Therapist sought....

 

                             

After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful. I start a week last Monday.



Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Barmy Albert replies, 'God and I are okay.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.' ' “Wow, that's incredible.”' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' “Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's pissin’ in the fridge again!”

                                  

I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I replied, "Right! Mascara it is then....."



At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable! " A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said: "What she really said was: 666 136 429".



Can you help? I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark and yap a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll hop over next door's fence and get it for you.

                   

Whilst languishing in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, the landlord was regaling me with copious anecdotes. He told me that his dad bought his first car from the notorious Kray twins! I sez: "What Reg?" Albert replied: “No, Ronnie I think..."



Have you ever committed a faux pas? I once asked Medusa if she'd just had her hair done. Well, if looks could kill!





Going into a teenagers bedroom, is just like a trip to IKEA. You pop in, just to have a quick shufty around and end up leaving with six cups, a variety of plates, three bowls, copious amount of cutlery and a tea towel!




                                                         

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

 

                          

Frankie's Tallywacker....

 

A middle-aged man and woman, both in their early 50's, walk into the office of Dr Warwick Hunt, a sex therapist. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”   The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”  The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a mature couple are asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.  When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.   A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.  The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.  This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.  Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”  The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything.  She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges  £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”

        

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his tallywacker today behind the bike sheds!"  Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."  Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"  Sally replied, "No... Salty."

 

I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they use in the shower. 98% of them said "How the f**k did you get in here??"

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I’m dropping this solid gold coin into this glass of acid.   Will it dissolve?"  "No, sir," a student called out.  "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the gold coin won’t dissolve."  "Because if it would, you wouldn’t have dropped it in."

 

                                      

 

Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work! 

                                    

That's when the fight started....

 

                                                         

The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently sez, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started....



Thought for Thursday: It's really strange how many comedians live at the Apollo. They must put ‘em on pallets.



The Wi-Fi was not working, so I chatted to the wife for a while. I was surprised that she’s no longer working at Woolworths.



I went to the doctors with a nasty cough, he asked me: "Have you started smoking again?"   I replied: "No why?" He sez: " Shame I'm selling 200 Lambert & Butler for forty quid. After completing a thorough medical examination from the doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor replied: "That's what puzzles me."



60 might be the new 40, but then 9pm is the new midnight! Innit awful gerrin auld!

                                                    

I don't like selfish people. I saw this bloke pushing over forty-odd trolleys at Tesco yesterday morning. Really! Don’t you think someone else might want one? Disgraceful conduct.



Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the assistant, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife." The assistant asks, "Sheer?" The man replies "No. She's in Aldi at the moment."

                                       

The teacher is standing in front of her class, tutoring them about the spread of disease. "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? she asks. Little Tommy raises his hand to reply, "Don't bite any."



The odd-job man I hired was a total waste of time. I left him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he'd only done one, three, five and seven....



I bumped into my neighbour, Barmy Albert up Scropton St and he told me that he’d caught his 12 year old grandson looking up ladies skirts. I informed him that they tend to do that at his age. “No.” He opined. “This was on eBay!”



Sad news: my obese parrot has died. Good news: it's a huge weight off my shoulder....



I saw a woman wearing a silk sash that bore the legend: "Miss America." I walked up to her and said, "You should go back there then." Then there was an American bloke I met in Manchester. He sez: “Hey, boy, ya see that building over there, why back in the United States of America, we have buildings fifty times bigger!” I replied: “I’m not surprised, it’s a lunatic asylum!”



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

 

                                              

The Rant & Rave!

 

                                                           

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were, when they were growing up.What with walking ten miles to school every morning. Uphill and barefoot… BOTH ways. Yawn! How could it be uphill both ways?

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of 50, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a land of milk and honey! And I hate to say it, but you young ‘uns today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the interweb. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bleedin’ local library and look it up ourselves, in the index card box!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the post box and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence apeice!

Social Services didn’t give a rats hoo-haa if our parents gave us an ‘ear warmer’. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were none of them there iPods, iPhones, iTunes gubbins If you wanted to steal music, you had to schlep down to the record shop and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and that Tony Blackburn would usually talk over the beginning and ruin it with one of his bobbins jokes! There were no CD players or iPods! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would unravel. Because – that’s how we rolled. Geddit?

We didn’t have fancy technology like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got an engaged tone and that was that!

And we didn’t have the luxury of Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a bailiff, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, dude! That’s if you had a phone! WE had to use semaphore!

We didn’t have any state-of-the-art Sony Playstation or X-Box 360 video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little magazine called a TV Times to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! What with TWO flamin’ channels! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel! It was BBC or ITV. AND NO REMOTE CONTROL!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILT LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat summat up we had to use the stove! Imagine that! NO DINGBOX!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

End of rant!

 

                                             

Awareness Awareness Week....

 

                                  

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.



The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”



The school phoned me today and sez, "Your son's been telling lies again and has to do detention." I replied, "Well, tell him he's very good - I ain't got a son!"



I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

                                     

The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge...



Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, known as Gubbins Syndrome, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet....

                                            

The wife and I went to see a marriage guidance councillor last Tuesday. He asked if I knew what her favourite flower was. I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied, "I know this one, it's Homepride isn't it?"

I've recently conducted some research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.
The results were, quite frankly, staggering! There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk. Up!


I met a homeless man sitting on a bench; I asked him how he ended up this way. He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had a roof over my head, three meals a day, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym every day, the library, even school if I wanted." I asked him, "What happened? Drugs, alcoholism, divorce?" "Oh no! Nowt like that." he exclaimed. “I just got out of prison..."



Fascinating Fact: The average person will walk nine hundred miles per year and will drink on an average, a staggering twenty-seven gallons of beer. That's an average of 41 miles to the gallon. I get about 90 miles to the gallon, give or take the odd 100 litres.



Have you ever possessed an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles, but hesitated, because you were concerned that you'd get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven't we all? Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and never worry about getting dizzy if you assume a comical position and strike da pose!    You can follow me on www.twitter.com/comedianuk Now, get back to work!