The rain was
tempestuous and the storm was gathering apace, when Non-Stick Nora discovered
Barmy Albert perched in front of a big puddle outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley
Knife pub, totally drenched and holding a tree branch with a length of twine dangling
in the muddy water. Nora stopped and asked him: " What’re you doing?” "Fishing"
declared Albert. Feeling really sorry for him, Nora sez: "Come in out of the rain and have a drink
with me. I’m buying!" While
languishing in front of the pub fire as they sip their hot toddies, Nora can’t
resist asking: "So how many have you caught today?" " You’re the
fifth" replies Barmy Albert.
weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at
the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a
hammer! What's all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the
legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!” If you’re
ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I
strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the
staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however,
still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant
sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and
suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and
start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!
geezer with the orange apron in B & Q told me that: “With this state-of-the
art chainsaw you’ll be able to fell forty trees a day!” I took it back the
following week and I told the customer services bloke that that I’ve tried it out
and I only managed to fell twenty trees a day with it.” The customer services
guy takes it from me and pulls the start cord and it works brilliantly. I sez to him: “What the hell is all that noise?”
On the same
subject, Tommy Grabknuckle went into B & Q store and orders 10,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the fella in the orange apron.
"It's going to be a barbecue." Tommy replied. "Wow! that's a lot
of bricks for one barbecue," Tommy sez: "Not really. I live on the
ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I
can’t look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her diploma, which bore her full
name. Suddenly, I remembered a gorgeous
statuesque brunette with the same name had been in my high school class some forty
odd years ago. Could she be the same girl that I had a secret crush on, back in
the day? Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought that
this grey-haired woman with the deeply-lined face was far too old to have been
my classmate, or could she? After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had
attended Nicholls Ardwick High School. "Yes,
I did." she gleamed with pride. "What
year did you leave?" I asked. .She answered, "in 1975. Why do you
ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. She looked at me
closely. Then, that old, wrinkled harridan of a dentist asked me: "What
subject did you teach?"
you can tell that you’re getting old:
1.You and your teeth don’t
2. Your try to straighten
out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table
you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but
you stay at home.
5. When happy hour is a
6. When you’re on holiday
and you run out of breath before you run out of money.
7. When you say something
to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
8. When all you want for
your birthday is to NOT be reminded of your age.
9. When you step off the kerb
and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
10. You go to watch a ‘wet