God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything...

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,



but here's the TRUE story ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.



And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for



sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever havingto move from his tent.




To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)




But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -



for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy Horsefly take to camel dung.They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the



deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO," said Abraham.And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic EducatedKid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? ~ An In-Depth Study!

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it,

he's a maverick!



BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for

change! The chicken wanted change!



JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he

recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all

the chickens on the other side of the road.



HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that

little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely

qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this

countrygets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't

about me.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the

road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or

not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground

here.



DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see

the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.



AL GORE: I invented the chicken.



JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I

am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled

about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against

it.



AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black

chickens.



DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't

realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the

road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to

do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current

problems before adding new problems.



OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,

which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having

the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm

going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road

and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,

but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the

road.



NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You

can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.



PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.



MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken

was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs

when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any

insider information.



DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a

toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not

been told.



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.



JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see

the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my

friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay

too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination

that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the

other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and

as simple as that.



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.

Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will

be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming

story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to

accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.



ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads

together, in peace.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only

Cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and

balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.

This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.



ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the

road move beneath the chicken?



COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Cuckoo Clock Joke...

Why females should avoid a girls' night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.


Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

My Prayer For 2011...

Dear God,

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN

The Washington Post ~ 'Style Invitational.'

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational.'

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

Spaghetti Joke...

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Lineswoman Sian Massey...

Lineswoman Sian Massey's new nickname is 'Just For Men'. She was only used once and the Gray is gone!!

Marital advice from an expert...

It is imperative for all us lads to remember, that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some
females are oversensitive and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. Let me relate how I handled the situation with the missus, (I call her ‘Narnia’, because she has hair like a lion, looks like a witch and she is the size of a wardrobe). When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Narnia to get a full-time job, both for extra income and primarily beer tokens.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the restaurant at the club, so eating out is not an option. I’m ready for some home cooked grub when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. She starts work early (she is a Gritter over Woodhead) I really think my experience as an entertainer helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do, in a jocular fashion; it’s one of my strong points. Now that she has gotten older, (she has a face like a pirate’s flag) she does seem to get tired so much more quickly.
Our washer and dryer are in the cellar. Sometimes she says she just
can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes all the laundry the next evening, I’m willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday’s or Saturday’s lap-dancing club, or to Tuesday’s or Thursday’s bowling, or summat like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. It’s all a matter of getting her chores into perspective.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. When she’s taking out the rubbish, she remonstrates that it is too heavy, so I advise her to make three trips. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her at all (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

Ventriloquist Joke...

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman.



'Hiya, mind if I talk to your dog?'



Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English twat.'



Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'



Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'



Welshman: (look of extreme shock)



Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)



Dog: 'Yep.'



Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'



Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'



Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'



Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'



Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'



Horse: 'Cool.'



Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)



Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)



Horse: 'Yep.

' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'



Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'



Welshman: (total look of amazement)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'



Welshman: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**king liar......!!'

Theoretically vs Realistically...

A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two whores and a chutney ferret."

Missing Cat...

So the story goes :
Shannon the Secretary has lost her cat and has asked David the Graphic Designer to help with a ‘lost cat’ poster.

This is their email correspondence…

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster


Hi
I opened the door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my area this afternoon.




This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.


Thanks Shan.




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster


yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.






From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?






From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.





From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

That’s just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.






From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.






From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster





From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Mon! day 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.






From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but only after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have att ached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.







From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww


Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.







From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re! : Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David.





From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.




From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Sub! ject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5563173528628401490" />



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.





From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.




From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww








From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Fine. That will have to do.

More Howard Webb...

A friend of mine has a young lad who has got a trial soon at Old Trafford to see if he's up to scratch and whether Sir Alex eventually will use him. To be honest, it's the biggest day in any young referee's career. Especially last Sunday when Manchester United made one change as Mike Dean came in to replace the injured Howard Webb.

I am advising all my readers that I am available for the following: I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test and ascertain the effect of sudden wealth on an individual. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Top Tip No 25712: Always keep a few ‘Get Well’ cards on the sideboard. So if anyone calls they will think you've been ill & unable to clean. You can also send them to the off- licence to fetch more beer.


I had to escort Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbor, to the doctor’s surgery last week. The following day I spotted him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. He reckoned that the doctor told him “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' I curtly informed him that the doctor actually said, “You've got a heart murmur, be careful.”

The missus (I call her ‘three horses’ – Nag,nag,nag.) thinks she know everything, in fact, most women do. But wait! Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Footie.

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is his, she should use the strimmer.

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging. (3 horses).

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.


Getting old is when:
1) Your friends compliment you on your new crocodile shoes and you're barefoot.
2) Your pacemaker opens the garage door.
3) Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
4) You don't care where the missus goes, just as long as you don't have to go along with her.
5) You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.
6) "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the B & Q car park.
7) An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee at 4am.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: Austin.knight@homecall.co.uk.

"I LOVE YOU" IN TEN LANGUAGES!!

English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: It Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai In
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Australia: Nice tits-- Get in the Truck.

Is Sex Work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep, so he was a little tired.

He next posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time..

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked, "how so"?

"Well, sir, It should go without saying, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

Webbs' Children Denial...

Howard Webbs children have today categorically denied that their father is biased towards Manchester United and utterly refute any such scurrillous allegations.

Webbs children, Bobby, Giggsy, Wayne and Dimitar all said that he is hurt by these totally unfounded allegations.

ALEX FERGUSON PLANS TO 'REST REFEREE HOWARD WEBB'

Howard Webb has been on United's books for several years now





Sir Alex Ferguson is planning to rest his star performer Howard Webb to prevent 'a needless injury' after his tireless work in yesterday's FA Cup victory over Liverpool. Webb awarded his own side a penalty, but he stood aside to allow a team mate to take it.

Mr Webb who secured his team's passage into the 4th round of the FA cup is said to be 'exhausted' following his Herculean efforts in providing his side with the winning goal by awarding them a 'completely deserved' penalty after Liverpool's Daniel Agger 'viciously kicked Berbatov in the head with a knife'.

Man United's 12th man Howard Webb, whose dressing room locker is right next to Rio Ferdinand's, said: "Yeah, it's a massive win for the me and the lads. The gaffer told us all in his pre-match talk to get in their faces, and work hard for each other. He reminded me to wait at least an hour before giving us a penalty or it could look suss, but I was just too excited and went for it a few seconds after I blew the starting whistle, however, I did wait a little longer than usual to send Stevie G off, to make up for it.

"I was thinking about taking the penalty myself, but then thought I should let one of the other lads take the glory for a change. It's a team sport after all, and I get embarrassed when people tell me I single-handedly win all the games I get picked to play in."

However, his boss, Alex Ferguson is concerned that if he continues playing his star man in every game he'll pick up a serious injury or may get exhausted towards the business end of the season.

"Howard's a great servant to the club," said Sir Alex. "And he's a real role model for the younger lads. He's always first on the training pitch in the morning and the last to leave. He practices pointing at the spot, and sending opponents off for hours on end. But I fear if he carries on at the same intensity he'll pick up an injury that could see him out for months.

"And that's a risk we can't take. He's just too important for us, his ratio of games played to penalties given is almost one per match, which are amazing stats."

Manchester United's club shop has just released its sales figures which indicate that 'Howard Webb' is now the most requested name on the back of their replica shirts, and that if his popularity grows they may be forced to rename the Stretford End in his honour by changing it to the 'Massive-Bell End', or MBE for short.

Belated Christmas Joke...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yeah - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration'.

Australian Cricket Jokes ~ The Height of Optimism...

Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.



Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?

A. An all rounder.



Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?

A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.



Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?

A. Because they never catch anything.



Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.



Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.



Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.



Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.



Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will

come from.



Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?

A. Because they can get out without even trying.

www.ComedianUK.com

New Year 2011. The way things are...

What an inauspicious start to 2011. I lent a pal of mine a few grand to have plastic surgery. Haven't seen him since, and I don't know what he looks like now!




You can tell it’s a new year, coz everyone’s trying to lose weight! After the festered season, I have developed flabby thighs, but I am lucky because my stomach covers them. Some friends in my local pub ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fibre" was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, "Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 50p for this bar of chocolate?" They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you two quid for it!"



Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak that language either, which prompted the man to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”




Q) What's the difference between Cinderella and an Australian cricketer?

A) Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.



Thought for Thursday: Anger and frustration are the only two emotions that allow your gob to accelerate and overtake your brainbox.



My New Year Wish: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.


New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and F**ks off.



The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed every five minutes!


How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? I think we should be told!



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Plastic Surgery Arse Lift...

Plastic surgery Arse lift

(Don't let any of your friends have this procedure!)


We have all heard of a face lift but how many of you will have heard of a plastic surgical procedure called an Arse lift.


I want to show you how it turns out.




Please, refrain from getting this procedure done.

You'll regret it!

Please see photo below...

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian"



Passenger: "Who? “Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."



Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."



Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."



Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and how to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake... No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."



Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f**ing widow."

Another Happy New Year 2011...

Happy New Year 2011! Or not, as the case may be. The police came to my door on New Year’s Eve, holding a picture of the missus. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a serious road traffic accident" said the Officer... "I know" I said, "but she has a jovial personality!"

On New Year’s Day, several men are in the locker room of a local golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to earwig the conversation. Indeed, eavesdropping is de rigeur in most golf club locker rooms.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yeah."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Brilliant! Oh,and one more thing. I was just talking to Elsie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand
if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you make love?"
"I did once & he looked really angry." "Why angry?" "Because he was watching through the window!"

On New Years Day, I got so bladdered, that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the missus. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.


The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

In 2011, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did, those who won't anymore. The important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Happy New Year 2011 to both of my readers!!