“So, let me get this straight - the drone you saw over Gatwick Airport was shaped like a sledge, being driven by a rotund, bearded chap in a red suit, being pulled by six what?"
I missed my old Nan at Christmas dinner, but I know she was there looking down on us. Bemoaning the fact that the stair lift was still broken...
This year, I left my Christmas shopping far too late and ended up getting it all done at the local petrol station on Christmas Day morn. I thought the limited selection would leave me in an unfavourable position; however, it was quite the reverse. The missus squealed with delight when she opened her ‘L’ plates and ran over and gave me a massive hug! I don’t quite know why she went out to look on the driveway though. Moreover, I’m still quite perplexed why she asked for a red lamb bikini for Christmas. What’s one of them then?
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do." Therapist: "That's one of them."
If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced. This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.
I phoned a Radio Station, to enter their competition. The presenter sez: "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Grand Star Prize"..Me: "That's Fantastic!" The presenter "It's a Maths Question."
Me: I've got a degree in Mathematics from University," Presenter "to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Manchester United game and to meet the players" Presenter: "what is 2+2 ?" "7", I replied....
It's just been announced that they're not making shortbread any longer.
Does anyone else stop their microwave one second before it finishes and pretend you have just defused a bomb, or is it just me?
Quote: “She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when’.” (P. G. Wodehouse, writer, 1881-1975)
Never, ever forget that time passes really quickly and you don't even notice it until it begins to show. So, use the best cutlery, go on that exotic holiday to Rhyl, eat that chocolate cake, watch Netfilx until 3am read the latest John Grisham novel and take a chance in life. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Barmy Albert told me that.
In 2019, remember those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Don’t fret about the present, either, coz I haven’t bought you one! There’s the gift that goes on giving though, namely my website: www.ComedianUK.com give it a visit and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!
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