The Dead Duck Farrago....

                                            

Yesterday, I contacted Tameside Hospital to advise them that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I hereby give my permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly  informed me that this isn't an option for a sprained ankle....

I learn summat new every day! If the missus ever sez: "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."   "Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

Back in the day, I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me: "Where the hell did you find her? She's boss-eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.”  When I eventually got her in my bedroom, she proclaimed: “You’ve never removed a girls bra before, have you?” I replied: “What makes you say that?” She replied: “The scissors….”

Fascinating Fact: Bigamy: one wife too many; Monogamy; same thing.

                                       

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle brought a very limp duck into the veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away." A distressed Elsie wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left them in the room, and returned a few moments later with a huge  black  Labrador Retriever.  As Elsie looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad, eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a Siamese cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced an invoice, which he handed to Elsie. still in shock, she took the bill, "£180! she cried, £180 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £180.00."

 

 

Non-Stick Nora goes up to the bar her local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife. She gestures alluringly to Cyril, the barkeep, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, Nora seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you in charge tonight?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no, but it’s the landlord’s night off and he’s upstairs" Cyril replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  "I’m afraid I can’t," breathes Cyril. "Is there anything I can do?"  "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she, continues, running her hands across Cyril’s beard.  "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say out of breath.  "Tell him: "she whispers, "there is no bog roll in the ladies khazi."

                               

Isn’t it very sad, when your kids grow up and leave home to go and stare at their phones somewhere else? You remember all the happy times you’ve had whilst they were little. When my daughter Suzie Nellie (26) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated nom-de-plume of Copper Du Maze. I was constantly taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed upstairs into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”

 

Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week in Stalybridge, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly, so as not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs that he realized that he was on the 237 bus!

 

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                              

Yes! We Have No Chinese Chicken Wings....

                                              

It was fancy dress night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora had hired some magnificent costumes and gone dressed as two owls.  They were both playing pool in the games room, when Nora inadvertently potted the white ball. Barmy Albert proclaimed: “That’s two hits to me!” Nora replied: “Two hits to who?”

Went to view a house yesterday, with period features. She hates it when I call her that...

Whenever a woman sez: “We need to talk," why is it never about football? I sez to the missus: "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!

Last night, I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"

The wife is one of four sisters and they’re all named after stones.  She has a younger sister called Ruby, a wonderful sister called Pearl and a lovely older sister called Sapphire.  The missus is called Pumice.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters the confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the inebriated bloke just sits there in silence.  Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles: "Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!

                                         

This little girl sez to her Dad: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked: "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Popped into the local convenience Co-Op store and asked for a box of Ty-Phoo tea bags.  The girl behind the counter said:   "Sorry, it’s off the shelves, due to the Houthi Rebels attacking merchant ships in the Red Sea." I sez:  "Oh alright, do you have any Chinese Chicken Wings?" The shop assistant replied:  "Ah that’s another problem, it’s been withdrawn due to the Asian bird flu health scare.” I composed myself, and proclaimed:  "Well do you have any Turkey Twizzlers?”  "Sorry, not available, due to the health scare" came the repetitive answer. "What about those spicy chicken rissoles topped with goat’s cheese, garlic and sauté potatoes?" I politely enquired. She looked at me with disdain and informed me:   "No, can’t supply that item, due to the current bird flu health scare".  "So, they’re all off the shelves because of the health scare?"  Shop assistant "Yes."  With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez to her: "Just give me forty Lambert and Butler cigarettes, they’ll keep me off the vapes!”  "That’ll be £24.89" came the reply.  Then, to compound an already unfortunate farrago, our budgie died of flu.  It flew under a bus!  Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I’ve put on acres of timber since Christmas. In a desperate bid to lose weight, I’m employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door last night and the door fell off its hinges!

                             

I was so desperate to shed weight, that I made a doctor’s appointment. I outlined the problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently, I have an overactive knife and fork...

An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers alighted, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with our airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a zimmer frame  She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down by the Russians?"

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a scouser on the new BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

                                            

Confessions of Tommy Grabknuckle....

                                                  

I was in Tesco getting a sandwich and a packet of crisps and the young lady on the checkout looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink.  I told her that I was married and she shouted: “It’s part of the meal deal, you cretin!”

 

A lifelong agnostic, octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his local church to make his confession for the first time in his entire life. When the priest opened the panel in the confessional booth, Tommy told him: “During World War 2, a gorgeous woman knocked on my door and pleaded with me to hide her from the enemy.  So, I hid her in the attic.”  The priest answered: “That was a wonderful thing you did my son, there’s no need to confess about a good deed.” Tommy opined: “It’s worse than that, father, in order to repay my favours, she started to reciprocate by cooking me wonderful meals, baking delicious cakes, pies and performing all the household chores, like doing the washing and cleaning.” The priest went on: “Well if you’re truly sorry for your actions, all those years ago, then you are forgiven.” Tommy sez: “Thank you father, that’s a great weight off my mind, but may I ask you just one question?” The priest replied: “Certainly, what is it that troubles you, my son?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Tommy asked the priest: “Should I tell her that the war is over?”

 

Q) What has five toes and isn't your foot?

A) My foot.

                                              

 

Top Tip: Leaving a door key with a trusted neighbour, saves having to break your window, if perchance you are locked out. If they’re out, you can break their window to get your key.

Non- Stick Nora was in bed with Barmy Albert’s best mate Sid, when the phone suddenly rang. Nora answered and after hanging up, she says: “That was Albert. He won’t be home for a while,  because he’s in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub playing darts with you!”

Doctor Williams was having breakfast on his day off, with his wife, when he gets a phone call. He hears the voice of his fellow practise GP,  who declares: “We need a 4^th for golf.”  His wife asked: “Is it serious?” The doctor replied: “Definitely. There are three other doctors there already!”

 

Chester Draws needed a blood transfusion. However, his blood group was not on record, they asked Elsie, his missus if she knew what it was, in order to save his life, but sadly she had never known it. So, she only had time to hold his hand as he faded away. Elsie would never forget how supportive Chester was during his final hours. He kept on whispering to her: “Be positive. Be positive!” But that was Chester all over, he was always thinking about others.  This is not a typo….

Many years ago (when the dead sea was only ill) I bought a new car. It was a purple car and I found it to be very expensive to run because it guzzled petrol, so it had to go.  I then purchased a blue car and found that it was difficult to maintain, you just couldn’t get the parts.  After that I acquired a red car and found that I had tremendous difficulty in starting the engine each morning, plus the brakes were faulty and it generally had a lot to be desired.  It was designed badly.  After that, I decided to buy myself a yellow car, so I saved up the tops of 100,000 Birds custard packets and before I knew it, the yellow car was my proud possession.  Bad move!  It turned out to have an intermittent electrical fault that would never be cured.  I had no option but to get rid of the vehicle.  These days, I drive a silver car.  No problems whatsoever!  If I could recommend my readers to buy a car, whether it be new or used, leasehold or hire purchase, then a silver car is the one to own.  However, nowadays, the government advise that we ALL should have a green car. We live in strange times.  We have cars that drive themselves and Post Offices that rob themselves, albeit remotely!

 

Riddle me this: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there, does it make a sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Such is technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

                                          

 

 

 

UK Cabaret Magazine Feb 2024

 

Small minority wanted....

                                          

The rain was tempestuous and the storm was gathering apace, when Non-Stick Nora discovered Barmy Albert perched in front of a big puddle outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, totally drenched and holding a tree branch with a length of twine dangling in the muddy water. Nora stopped and asked him: " What’re you doing?” "Fishing" declared Albert. Feeling really sorry for him, Nora sez:  "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.  I’m buying!"   While languishing in front of the pub fire as they sip their hot toddies, Nora can’t resist asking: "So how many have you caught today?" " You’re the fifth" replies Barmy Albert.

Over the weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!” If you’re ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however, still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!

So, the geezer with the orange apron in B & Q told me that: “With this state-of-the art chainsaw you’ll be able to fell forty trees a day!” I took it back the following week and I told the customer services bloke that that I’ve tried it out and I only managed to fell twenty trees a day with it.” The customer services guy takes it from me and pulls the start cord and it works brilliantly.  I sez to him: “What the hell is all that noise?”

On the same subject, Tommy Grabknuckle went into B & Q store and orders 10,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks the fella in the orange apron. "It's going to be a barbecue." Tommy replied. "Wow! that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue," Tommy sez: "Not really. I live on the 12th floor."

                          

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can’t look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her diploma, which bore her full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a gorgeous statuesque brunette with the same name had been in my high school class some forty odd years ago. Could she be the same girl that I had a secret crush on, back in the day? Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought that this grey-haired woman with the deeply-lined face was far too old to have been my classmate, or could she? After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Nicholls Ardwick High School.  "Yes, I did." she gleamed with pride.  "What year did you leave?" I asked. .She answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. She looked at me closely. Then, that old, wrinkled harridan of a dentist asked me: "What subject did you teach?"

                      

 

Ten reasons you can tell that you’re getting old:   

1.You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay at home.

5. When happy hour is a nap.

6. When you’re on holiday and you run out of breath before you run out of money.

7. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

8. When all you want for your birthday is to NOT be reminded of your age.

9. When you step off the kerb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

10. You go to watch a ‘wet shawl’ competition.

                                  

 

 

 

Punchlines Column