What an inauspicious start to 2011. I lent a pal of mine a few grand to have plastic surgery. Haven't seen him since, and I don't know what he looks like now!
You can tell it’s a new year, coz everyone’s trying to lose weight! After the festered season, I have developed flabby thighs, but I am lucky because my stomach covers them. Some friends in my local pub ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fibre" was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, "Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 50p for this bar of chocolate?" They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you two quid for it!"
Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak that language either, which prompted the man to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”
Q) What's the difference between Cinderella and an Australian cricketer?
A) Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Thought for Thursday: Anger and frustration are the only two emotions that allow your gob to accelerate and overtake your brainbox.
My New Year Wish: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and F**ks off.
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed every five minutes!
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? I think we should be told!
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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