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Sunday 11 February 2024

Confessions of Tommy Grabknuckle....


I was in Tesco getting a sandwich and a packet of crisps and the young lady on the checkout looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink.  I told her that I was married and she shouted: “It’s part of the meal deal, you cretin!”


A lifelong agnostic, octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his local church to make his confession for the first time in his entire life. When the priest opened the panel in the confessional booth, Tommy told him: “During World War 2, a gorgeous woman knocked on my door and pleaded with me to hide her from the enemy.  So, I hid her in the attic.”  The priest answered: “That was a wonderful thing you did my son, there’s no need to confess about a good deed.” Tommy opined: “It’s worse than that, father, in order to repay my favours, she started to reciprocate by cooking me wonderful meals, baking delicious cakes, pies and performing all the household chores, like doing the washing and cleaning.” The priest went on: “Well if you’re truly sorry for your actions, all those years ago, then you are forgiven.” Tommy sez: “Thank you father, that’s a great weight off my mind, but may I ask you just one question?” The priest replied: “Certainly, what is it that troubles you, my son?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Tommy asked the priest: “Should I tell her that the war is over?”


Q) What has five toes and isn't your foot?

A) My foot.



Top Tip: Leaving a door key with a trusted neighbour, saves having to break your window, if perchance you are locked out. If they’re out, you can break their window to get your key.

Non- Stick Nora was in bed with Barmy Albert’s best mate Sid, when the phone suddenly rang. Nora answered and after hanging up, she says: “That was Albert. He won’t be home for a while,  because he’s in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub playing darts with you!”

Doctor Williams was having breakfast on his day off, with his wife, when he gets a phone call. He hears the voice of his fellow practise GP,  who declares: “We need a 4th for golf.”  His wife asked: “Is it serious?” The doctor replied: “Definitely. There are three other doctors there already!”


Chester Draws needed a blood transfusion. However, his blood group was not on record, they asked Elsie, his missus if she knew what it was, in order to save his life, but sadly she had never known it. So, she only had time to hold his hand as he faded away. Elsie would never forget how supportive Chester was during his final hours. He kept on whispering to her: “Be positive. Be positive!” But that was Chester all over, he was always thinking about others.  This is not a typo….

Many years ago (when the dead sea was only ill) I bought a new car. It was a purple car and I found it to be very expensive to run because it guzzled petrol, so it had to go.  I then purchased a blue car and found that it was difficult to maintain, you just couldn’t get the parts.  After that I acquired a red car and found that I had tremendous difficulty in starting the engine each morning, plus the brakes were faulty and it generally had a lot to be desired.  It was designed badly.  After that, I decided to buy myself a yellow car, so I saved up the tops of 100,000 Birds custard packets and before I knew it, the yellow car was my proud possession.  Bad move!  It turned out to have an intermittent electrical fault that would never be cured.  I had no option but to get rid of the vehicle.  These days, I drive a silver car.  No problems whatsoever!  If I could recommend my readers to buy a car, whether it be new or used, leasehold or hire purchase, then a silver car is the one to own.  However, nowadays, the government advise that we ALL should have a green car. We live in strange times.  We have cars that drive themselves and Post Offices that rob themselves, albeit remotely!


Riddle me this: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there, does it make a sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Such is technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...





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