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Sunday 18 February 2024

Yes! We Have No Chinese Chicken Wings....


It was fancy dress night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora had hired some magnificent costumes and gone dressed as two owls.  They were both playing pool in the games room, when Nora inadvertently potted the white ball. Barmy Albert proclaimed: “That’s two hits to me!” Nora replied: “Two hits to who?”

Went to view a house yesterday, with period features. She hates it when I call her that...

Whenever a woman sez: “We need to talk," why is it never about football? I sez to the missus: "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!

Last night, I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"

The wife is one of four sisters and they’re all named after stones.  She has a younger sister called Ruby, a wonderful sister called Pearl and a lovely older sister called Sapphire.  The missus is called Pumice.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters the confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the inebriated bloke just sits there in silence.  Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles: "Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!


This little girl sez to her Dad: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked: "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Popped into the local convenience Co-Op store and asked for a box of Ty-Phoo tea bags.  The girl behind the counter said:   "Sorry, it’s off the shelves, due to the Houthi Rebels attacking merchant ships in the Red Sea." I sez:  "Oh alright, do you have any Chinese Chicken Wings?" The shop assistant replied:  "Ah that’s another problem, it’s been withdrawn due to the Asian bird flu health scare.” I composed myself, and proclaimed:  "Well do you have any Turkey Twizzlers?”  "Sorry, not available, due to the health scare" came the repetitive answer. "What about those spicy chicken rissoles topped with goat’s cheese, garlic and sauté potatoes?" I politely enquired. She looked at me with disdain and informed me:   "No, can’t supply that item, due to the current bird flu health scare".  "So, they’re all off the shelves because of the health scare?"  Shop assistant "Yes."  With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez to her: "Just give me forty Lambert and Butler cigarettes, they’ll keep me off the vapes!”  "That’ll be £24.89" came the reply.  Then, to compound an already unfortunate farrago, our budgie died of flu.  It flew under a bus!  Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I’ve put on acres of timber since Christmas. In a desperate bid to lose weight, I’m employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door last night and the door fell off its hinges!


I was so desperate to shed weight, that I made a doctor’s appointment. I outlined the problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently, I have an overactive knife and fork...

An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers alighted, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with our airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a zimmer frame  She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down by the Russians?"

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a scouser on the new BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at It’s if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


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