Search This Blog

Sunday 31 October 2010

Editorial for Thursday November 4th 2010

Just FIFTY days to Christmas, the countdown is on! The shops and supermarkets have been full of tinsel, selection boxes and Christmas puds for many a month already, so they are well prepared for the forthcoming onslaught. But what about Santa? He really must get totally fed up with it all every year.

Santa sez to his Chief Elf, “I’m getting sick of this every year, I have to wear this daft red outfit, do all the work myself, end up with absolutely nothing and look a right idiot.” The Elf replied, “Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels”. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a woman sitting at the bar having a drinking champagne. I walked over and sat down next to her. I sez, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She looked at me with much disdain and replied, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look." Aaargh! Hat and coat time already!

I was most confused when I heard the word 'service' used with the following agencies:
Inland (HMRC) Revenue 'Service'
The Post Office Postal 'Service'
British Telecom 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Local, City and County Council Public 'Service'
Moreover, any other customer 'Service' that you can think of.
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. However, yesterday, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
Eureka! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ...

a) Innovative.
b) Preliminary.
c) Proliferation.

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity.
b) British Constitution.
c) Passive-aggressive disorder.
d) Transubstantiate.

Things that are Totally IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

1) May I sincerely thank you for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
2) Sorry, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
3) I’d love to, but you're not really my type.
4) No kebab for me, thank you.
5) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?5) I'm not interested in arguing with you.
6) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
7) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
8) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
9) I must be going home now as I have to go to work in the morning.
10) I must get to my bed as I could never really sleep in that hedge / shop doorway / skip.

Thought for Thursday: Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

Visit my website: or email me:
Now, get back to work!

No comments:

Post a Comment