That's when the fight started....

 

                                                         

The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently sez, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started....



Thought for Thursday: It's really strange how many comedians live at the Apollo. They must put ‘em on pallets.



The Wi-Fi was not working, so I chatted to the wife for a while. I was surprised that she’s no longer working at Woolworths.



I went to the doctors with a nasty cough, he asked me: "Have you started smoking again?"   I replied: "No why?" He sez: " Shame I'm selling 200 Lambert & Butler for forty quid. After completing a thorough medical examination from the doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor replied: "That's what puzzles me."



60 might be the new 40, but then 9pm is the new midnight! Innit awful gerrin auld!

                                                    

I don't like selfish people. I saw this bloke pushing over forty-odd trolleys at Tesco yesterday morning. Really! Don’t you think someone else might want one? Disgraceful conduct.



Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the assistant, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife." The assistant asks, "Sheer?" The man replies "No. She's in Aldi at the moment."

                                       

The teacher is standing in front of her class, tutoring them about the spread of disease. "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? she asks. Little Tommy raises his hand to reply, "Don't bite any."



The odd-job man I hired was a total waste of time. I left him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he'd only done one, three, five and seven....



I bumped into my neighbour, Barmy Albert up Scropton St and he told me that he’d caught his 12 year old grandson looking up ladies skirts. I informed him that they tend to do that at his age. “No.” He opined. “This was on eBay!”



Sad news: my obese parrot has died. Good news: it's a huge weight off my shoulder....



I saw a woman wearing a silk sash that bore the legend: "Miss America." I walked up to her and said, "You should go back there then." Then there was an American bloke I met in Manchester. He sez: “Hey, boy, ya see that building over there, why back in the United States of America, we have buildings fifty times bigger!” I replied: “I’m not surprised, it’s a lunatic asylum!”



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com