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Monday 17 January 2011

More Howard Webb...

A friend of mine has a young lad who has got a trial soon at Old Trafford to see if he's up to scratch and whether Sir Alex eventually will use him. To be honest, it's the biggest day in any young referee's career. Especially last Sunday when Manchester United made one change as Mike Dean came in to replace the injured Howard Webb.

I am advising all my readers that I am available for the following: I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test and ascertain the effect of sudden wealth on an individual. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Top Tip No 25712: Always keep a few ‘Get Well’ cards on the sideboard. So if anyone calls they will think you've been ill & unable to clean. You can also send them to the off- licence to fetch more beer.

I had to escort Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbor, to the doctor’s surgery last week. The following day I spotted him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. He reckoned that the doctor told him “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' I curtly informed him that the doctor actually said, “You've got a heart murmur, be careful.”

The missus (I call her ‘three horses’ – Nag,nag,nag.) thinks she know everything, in fact, most women do. But wait! Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Footie.

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is his, she should use the strimmer.

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging. (3 horses).

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

Getting old is when:
1) Your friends compliment you on your new crocodile shoes and you're barefoot.
2) Your pacemaker opens the garage door.
3) Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
4) You don't care where the missus goes, just as long as you don't have to go along with her.
5) You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.
6) "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the B & Q car park.
7) An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee at 4am.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: You can email me:

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