This week celebrates the 5oth anniversary of Coronation St. Jack and Vera look down from heaven and Jack sez, “Eeeeh, me little swamp duck, we lived on that street for 32 long years!” Vera replied, “Aye, and in all that time Manchester City never won a single trophy!” I hear on the grapevine that Blues manager Roberto Mancini is to plant some spuds and carrots around the perimeter of the pitch. This ensures that he has summat to pick up at the end of the season! Mange tout – Man City Nil.
FIFA (they get a fee for this, and a fee for that) has been sent into meltdown as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter (74) when asked who his favourite Qatar player was, replied “Eric Clapton.” The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement in Zurich, Switzerland. Blatter later announced that he was mistaken and that he would settle the matter out of his own back pocket, but had taken his trousers to the cleaners. He then knocked on the door of the Russian Embassy and asked “is Len in?” You couldn’t make it up. Could you?
I have always thought that women would make excellent soccer referees. Imagine the scenario, she gives a red card to a player who immediately remonstrates and asks “What was that for, Ref?” She would put her hands on her hips and reply “If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you!”
Since it started snowing, the missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After a couple of days, I felt quite guilty and decided that I should let her in. I got quite a frosty reception, so no change there then!
The wife (She has a face like a bulldog licking a thistle, whilst simultaneously chewing a wasp) has landed temporary employment over the bleak winter. She’s a got a job as a gritter over Woodhead! Half past three yesterday morning the phone was ringing. I was half asleep when I answered it. I sez to this geezer, “I think you have the wrong number, pal - try phoning the meteorological office.” I put the phone down and the wife sez “Who was that?” I replied “Some idiot asking if the coast is clear.”
Shock horror! Upon returning back home from a London gig yesterday, I found all the windows wide open and everything had gone. The type of person who would do that to an advent calendar is totally out of order. It is an unforgivable and despicable act.
Thought for Thursday: "Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get shovelling that snow! Christmastide is-a comin’!! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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