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Saturday 18 December 2010

Happy Winterval...

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon!

I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...

My daughter Susannah asked the little boy next door if he had seen Santa Claus on Christmas
Eve. Little Kieran sez, "No, but I heard what he said when he stubbed his toe on the settee."

Q) What do Ashley Peacock and Sam Allardyce have in common?
A) Neither of them will be attending the Rovers Christmas party.
Twas Christmas Eve, and it was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
,"corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." "Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.

Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man
1. No dress sense whatsoever.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.
4. Big Beer Belly.
5. Will only commit to one day a year.
6. Obsessed with stockings.
7. He never stops to ask for directions.
8. Too bone idle to shave.
9. He always wears the same outfit.
10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterward.

If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbour's lawn at night with your
church group, it's called "carol singing," but if you're doing it alone with no
pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."

Thought For Thursday: The greatest worldwide use of genuine leather is to hold cows together.

If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,while flying around in a miniature sleigh,With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home!Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! Now, get carving that turkey!

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