moths.



Olaf the Viking is shopping in Tesco, when he encounters octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle on her zimmer frame, almost in tears. “Wassup?” asks Olaf. “Oh!” sobs Elsie, I want to have a shufty at the frozen puddings, but as you can see, there’s two steps down into the chiller cabinets.” “Don’t worry.” sez Olaf, as he lifted her onto his back “I’ll take you.” Olaf then proceeds to saunter through the chiller cabinets, with Elsie on his back. She selects several puddings and places them in the basket that Olaf is carrying for her. At the opposite end, Elsie’s husband Tommy is waiting, with her zimmer frame. “I’d really like to thank you very much.” Says Elsie. “But I don’t even know who you are!” Olaf merely gives her the thumbs-up and wanders off. Tommy Grabknuckle declares: “I was very worried about you. What have you been doing?” with all the dignity that she could muster, Elsie told him: “I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse, with no name….”

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Barmy Albert discovered this when he had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.’ He stormed in to Non-Stick Nora, and announced: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make mad passionate love, then afterwards, you are going to run me a bubbly bath so I can relax, meditate and contemplate. You will then wash my back with that new loofah and towel me dry and bring me my dressing gown. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” Nora replied: “The funeral director would be my first guess.”



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