I get very stressed on New Years Eve. I suffer from Auld Langxiety....

                         

Went to see the new Willie Wonka movie over the weekend. It cost £14.50 each to get in! A fella sat a few seats away persisted in making loud and incoherent grunting noises all the way through the movie, which marred the whole experience. I leaned over and asked him where he was from and he pointed upwards and groaned: "the balcony". Then there were two women sat in front of us who constantly chattered throughout the movie. I tapped one of them on the shoulder and sez: “I’m sorry, but I can’t hear.” She replied: “I should hope not. This is a private conversation!”

In 2024, remember that you’re not the same person you were a year ago. You’re much worse now…

When I told my doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance!

Why do they put "Out of Order" signs on escalators? Why not just say: ‘Temporarily Stairs’?

Q. Before candles, how did folks light their homes in Toxteth, Liverpool?

A. Electricity.



As she opened her presents on Christmas Day morning, I got the only apology I’ve ever had from the wife. She said she was sorry she ever married me.



Fascinating Fact: The worst time to have a coronary thrombosis, is at Christmas time during a game of Charades.



Last year, we got a turkey from IKEA and it took me two days to assemble it and then on Boxing Day, a leg fell off. Never again!

                                    

In King Charles Christmas address on TV: Global Warming: Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted! I did my bit for climate change this morning. I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used.



Apparently, the most popular New Years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Merely smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.

                                          

On New Years Eve, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were stopped by a police officer on the M67 for speeding. The officer sez: "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." Barmy Albert replies: "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating. Not looking up from her Sudoku puzzle book, Nora says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don’t be silly, Albert, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, Albert looks over at his Nora and growls, "Can’t you keep your gob shut for once?" Nora smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Albert glowers at Nora and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it woman, can’t you keep quiet for a few minutes!" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £100 fine which is mandatory." Albert, says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket." Nora pipes up:" Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving, and you never passed your test, so you don’t have a driving licence. And as the police officer is writing out the third and fourth ticket Albert turns to Nora and barks, "WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?" The officer looks over at Nora and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?" Nora replies: "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking."
                              


Happy New 2024! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.

                                  

Dec 21 2023 Punchlines Column.

 

www.questmedianetwork.co.uk

Christmas Crackers!

 

                                              

Further to last weeks announcement regarding the introduction of female referees for the first time in the premier league, players have been advised that they will most likely get booked for fouls they committed years ago, that they had completely forgotten about.

I find it quite disconcerting that after fifty years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is, or what kind of Trumpet he played!

                                   

  

On Christmas Eve, at a crowded Stalybridge bus stop, Non-Stick Nora was waiting for the 237 bus, and was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, Nora reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large bloke from Mossley, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. Nora went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The bloke from Mossley smiled and replied, "Well, missus, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends.”

                                   

 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat bloke in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

                          

It’s the week before Christmas and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked Big Chief Sitting Bull if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be well prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone box, called the BBC Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So, the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the BBC Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter? 'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters that we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a shedload of firewood!'

                                     

 

Have a cool Yule, folks!"

                                                              

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon!

I asked the lady in the laundrette: “How many degrees should I set the washing machine on?” She replied: “What does it say on the T-Shirt?” I sez: “Pink Floyd…”

Following on from the 3-0 drubbing from Bournemouth, Manchester United are not far off from being title contenders. All they require is a goalkeeper, four defenders, three midfielders, two wingers. a striker and a new manager. Sam Allardyce is waiting on the wings!

I asked the missus what she would like for Christmas. She sez: “Get me summat sexy!” I went to that Ann Summers lingerie outlet and asked: “Can I have a see-through negligence, size 22.” The fella behind the counter sez: “What do you want to see through that for?”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as Nora turned to Albert, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him whereabouts he was. Quietly he sez: “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” Nora choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.” “Well, I’m in the Wetherspoons next door.”

This year, when octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle received his £10 Christmas Pension Award he caught the No 5 bus to Fiveways and put his tenner, (five quid each way) on the fifth horse in the fifth race at Christmas Kempton at 5/1 and it came fifth and so he remains a skint pensioner. Gimme Five!

                                  

Christmas Tip: Husbands: If your wife does summat wrong just explain to her how your mother did it. She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as perfectly as your mum did.

In The Twelve days of Christmas song, have you noticed how many of the gifts are birds. Six out of the first seven days, your true love just gives you birds. Culminating in a total of 23 birds! What if you are allergic to birds, or just plain don’t like ‘em? I reckon that on day five, you’re like “Wow! Five Golden Rings! We’re finally done with the flamin’ birds” and then BAM! Six geese arrive!

I often mistakenly buy duplicate jars of herbs - Thyme and thyme again.

The geezer in the post office queue curtly informed me “There are a lot of nasty bugs going around the area at the present time”. Whist driving home, I had morbid visions of a ten-foot tall cockroach with a baseball bat hammering on the front door at 2am in the morning. Isn’t life a hoot when you’re barmy?

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

                               

Arctic conditions...

                            

I very nearly got run over by a council salt spreading lorry last night. I remonstrated by shouting: “You absolute moron!” Albeit through gritted teeth.

According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only four more days to Christmas! Personally, I reckon that this particular advent calendars days are numbered…

In the grand scheme of things, I reckon that there online shopping gubbins is alright, but I hate having to get up off the sofa in order to get my credit card out of my wallet. I’m so lazy these days, I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm and I get the next-door neighbour to shout my dog in! Still on the subject of online shopping, I hear on the grapevine that the Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon has left his wife, presumably with a neighbour, or inside the brown bin. I did very well on eBay, though. I sold a homing pigeon 541 times!

                                   

              

I purchased a shirt and some neckwear from eBay that used to belong to the bloke from the Mamas and the Papas. All the sleeves are brown and the tie is grey.

I just found out the Neighbourhood Watch had a meeting last night about a crazy person on our road. What I find it quite disconcerting is that they didn't invite me.

To say that my career has taken a downturn, is an understatement. I’ve just been invited to switch off Blackpool illuminations. On the plus side, I can make a comeback without actually going anywhere.

It was freezing cold when Barmy Albert was leaving the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and as he staggered up Scropton Street back snicket, he slipped on the icy pavement and was unable to get back up again, primarily because of the treacherous condition of the cobbles. Non-Stick Nora ran up and asked him: “Ooh! Have you slipped on the icy pavement?” Albert replied: “No. I’m trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket!” That’s when the fight started!

                               

  

I’ve just bought Pavarotti’s old camper van. It's a Nissan dormer. Only cost me a tenor! Pavarotti used to be a tad temperamental. When he was onstage, he didn’t like it if you joined in…,

A Yorkshire bloke from Doncaster goes into the jewelers. He sez: " Can tha mek me a gold statue o’ mi dog? " Aye, a reckon a can, " sez jeweler. “Does tha want it eighteen carat?" " No." replies the Yorkshire lad, "I’ll ‘ave it chewin’ a bone"

Jeepers! It was so cold last week, I spotted a Scouser with his hands in his own pockets! On the same subject, you must have visited Knowsley Safari Park in Liverpoool. Were you aware that it was built adjacent to a council housing estate. Apparently, back in the day, the tenants association took umbrage and contacted their M.P. and asked what would happen if a lion or a gorilla escaped and was found wandering around their housing estate. The M.P told them that the animal would just have to fend for itself.

                                     

 

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro sez: "Hey, Mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!" said Rosita. "Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. ,"Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." "Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "Okay, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"



On the showbiz grapevine: It transpires that Elton John dislikes iceberg lettuce. Apparently, he’s a Rocket Man. Moreover, he has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas. He’s a little fit bunny…

                                   

That's when the fight started....

                          

It was raining torrentially last Sunday, and the wife (My wife is a stunner.  She works down the local abbatoir.) had planned to go down to our local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley-Knife, but she had fallen out of the first- floor window, whilst ironing the curtains.  The missus had a split shift rota-system at work to adhere to on Monday, (she is a gritter over Woodhead) so she wanted just to ‘chill-out’.  I suppose, that’s what gritters do. Meanwhile, my next-door neighbour ‘Barmy Albert’ was shuffling around his house feeling thoroughly dejected and suffering compound manic depression.  His wife, ‘Non-Stick’ Nora, has left him. She had gone out last week for a bottle of milk, and never came back.  I asked him how he was coping, he replied, “Luckily, I had a tin of that powdered stuff”.

The countdown is on! The missus wanted to know what was my favourite Christmas Carol. Apparently,  ‘Vorderman’ was the wrong answer. That’s when the fight started!

                                 

While out hunting, with the boys, Barmy Albert got into hot water yet again and ended up in court for shooting down a Golden Eagle.  The judge wanted to know why he had committed such a heinous crime, recklessly killing a protected species.  In his defence, Albert told the judge that he’d been shooting clay pigeons and the gun had gone off by accident and the next thing he knew was that the bird fell at his feet and there was nothing he could do about it. It wasn’t done on purpose.  It was a genuine accident. The judge asked Albert what became of the remains of the bird. In mitigation, Albert said that as the animal was already deceased, they took it back to camp and roasted it over the campfire and consumed it that very night. The judge was flabbergasted! In his summing up, he said: “I don’t believe that you actually ate a protected species! Could you tell me what it tasted like?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “It tasted a bit like swan…”

Two pigs were freezing in the snow and one says to the other: “It’s flippin’ perishing cold today, me trotters are frozen solid!”  The other pig sez: "Don't worry, I’ve heard that we’re getting some blankets for Christmas."

                              

I had an altercation with the manager of our local Tesco over the weekend. I was ejected from the staff canteen and was thrown out!  I told them I was on my break, but they insisted that I didn’t work there and the facilities were for employees only.  I told them that I’d been using the self-service till on a regular basis, so I clearly do work there, albeit unpaid! I’m looking forward to the Christmas do!

Innit awful gerrin auld.  A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid 80s). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

                                       

       

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns."  "Do you mean a rose?", "Yes, that’s the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the  kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

We were on the High St yesterday and the missus asked me: "What have you got me for Krimbo?" I sez, "You see that big pink Mercedes Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies, "Yeah!" I sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same colour!"

                               

The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife Slimming Club...

                                           Austin Knight        &     Mark Lawrenson

Now that the weather has become a tad inclement, I have noticed that everyone up Scropton Street back snicket wears woolly jumpers that are at least one size too small, including me. However, we are a tight knit community!



The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called round last night and told me to expect the worst. So, this morning, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…



Granny always buys and wraps my Christmas presents many months in advance. Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton.



The new Marks & Spencer advert says: “It wouldn't be Christmas without M & S”. This is correct, because without M & S it would spell Chrita...

                                 

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert are languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife one evening, just nattering, when Nora suddenly asks: "If I died, would you re-marry?" "Probably" Albert answered. "You would?" Nora asked, a bit surprised. "Would you let her come into my house?" "I suppose so." "Would she be cooking in my kitchenette?" "She most certainly would!" "Would she be soaking her corns in my foot spa?" "She would!" "Would she be putting all her gansies in my wardrobe?" "I would think so!" Growing more exasperated, Nora continued asking: "Would she be driving my Reliant Robin?" "She would!" "Would she be kipping in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she be using my golf clubs?" "Oh, no, definitely not." Albert said. Nora asked him: "Why not?" Albert replied: "Because she’s left-handed." That’s when the fight started!



Dastardly Derek owned a public house in the Stalybridge area. The Department of Social Security and Pensions heard that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent down to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” demanded the agent. "Well", replied the Derek, "There’s my chef, who’s been with me for three years. I pay him £500 a week plus free room and board. The barmaid has been here for eighteen months, and I pay her £300 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the moron who works about twenty hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 a week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of red wine every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That’s the guy I want to talk to, the moron," says the agent. ”That would be me", replied Dastardly Derek….

                                           

Some friends in my local pub ‘The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’ had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fibre" was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, "Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 75p for this bar of chocolate?" They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I’ll give you three quid for it!"



The famous actor Richard Gere has a brother who is a ventriloquist. His name is Gotler. I was doing a gig last week and was engaged at Fisons Fertilisers Football Club at Fiddlers Ferry. I worked with Gotler Gere, who is an excellent ventriloquist. He was going through his routine and launched into a run of silly blonde jokes, which I thought were quite harmless, when all of a sudden, a blonde woman in the first row stood up and bawled: “Okay, stoopid, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes…. what makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their value as a human being? It’s cretins like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the general community from reaching my full potential as a person; because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humour!” Flustered, Gotler began to profoundly apologise, when suddenly, the blonde pipes up: “You shut up and stay out of this Mister – I’m talking to that little guy on your knee!!”      

                                   

Making sandcastles with my grandad....

 

                     

It’s amazing how times change. I fondly recollect when I used to make sandcastles with my grandad. Until my grandmother ruined it and took the urn away. Moreover, My grandfather served in Iraq. He was Saddam Hussains butler…

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went on a charabanc trip from The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife pub and they visited the races at Doncaster. Neither of them knew nothing whatsoever about racing, betting or horses. Albert picks one with the best name, Chunky Monkey. Anyway, this horse has odds of 200/1 and any punter with even minimal racing knowledge wouldn’t even back a horse with these rank-outsider odds. They get to the starting blocks and after several minutes the race commences. After a couple hundred metres Chunky Monkey seemed to be doing moderately well. However, the nag suddenly turned around and started heading back to towards the starting block. Barmy Albert started getting excited and stood up screaming and shouting at the top of his voice: "Go Chunky Monkey. Go!” A few seconds later the horse crossed the finish line the opposite way! Albert was ecstatic and yelled out: “I'm rich! I’ve won a fortune!” Non-Stick Nora sez: " Hey Albert, why are you so happy, that was one dud of a horse for crying out loud, he ran the wrong flamin’ direction" “That does not matter.” Albert sez with a huge grin on his face. “I backed it each way!”

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with using too many metaphors. It came as a bolt out of the blue. You could’ve knocked me down with a feather. Took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer!


                               

I was searching on Google yesterday and the missus asked me: "what are you up to?" I sez: "I’m looking for cheap flights". She got all imflamed and effervescent and told me that I was the best husband a woman could ever have! To be perfectly honest, I never even knew she was interested in darts!

At breakfast, yesterday, I eagerly waited for the wife to comment on my first attempt at my new recipe cheese omelette. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I manufactured these commercially, how much do you think I would get for one of them?” Without looking up from her iPod she replied, “About five years.” That’s when the fight started!

I purchased a packet of those Cadburys Chocolate Animals yesterday. It clearly stated on the pack ‘Do not consume if seal is broken.’ What’s all that about then?

Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

When I gaze in the mirror and see a fat, wrinkled, grey-haired and sken-eyed old bloke, I always say to myself: “They certainly don’t make mirrors like they used to.”

                       

  

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was tidying her husband Tommy’s wardrobe when she discovered three golf balls and a shoebox with £5,000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course, to ask him why these things were hidden in his wardrobe. Tommy told her “I'm sorry I hid this from you, but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last fifty years, I put a golf ball in the drawer.” Elsie was very upset at first, but after thinking about it said: "I guess three times in fifty years is really not that bad! Oh! by the way what is the £5,000 in the shoebox?” With all the dignity Tommy could muster, he sez: " Well, every time I got to a dozen balls, I sold them for a fiver.”.

                           

  

Apparently, Happy Harry Hooper was in Crown Court for allegedly molesting a six-foot tall Latvian lady of the night. Although, Harry stands only 4'2" tall. The judge, in summing up sez: “As I understand, the offence was committed in a standing position. Forgive me, but how did he reach?” The lady said, “He used a bucket, M’Lord.” Appearing quite perplexed, the judge replied, “But surely, you could have kicked the bucket away?” She answered, “He put the bucket on my head and swung from the handle.”

I’m broke, but not poor broke. I’m posh broke. I’m baroque.

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

The clocks go back!

 

        

Well, the Rolling Stones have a No1 Album in the charts and The Beatles have a new single out. Just how far did we put the clocks back last week?

I never bother to alter all the clocks. It’s too much mither. I just watch ITV+1 for six months …

Specsavers have tweeted (or X’d) “To all Manchester United fans, if you bring your glasses into any of our stores, we’ll swap them for a blindfold, so you don’t have to watch this anymore.” I heard on the grapevine that Erik ten Hag has planted some potatoes around the pitch, so he’ll have summat to pick up at the end of the season.

After a raucous night out with the darts and dominoes team up Scropton Street at the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, I eventually staggered home at 4 am and tiptoed into the house, when the cuckoo clock sounded four times. Rapidly realising that the missus would probably wake up, I proceeded to ‘cuckoo’ an additional eight times, in order to make it seem like it was still midnight. I must admit that I was really chuffed with myself for thinking on my feet and coming up with such an ingenious solution, even while being paralytic drunk, in order to avoid a potential conflict with her in the early hours of the morning. The following day, the missus asked me what time I got home. I told her it was around midnight and she didn’t seem to suspect a thing, but right as I thought I’d gotten away with it, she opined: “By the way, I reckon that we desperately need a new cuckoo clock.” I asked her “What do you mean. Why?” She replied: “Well last night, our clock cuckoo’d four times, then it shouted “Flamin’ Nora!” then after clearing it’s throat, cuckoo’d another three times, then started laughing, cuckoo’d twice more and then tripped over the cat and was sick!”

Two major problems we have presently in the UK are potholes and housing migrants. Surely the government should be aware that there is one obvious solution to fix both these issues simultaneously…







There seems to be some confusion in Wales ahead of the Speed Limit change and so, I thought I would help by briefly explaining how the change works so that there can be no confusion: Any roads that were previously 30 will now be 20 apart from the roads that aren’t going to be 20, which will still remain as 30. When you see street lights you have to assume that the roads will be 20 even if the signs still say 30 because despite the signs saying 30, the roads could be 20, apart from, of course, the roads (as explained above) which will remain 30 despite them being 20. It’s also important to remember that there will still be a number of roads which despite them having street lights will not be 20, and in these cases they could be 30, 40, 50, 60 or even 70, however, always bear in mind that even if the signs on these roads still state 30 they could, of course, be 20 unless they are one of the roads that have been designated 30, in which case the 20 restriction will not apply. I trust that clarifies. It’s really not difficult.


You just can’t trust these insurance companies. I’ve checked my home insurance policy and apparently, if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered!




Last week, because of  the ferocity of Storm Ciaran and due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Sharon, a three-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mummy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Sharon did as she was asked. Mummy pushed and pushed and after a little while, baby Kevin was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and smacked him on his bottom. Baby Kevin immediately began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Sharon for her help and asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Sharon quickly responded, "He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his bum again!"

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Paramedic: ‘It’s Okay, I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions?’ Girl: ‘Okay’ Paramedic: ‘What’s your name?’ Girl: ‘Tracey’ .’Paramedic: ‘Alright Tracey , is this your car?’ Tracey: ‘Yes.’ Paramedic: ‘Can you tell me where you’re bleeding from?’ Tracey replied: ‘Romford, mate.’

Unexpected item in the bagging area. Don't ask meow....

                                                

Rolf Harris. There's one lot of ashes that the Australians won't be wanting back.

Even though my grandfather sadly passed away over a month ago, I still have him in my contacts. Primarily because it was blowing a gale when we scattered his ashes.



It was all very sad when grandad had to go into a home. I phoned on the first day and enquired about his welfare. The matron advised me that he’d sadly passed away, shortly after breakfast time that morning. I asked her what did he have for his final breakfast and she replied: “Cheerios…”

 



If any of my readers are interested, I have some Sooty & Sweep puppets that I’m trying to offload. I don’t want any money for them, I just want to get them off my hands….



I was arguing with the wife yesterday, when I heard a strange voice. Mine.

It was all my fault. I’d got in at 6am paralytic drunk and she was annoyed. In order to tell you how annoyed she was, not only had she changed the lock on the front door, she’d changed the street name as well! She screamed at me: “Where’ve you been until 6 o’clock in the morning?” I informed her that I’d been out playing poker with some blokes. She erupted again: “Oh you have, have you. You’ve been out until 6am playing poker with some blokes. Well, I’m not putting up with it any longer. Get your bags packed and get out and don’t come back!” I sez: “You’d best pack your bags as well, love, because the house isn’t ours anymore….” That’s when the fight started!



Just before going on his holiday to sunny Benidorm, Barmy Albert went to a tanning salon. He was under the lights a bit too long and the protective shades he had worn left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at himself in the mirror the next day, He thought, "Gordon Bennett! I look just like Bozo the clown." Having almost convinced himself that he was overreacting, he got in line at the supermarket checkout and felt a tug at his shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at him The kid asked: "Are you giving out any balloons?"

                                

I was listening to a comedy show on the radio, and with perfect coordination, I tuned in to the BBC weather on the telly in an attempt to ascertain if it was going to rain. I simultaneously opened the fridge door with my right foot, which dictated that I was balanced in a most precarious manner, employing my stomach region as ballast and my left knee as a fulcrum. In addition to the total unison of my present stance, I quickly grabbed an ice-cold beer from the fridge, opened the ring-pull with my free thumb and guzzled probably about a quarter of the aforementioned throat lotion whilst flicking through the SKY remote to engage the interactive red button to display the news multi-screen. And women have the audacity to say that we men cannot multi-task! Anyway, it’s gonna rain all week. No change there then!

When I was onboard the Royal Caribbean Anthem of the Seas, this year, the cruise director was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea. "Do you know what level means?" he asked the group of six to eight-year-olds. One boy replied immediately: "A level is something you need to pass to get to a harder screen in a Sony Playstation game."

Every woman should learn to work on the toilet seat situation. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you want it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Geddit?

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!
                                           

RIP Sir Bobby Charlton - There'll never be another...

 

                                  

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Maybe it is the effect of a black hole deep in space that is imploding and sending micrcocosms of extreme temperature that are inversely proportional to the mass of the black hole itself, thereby making it difficult to observe this radiation for stellar mass or even greater gubbins. Either way, Rishi Sunak, we need you to grasp the nettle and sort this unfortunate problem out forthwith. Failing that, send Jacob Rees-Mogg round with a rake, pronto!

For Sale: 179,000 Railway Sleepers. These are ideal for raised garden beds, et cetera. Contact Rishi Sunak. Westminster.

Storm Babet caused ructions last week when tempestuous rainfall caused floods and irreparable damage across the UK. A woman in Stalybridge caught a prawn in a mousetrap.

Meanwhile, in the Maldives, an engineer and a solicitor were fishing. “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was lost by the fire,” the attorney explained. “The insurance company covered everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” the engineer said. “I’m here because a flood ruined my house and all of my stuff, and my insurance company also paid for everything.” “A flood? How do you start a flood?” the perplexed attorney inquired.

                               

 

The missus sez to me: "Can I ask you a very serious question? But you must answer clearly with a yes or no". Hesitating somewhat, and fearing a loaded riposte, I replied, "Alright, go on then". Immediately, she retorted, "Why are you always making jokes about blondes?"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio: "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5ft 2 inches tall and sitting in the front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven....

A recent survey found that one in three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily and responded "It’s true. We speak for hours every day." She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.

                                   

  

Chester Draws is on a call to Tameside Hospital and shouts frantically down the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contradictions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the nurse. "No", declared Chester, "this is her husband!"

A Scouser on trial for armed robbery, stood up to hear the verdict from the jury. "We, the jury," announced the foreman, "find the defendant....Not guilty!" The man jumped up, embraced his solicitor and asked, "Does this mean I gets to keep the money!”

Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that she’s teaching her dog to speak a foreign language" "Español?" Albert enquired: "No, he's a lurcher" Nora replied.

I tried to get into my car only to find my wire coat hanger locked inside. Luckily, I had my keys with me.

Tommy Grabknuckle was very unlucky. He won the Euro Millions and invested all the money in a time machine and traveled thirty years into the future, only to discover that he’d been missing for the past thirty years.

                                   

Five Top Tips for Blokes....

 

                                  

Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Nowadays, we scroll through books on tablets! Who’d a thowt it!



Five Top Tips for Blokes:

1) It’s important to find a woman who is a brilliant housekeeper and an excellent cook.

2) It’s essential to find a woman with a good sense of humour, who can make you laugh.

3) It’s imperative to find a woman who does not lie to you.

4) It is a prerequisite to get a woman who loves you and spoils you to bits.

5) It’s most important that none of these four women know each other….

                     

  



14 Fascinating Facts:



1) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



2) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



3) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



4) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.



5) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.



6) The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.



7) If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.



8) If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.



9) The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.



10) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day supping ale.



11) Flashlight or torch: A case for holding dead batteries.



12) The big toe is a device for locating furniture in a dark room.



13) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



14) When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

                                             

 



Barmy Albert was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking spot, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up supping beer!" Then, miraculously, a parking place appeared. Albert looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

I arrived a tad early at the restaurant last night and the manager exclaimed: “Would you mind waiting for a bit?” I sez: “No. not at all.” He replied: “Fantastic! Take this tray of drinks to table 39.”

Thought for Thursday: Think old and you’ll be old. Think young and you’ll be a delusional old windbag.

Apparently, this coming weakend theyz will bee constant rane, hail, gails, drizzell, tawnyadoes and and it’ll bee reet cauld. It’s gunner bee a reely bad spell of wether!

Do you know why birdies sing before dawn? Ornithologists reckon that it’s to tell all their mates that they’ve actually made it through the night, as in a manner of speaking advising that they’re still a part of the rich tapestry of life. Maybe that’s why we sing in the shower. Why we create art . It’s a way of saying “I made it. I’m still hereabouts! I’m still languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora. You can visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington by just clicking on www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get back to work!

                                             

How wimmins brains work...

                        

I’m often told that sixty is the new forty. Primarily, that’s why I’m on a speed awareness course next Wednesday. It all appertained to when I got pulled over by the police last month. He said, "Sir, are you aware that your vehicle was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry ossifer, but I've necked eight pints of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, down The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and feel a tad bladdered." He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and sez, "That's no excuse to let your missus drive!"

Non-Stick Nora was talking to Barmy Albert and asked him: "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would you choose?" Albert replies, "Definitely the living one."

I've just found out that junction 6 of the M60 is for Sale. Does anyone know a ball park figure?

Adam was lonely in the garden of Eden so God promised him a woman companion to make his dinner, do the laundry, keep the house clean, bear children, never argue with him and make love whenever he wanted. The price was an arm and a leg. Adam offered a rib. The rest is history.

Art, Bart and Fargo are on a boat with four cigars, but nothing to light them with. Suddenly, Art threw a cigar overboard and the vessel was then a cigar lighter…

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you’re in your coffin, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Sidney sez: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. "Tommy commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives." Billy sez: "I’d like them to say, "Look, he’s moving!"

                                                  

A bloke in Manchester walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The lad working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The bloke was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back office, the boy told the manager, "Some old cretin wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the bloke was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager okayedf the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the young lad: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" " Wales, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Wales ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but loose wimmin and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from Wales!" "Really?" replied the boy, "What position did she play?"

                               

We were in our local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last night when our mate Dave turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. "Cost me fifty quid this!" he shouted, as we all continued laughing. "I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile . "Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United club shop...



Strictly Come Dancing has made a welcome return. My problem is that I have two left feet and cannot dance to save my life. However, as soon as I step in dog poo, I can Moonwalk betterer than Michael Jackson!

                                                        

This one's a keeper!