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Monday, 7 January 2019

The Ryanair Syndrome...

                


To the person who stole my anti-depressants. I hope you’re happy now. Moreover, I’d like to inform the geezer who nicked my train set: “What goes around.....”



I caught a spider yesterday. The missus sez: "Don't kill it, take it out." So I did, nice spider. Her name was Simone and she's hoping to become a web designer...



I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders, and furthermore, if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....



If perchance Ryanair retains the most unpopular airline award this year, will they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.



The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

                                          


I am trying to make friends outside of social media platforms, by applying those very same principles to everyday life. Consequently, each day I walk down the High Street and stop folk to inform them exactly what I have had for brekkie, how I feel at the moment, what I have done in Wetherspoons the night before, what I will do later and that I met Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert at my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife. I give them pictures of my family, my dog Alfie and of me putting the wheelie bins out, platting fog, paddling my kayak, watering the aspidistra, standing in front of landmarks, driving up Scropton Street, visiting the abbatoir, scoffing a Greggs vegan pastie and doing stuff anybody and everybody does every single day. I also eavesdrop on their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. Moreover, it works just like Facebook and Twitter, because I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist. I told my doctor that I’m addicted to Twitter. He sez: “I’m not following you...



The missus asked me last night if I thought she was wearing too much lipstick. I said it depended on whether she was going out with the sole intention of killing Batman or not. The reverberations of that statement still echo around my lug holes!

                                                        


Last week, I visited the Patent office, to register a new invention that I had dreamed up. I told the clerk, "I've invented a folding bottle, I call it a ‘Fottle’ can I register it?" The clerk replied, "That's a rubbish concept, it'll never work" I carried on, informing him, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a “Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...





Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.

                                 

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