Breaking News...

Howda I lose it? Easy just lika dat !!

OXO are introducing a new white cube with a red cross on it in recognition of the England teams efforts in South Africa.It will be called the Laughing Stock.

Ingerland...

One day, the teacher is asking all the children in class what their parents do for a living.

"My dad's a policeman miss" says David.

"That's nice" says the teacher.

"My dad's a teacher like you miss" says Stephen.

"Very good" says the teacher.

She then turns to Johnny. "So what does your daddy do for a living"?

Johnny replies: "My daddy works in a gay bar and takes all his clothes off, sometimes strange men give him money and he goes home with them, my uncle Tommy sez my dad is a chutney ferret" The teacher, more than a little taken aback by this disclosure, swiftly changes the subject. Later, when all the kids are going home, she takes Johnny to one side and says" Is what you told me really true? Does your dad really have to do that?" Johnny replies "No, none of that was true. My daddy actually plays football for England, but I didn’t want to humiliate myself and was far too embarrassed to say that in front of everybody!"



DEFRA ascertained that an outbreak of the notorious Bluetongue virus was a false alarm. Following an in-depth investigation, it was discovered that because of the hot weather, a herd of cows had been eating ice pops.

I had a flutter on Ebay last week. I bid £8,551 for an off- road vehicle. It arrived this morning. It was a kayak! What compounds an already unfortunate scenario is that now we have a water shortage!


I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly isn’t starving!

Q) What's the ideal weight for a solicitor?
A) About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Give a man a fish and he will feed his family. Teach him how to fish, and he will wear a stoopid hat, sit in a boat and larrup down copious cans of beer all day long.

The missus (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) is constantly ‘throwing a wobbler’ so I bought her a mood ring the other day, in order that I could monitor her untoward temperament. When she’s in a good mood it turns green. When she is in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead. Ouch! There it goes again!

Got Barbequeitis? Sun crackin’ the flags? Being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and enlighten yourself and broaden your parochial horizons by digesting this gloppy column. Then you can tell all your pals about my Jokey-Blog! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. Oh, don'

Funny Old World (Cup)

The World Cup would appears to have turned out like World War 2. The French surrender early, the USA arrive at the last minute and, we are left to sort out the Germans! No change there then innit!

FIFA have released a statement saying the fan did not break into the England dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green. The hapless goalie has signed up to appear in future Teflon advertisements. Kermit the Frog was spot on, it's not easy being Green.

One day, the teacher is asking all the children in class what their parents do for a living.

"My dad's a policeman miss" says David.

"That's nice" says the teacher.

"My dad's a teacher like you miss" says Stephen.

"Very good" says the teacher.

She then turns to Johnny. "So what does your daddy do for a living"?

Johnny replies: "My daddy works down the sewers and has to flush them all out with a big high pressure hosepipe and when he gets home he don’t half stink! The teacher, more than a little taken aback by this revelation, swiftly changes the subject. Later, when all the kids are going home, she takes Johnny to one side and says" Is what you told me really true? Does your daddy really do that?" Johnny replies "No, none of that was true. My daddy actually plays football for England, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of everybody!"



DEFRA assumed that a local farmer had cattle that were suffering from the notorious Bluetongue virus. After further investigation, it was found that because of the hot weather, the cows had merely been eating ice pops.

I had a flutter on Ebay last week. I bid £7,000 for an off- road vehicle. It arrived this morning. It was a kayak! What compounds an already unfortunate scenario is that now we have a water shortage!


I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly isn’t starving!

Q) What's the ideal weight for a solicitor?
A) About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will wear a stoopid hat, sit in a boat and larrup down copious cans of beer all day.

The missus (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) is constantly ‘throwing a wobbler,’ so I bought her a mood ring the other day, in order that I could monitor her wholly untoward temperament. When she’s in a good mood it turns green. When she is in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead. Ouch! There it goes again!

Being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and enlighten yourself and broaden your parochial horizons by reading my gloppy column. Then you can tell all your pals about my Jokey-Blog! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it.

Teflon Rob...

FIFA have released a statement saying the fan did not break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

Terrys All Gold..

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?



'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.



'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'



'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'



'OK, and who's next?'



'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'



The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?'



Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.

When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'



The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'



'I call them by their surnames!'

Who sez the Yanks don't understand footie!!

Who sez the Yanks don't understand footie!!


Fancy driving yerself barmy?? Then click HERE!!!
www.vuvuzela-time.co.uk

Fabio Speaks...

Vuvuzela Mania!!

The worries about the vuvuzela's noise seem to be well justified. A stadium full of vuvuzelas can hit up to 130 decibels - a chainsaw can only reach a meagre 100. Hearing damage can occur in less than 15 minutes. It's doing my shed in, I can't stand it any more!!

Rob Green gets ad contract from Teflon!!!

I’ve had to rewrite this week’s column a few times, unfortunately, my computer has got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything. Mind you, at least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about! The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it. Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand. .


I was at the checkout queue in Tesco and saw this blonde lady staring at me, I couldn’t believe she was staring at me, and then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' I asked. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. I thought back and remembered my one act of infidelity and replied 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, while your mate squirted shaving foam all over me and whipped me with a leather cat o'nine tails and your other mate stuck a feather duster up my a ** e?'
'No' she curtly replied 'I'm your daughter’s History teacher!' Oh dear, hat and coat time already!


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £500 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £500 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob from next door,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £500 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

I hope I live to be as old as my jokes. I pray that all my friends will live as long as the DFS sale continues! You too can discover the elixir of mirth by visiting my all new joke blog. Click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. You can also gizza tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk . Get the BBQ out, it’s gonna be crackin’ the flags!!

Truck Driver Joke...

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.


"Well, before you jump, give me a blowjob."

So, she does.


After she's finished, the trucker says,
"Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing a suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl" !!!!

"Quotes"

A member of Parliament to Disraeli : "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli , "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

BP Oilslick Blowout...

This pic shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by

the recent BP blowout ...

I am volunteering right now to go down to the coast and help

clean the wildlife with my own two hands.

Economics in a nutshell....

Economics Teacher:    "Class, can you give me an example of complete business failure due to professional negligence?"



Johnny:   "A pregnant prostitute?"

Wilf McGuinness & Tommy Docherty...

The breadsnapper Susannah Nellie (13) asked me where I was going last Friday afternoon. I told her that I was speaking at a dinner in Bristol with Wilf McGuinness. She looked at me in a most perplexed manner and enquired “Who’s he?” I explained that he managed Manchester Untied in 1969, taking over the reins from Sir Matt Busby. I told her that the previous night, I was with Tommy Docherty who was also a famous (or infamous) manager of Manchester United in 1972. “Oh, that’s well good!” she sniffed, “when you work with someone more up to date, let me know” Innit awful when yer gerrin auld?

I do suppose that as one trudges through life’s rich tapestry, making the transition from cherub to trainee cadaver, ones outlook alters radically. When I was younger, I always thought that I would like to see the Rolling Stones before I die. Nowadays, I think that I’d like to see the Rolling Stones before THEY die!


It’s my birthday on the 5th of July. I thought that I’d do summat special this year. I considered having a tattoo, but I thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes.


I learn summat new every day! If the missus ever sez, "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

I've put on SO much weight lately. I fell downstairs the other night and the missus thought Eastenders was starting! I went to the doctors and sez “I’ve put on all this weight.” He looked at me and asked what I think has caused this weight gain. I sez, “Well, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.” He gave me a thorough examination and concluded that I have an overactive knife and fork.

The Member of Parliament was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Mum," he shouted, "the results are in! I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Mum, why bring that up at a time like this?"

A shady character went into the bank, locked the door and put a balaclava on, he then took a gun out and said “This is a hold-up.” He approached the first customer in the queue, “Did you see my face, before I covered it?” The man sez “Yes, I did.” So the robber shot him. He asked the same question to next guy. “Did you see my face?” “No I didn't, but the wife did.”



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is it your considered opinion that the lunatics have taken over the asylum? Do you suffer from a morbid curiosity and you are dying to know what is going on in my
backyard? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!