2011 is a-comin'!!

Get ready for Happy New 2011! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas everyday. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.


MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN 2011.
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at oncoming vehicles. See them all slow down.
2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
7. As often as possible, Skip rather than Walk.
8. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party because you're "not in the mood."
11. When the money comes out of the Cash Machine, scream, "I won! I won!"
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
13. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."



"The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's
only one other choice." - Doug Larson.


Change is good, as long as I don't have to do anything differently. Visit my website www.Comedian.ws and do it differently!

New POPCORN Turkey Recipe!!

Here is a turkey recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing – imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED TURKEY
1 giant size turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup pre made stuffing mix
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey’s arse blows the oven door off and the chicken flies across the room, it is done

And you thought I couldn’t cook……..

A Christmas Story...

TWO FEET OF SNOW!!

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cursed at the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little twats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole effin' works!

I've busted my arse for damn near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and back-scuttled all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those arseholes from the Tax Office sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's No Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Teacher giving kids lessons in colour & shape recognition etc -

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room...

Look at the tits on this...

NEW TURKEY RECIPE...

NEW TURKEY RECIPE

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces...






May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your sprouts be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Christmas dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Christmas

Happy Winterval...

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon!


I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...


My daughter Susannah asked the little boy next door if he had seen Santa Claus on Christmas
Eve. Little Kieran sez, "No, but I heard what he said when he stubbed his toe on the settee."


CHRISTMAS QUIZ.
Q) What do Ashley Peacock and Sam Allardyce have in common?
A) Neither of them will be attending the Rovers Christmas party.
Twas Christmas Eve, and it was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
,"corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." "Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."



At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.



Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man
1. No dress sense whatsoever.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.
4. Big Beer Belly.
5. Will only commit to one day a year.
6. Obsessed with stockings.
7. He never stops to ask for directions.
8. Too bone idle to shave.
9. He always wears the same outfit.
10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterward.


If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbour's lawn at night with your
church group, it's called "carol singing," but if you're doing it alone with no
pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."



Thought For Thursday: The greatest worldwide use of genuine leather is to hold cows together.


If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,while flying around in a miniature sleigh,With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home!Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get carving that turkey!

Santa Joke...

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:

'Send me your mother...'

Merry Winterval...

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great. Not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

And To all my "normal" friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

90 year old joke

Michael is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife.

"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good" sighs Michael. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Michael heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Michael.

"I can't remember." He replied.

Howzat!!

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"


"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".


"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.


"In the park just down the road" she replied.


"Can you describe what happened?"


"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,

removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his

way with me".


"Could you give me a description of him?"


"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,

one on each leg".


"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.


"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".


"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"


"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

Corrie Latest!!

What have Ashley Peacock and Sam Allardyce got in common? Neither will be going to the Rovers Christmas Party!!

WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES .....

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . ..

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Never mind.

Corries BIG 50!!

This week celebrates the 5oth anniversary of Coronation St. Jack and Vera look down from heaven and Jack sez, “Eeeeh, me little swamp duck, we lived on that street for 32 long years!” Vera replied, “Aye, and in all that time Manchester City never won a single trophy!” I hear on the grapevine that Blues manager Roberto Mancini is to plant some spuds and carrots around the perimeter of the pitch. This ensures that he has summat to pick up at the end of the season! Mange tout – Man City Nil.

FIFA (they get a fee for this, and a fee for that) has been sent into meltdown as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter (74) when asked who his favourite Qatar player was, replied “Eric Clapton.” The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement in Zurich, Switzerland. Blatter later announced that he was mistaken and that he would settle the matter out of his own back pocket, but had taken his trousers to the cleaners. He then knocked on the door of the Russian Embassy and asked “is Len in?” You couldn’t make it up. Could you?

I have always thought that women would make excellent soccer referees. Imagine the scenario, she gives a red card to a player who immediately remonstrates and asks “What was that for, Ref?” She would put her hands on her hips and reply “If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you!”


Since it started snowing, the missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After a couple of days, I felt quite guilty and decided that I should let her in. I got quite a frosty reception, so no change there then!

The wife (She has a face like a bulldog licking a thistle, whilst simultaneously chewing a wasp) has landed temporary employment over the bleak winter. She’s a got a job as a gritter over Woodhead! Half past three yesterday morning the phone was ringing. I was half asleep when I answered it. I sez to this geezer, “I think you have the wrong number, pal - try phoning the meteorological office.” I put the phone down and the wife sez “Who was that?” I replied “Some idiot asking if the coast is clear.”

Shock horror! Upon returning back home from a London gig yesterday, I found all the windows wide open and everything had gone. The type of person who would do that to an advent calendar is totally out of order. It is an unforgivable and despicable act.

Thought for Thursday: "Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get shovelling that snow! Christmastide is-a comin’!! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Breaking News...

Bernard Mathews died to-day age 80


The funeral will be held next week
at Norfolk Crematorium


11am Gasmark 6 for 3 Hours

AN IRISH GHOST STORY...

AN IRISH GHOST STORY


This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.






The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped.


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.





Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.



A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other....

Look Paddy....there's that fecking idiot that
got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Blonde Joke...

A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the barman, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair – giving that you are blind that you should
know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
“Nah. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.

Two sides to every story...

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.

Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!






At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour – and when we got home, as there was no electricity, I had to light f------g candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't finish for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

A Boozers Tale...

I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units,
I've just got to take care o' miself
So I merely have wine wi' mi supper,
An' just the one litre OK?
Then a rather large rum in mi coffee
An' I calls that mi sensible day

I never drink wine on a Tuesday,
Cos Tuesday's mi weightwatchin' club
It's the day when I eat nowt but cabbage,
The day I don't go much fer grub
Now a diet demands plenty fluid,
Summat light an' completely fat-free
So I've chosen that strong German lager
An' I just have five pints wi' mi tea

I never drink lager on Wednesday,
Cos Wednesday's the day fer mi jog
It's tracksuit an' trainers at mid-day
Then I'm off up the road wi' the dog
First stop's at the Globe fer some Guinness,
Three swift ones'll get me to grips
Then I carry on round to The Shepherds
Fer three more an' a burger an' chips
I make sure that I'm suitably rested,
Then I sprint back to our garden wall
In a time of under twelve minutes,
An' it's four 'undred metres an' all

I never drink Guinness on Thursday,
Cos Thursday's mi day to relax
I likes to sit out in t' back garden
In mi brown zip-up cardie an slacks
After lunch I might stroll by the river,
Breeze in at the Fisherman's Drop
Where I lounge on the terrace all lordly,
Sippin' shandy, but beawt any pop
Then cos I've been good through the day like,
She'll allow me to waver a smidge
So mi evenin's spent watchin' the footy
Wi' a few packs o' Boddies from t' fridge

I never drink Boddies on Friday,
Cos Friday's mi night on the razz
An' we meet in The Firkin at seven,
Owd Nodger an' me an' Fat Baz
Oh The Firkin's a beer-drinker's heaven,
Wi' fifteen real ales from the jug
An' we start wi' the ones in the tap-room
An' we works our way round to the snug
By midnight we're all talkin' gubbins
An' we're off fer a curry up town
But there's summat not reyt about curry
Cos I never seem t' keep the stuff down
We 'ave a good laugh wi' the waiters,
An' Baz moons his bum fer a joke
Then I'm home fer a nightful o' passion,
Cos I'm known as a passionate bloke

I never do much on a Sat'day,
Cos Sat'day's mi time fer a think
Cos me an' the wife are not speakin' today,
I'm a drunken, fat pig an' I stink
So I sit near the lavvie pretendin'
That really I'm feelin' just great
But I'm goin' right off that Indian food
If it leaves me in this bloody state
It's later I make the decision,
On my forty-third trip to the bog
There's only one thing cures an upset like this
An' they call it the 'air o' the dog
I ring Nodge an' Baz on mi mobile
An' both of 'ems likewise in pain
So we're back in The Firkin at quarter-past-six
An' we do it all over again

I never say Firkin on Sunday,
Cos Sunday's mi day to repent
I'm ashamed of all o' that boozin' I've done
An' all o that money I've spent
I begs the wife fer forgiveness
An' I promise I'll alter mi ways
An' she gives me a kiss an' a cuddle,
Like she did in our newly-wed days
We watch Songs of Praise on the telly,
Then a nice pot o' tea an' some cakes
An' I swear now I've climbed up the ladders,
I'll never slide down any snakes
But it's borin' on telly on Sunday,
An' I can't say I'm ever impressed
So I 'ave a walk out round the village
An' stop off at the Collier's Rest
Now the beer's a bit crap in The Collier's
So I leave an' pop round to The Swan
Where I flatten a shed-load o' Tetley's
An' I'm bloody well back to square one

So I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units
I've just got to take care o' miself

These are NOT made up.(?!) They are the The Worst (or Best) Country & Western

These are NOT made up.(?!) They are the The Worst (or Best) Country & Western
Song Titles of All-Time:

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
15. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
16. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
17. Please Bypass this Heart
18. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
19. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

A man in a posh restaurant in Spain asks for something different. The waiter brings a plate of food with two large meat-ball looking "things" in gravy. "What the hell's this?" he asks. "well Senor, after the bullfight and the bull has lost, we eat the bull, nothing is wasted, this is a delicacy, please try it". The man has a tentative taste, "Hmm, not bad". He tries some more, decides he likes it and asks what it is. The waiter tells him that "You English call them sweetbreads, the Bull's balls". "I'm not English, I'm Welsh, but no matter: if you'd told me that first I wouldn't have tried it but I like it". He liked it that much he had them on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as well. On the Friday the waiter asks him what he'd like and the man says "Some more bollocks please". When the waiter brings the plate there's two very small oval lumps in the gravy. "Hey, where's t h! ! e bollocks mate" he says. The waiter replies "Well Senor, the bull doesn't always lose".

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know shag-pile carpets, big double mattress in the back...) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've e! ! ver seen!"

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Father, I'm telling everybody."

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here...."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives... The voice booms out again, "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Diamond Bracelet Joke...

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woopsie and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of
a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident',
she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers,

"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit
yourself when I tell you the price!"

Dr Wan Hung Lo explains...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Typical Bloke innit!!

A 'typical' bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from ? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing ?' explains the woman.. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools ?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware..'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink ?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still.. How would you like a Pina Colada ?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next ?'



When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.



'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..



He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....



'Bleedin' hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

The definition of political correctness?

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

Chavvy single mum of nine...

A chavvy single mother of 9 that I know is doing very well. Apparently, she now has the DSS and Housing Benefit Dept on her friends & family line with BT.

Invisibility Cloak Air Force One..

Irish Logic...

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell
forwards they'd still be in the f**kin' boat."

A vertitable pot-pourri of interesting gubbins...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

*****************************

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

===========================================
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

###############################

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Editorial for Thursday November 4th 2010

Just FIFTY days to Christmas, the countdown is on! The shops and supermarkets have been full of tinsel, selection boxes and Christmas puds for many a month already, so they are well prepared for the forthcoming onslaught. But what about Santa? He really must get totally fed up with it all every year.

Santa sez to his Chief Elf, “I’m getting sick of this every year, I have to wear this daft red outfit, do all the work myself, end up with absolutely nothing and look a right idiot.” The Elf replied, “Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels”. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a woman sitting at the bar having a drinking champagne. I walked over and sat down next to her. I sez, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She looked at me with much disdain and replied, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look." Aaargh! Hat and coat time already!

I was most confused when I heard the word 'service' used with the following agencies:
Inland (HMRC) Revenue 'Service'
The Post Office Postal 'Service'
British Telecom 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Local, City and County Council Public 'Service'
Moreover, any other customer 'Service' that you can think of.
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. However, yesterday, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
Eureka! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?


Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ...

a) Innovative.
b) Preliminary.
c) Proliferation.


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity.
b) British Constitution.
c) Passive-aggressive disorder.
d) Transubstantiate.

Things that are Totally IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

1) May I sincerely thank you for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
2) Sorry, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
3) I’d love to, but you're not really my type.
4) No kebab for me, thank you.
5) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?5) I'm not interested in arguing with you.
6) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
7) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
8) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
9) I must be going home now as I have to go to work in the morning.
10) I must get to my bed as I could never really sleep in that hedge / shop doorway / skip.

Thought for Thursday: Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
Now, get back to work!

Editorial for 28th October 2010

The missus (I call her Viking, because she has a face like a Norse) was quite annoyed yesterday and I could tell that she was in the mood for an argument. I asked her what the problem was and she advised me that she is concerned that I have an infantile personality, coupled with a childlike nature and reckons that I’m VERY immature. She has come to the conclusion that we must set aside some time and discuss this problem fully. As if that’s gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!

At breakfast, yesterday, I eagerly waited for my 13 year old daughter Susannah to comment on my first attempt at my new recipe cheese omelette. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I manufactured these commercially, how much do you think I would get for one of them?" Without looking up from her iPod she replied, "About five years."

18 Very Good Reasons for being over 50.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you up?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate Fred The Weatherman on Granada Reports.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

On a beautiful autumn day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ......
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”

I purchased a packet of those Cadburys Chocolate Animals yesterday. It clearly stated on the pack 'Do not consume if seal is broken.' What’s all that about then?

Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose!

Ten Questions...

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights
people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are
asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever
bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Man of the house...

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."




He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law.




You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.




After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kinds of sex that I want.




Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.




Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,



"The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess."

The wife...

INNIT AWFUL GERRIN AULD...


**********************************************************************************

The missus reckons that I'm VERY immature and sez we should set some time aside to discuss the matter. As if that's gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ......
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”

Voted BEST Irish Joke 2010!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the

Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."




"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time

I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Never Lose Your Grandson!

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre,

he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gin and tonic and women with big tits."

www.Comedian.ws

The Divorced Barbie Doll

The Divorced Barbie Doll


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key fob made with Ken's balls.

The sharing of marriage...

The sharing of marriage...


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --

(Continue below)





'THE TEETH.'

My Ex-Wife...

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing because of bad weather.
Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

Lesson for today....

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble...
and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of..

there is one thing you should always remember...


Not everyone who shows up


Is there to help you.

B & Q Joke...

I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing, so I asked the missus (I call her Magnolia - coz it'd go with anything!) if she would go to B&Q and pick up the aforementioned hinge.


While she was waiting for the geezer in an orange apron to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap. When he was finished, the missus asked him, "How much is that tap?"

He replied, "That's a gold plated tap and the price is £1500.00.


The wife breathlessly exclaimed, "Jesus, that is a very expensive tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."


She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.


The B & Q geezer sez that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.


From the storeroom the he yells. "Madam, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"


Magnolia paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap."


This is why you can't send a woman to B&Q!!!

Tommy Cooper Joke (Not) ....

“ I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said

I had the biggest tallywacker she'd ever laid her hands on"

I said “You’re pulling my leg”

Willie Nelsons 75th Birthday...

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!

Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait.

Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.






"I have outlived my pecker."

Achieve Inner Peace & Tranquility...

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now!

Euro-Engrish...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Customer Service...

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with
these agencies..

Inland (HMRC) Revenue 'Service'
The Post Office Postal 'Service'
British Telecom 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Local, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one
of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies
are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am?

Choosing a wife...

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research... This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

women only car park..

What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.


With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Government has established a policy of providing "Women Only" car parks. Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park.

counselling after 25 years of marriage

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been
married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand,
embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts
and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband
Bob watched with a raised eyebrow.

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking
in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.