I was in
Tesco getting a sandwich and a packet of crisps and the young lady on the
checkout looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. I told her that I was married and she
shouted: “It’s part of the meal deal, you cretin!”
agnostic, octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his local church to make his
confession for the first time in his entire life. When the priest opened the
panel in the confessional booth, Tommy told him: “During World War 2, a gorgeous
woman knocked on my door and pleaded with me to hide her from the enemy. So, I hid her in the attic.” The priest answered: “That was a wonderful
thing you did my son, there’s no need to confess about a good deed.” Tommy
opined: “It’s worse than that, father, in order to repay my favours, she
started to reciprocate by cooking me wonderful meals, baking delicious cakes,
pies and performing all the household chores, like doing the washing and cleaning.”
The priest went on: “Well if you’re truly sorry for your actions, all those
years ago, then you are forgiven.” Tommy sez: “Thank you father, that’s a great
weight off my mind, but may I ask you just one question?” The priest replied: “Certainly,
what is it that troubles you, my son?” With all the dignity that he could
muster, Tommy asked the priest: “Should I tell her that the war is over?”
Q) What has five toes and
isn't your foot?
A) My foot.
Top Tip: Leaving
a door key with a trusted neighbour, saves having to break your window, if perchance
you are locked out. If they’re out, you can break their window to get your key.
Nora was in bed with Barmy Albert’s best mate Sid, when the phone suddenly rang.
Nora answered and after hanging up, she says: “That was Albert. He won’t be
home for a while, because he’s in the
Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub playing darts with you!”
Williams was having breakfast on his day off, with his wife, when he gets a
phone call. He hears the voice of his fellow practise GP, who declares: “We need a 4th for golf.” His wife asked: “Is it serious?” The doctor
replied: “Definitely. There are three other doctors there already!”
Draws needed a blood transfusion. However, his blood group was not on record, they
asked Elsie, his missus if she knew what it was, in order to save his life, but
sadly she had never known it. So, she only had time to hold his hand as he
faded away. Elsie would never forget how supportive Chester was during his
final hours. He kept on whispering to her: “Be positive. Be positive!” But that
was Chester all over, he was always thinking about others. This is not a typo….
ago (when the dead sea was only ill) I bought a new car. It was a purple car
and I found it to be very expensive to run because it guzzled petrol, so it had
to go. I then purchased a blue car and
found that it was difficult to maintain, you just couldn’t get the parts. After that I acquired a red car and found
that I had tremendous difficulty in starting the engine each morning, plus the
brakes were faulty and it generally had a lot to be desired. It was designed badly. After that, I decided to buy myself a yellow
car, so I saved up the tops of 100,000 Birds custard packets and before I knew
it, the yellow car was my proud possession.
Bad move! It turned out to have
an intermittent electrical fault that would never be cured. I had no option but to get rid of the
vehicle. These days, I drive a silver
car. No problems whatsoever! If I could recommend my readers to buy a car,
whether it be new or used, leasehold or hire purchase, then a silver car is the
one to own. However, nowadays, the
government advise that we ALL should have a green car. We live in strange
times. We have cars that drive
themselves and Post Offices that rob themselves, albeit remotely!
this: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there, does it make a
sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no
women there, is he still wrong?
technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is
the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features
full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by
holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the
Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your
heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked"
"Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the
time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm,
methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely