Editorial for Thursday November 4th 2010

Just FIFTY days to Christmas, the countdown is on! The shops and supermarkets have been full of tinsel, selection boxes and Christmas puds for many a month already, so they are well prepared for the forthcoming onslaught. But what about Santa? He really must get totally fed up with it all every year.

Santa sez to his Chief Elf, “I’m getting sick of this every year, I have to wear this daft red outfit, do all the work myself, end up with absolutely nothing and look a right idiot.” The Elf replied, “Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels”. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a woman sitting at the bar having a drinking champagne. I walked over and sat down next to her. I sez, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She looked at me with much disdain and replied, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look." Aaargh! Hat and coat time already!

I was most confused when I heard the word 'service' used with the following agencies:
Inland (HMRC) Revenue 'Service'
The Post Office Postal 'Service'
British Telecom 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Local, City and County Council Public 'Service'
Moreover, any other customer 'Service' that you can think of.
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. However, yesterday, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
Eureka! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?


Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ...

a) Innovative.
b) Preliminary.
c) Proliferation.


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity.
b) British Constitution.
c) Passive-aggressive disorder.
d) Transubstantiate.

Things that are Totally IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

1) May I sincerely thank you for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
2) Sorry, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
3) I’d love to, but you're not really my type.
4) No kebab for me, thank you.
5) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?5) I'm not interested in arguing with you.
6) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
7) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
8) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
9) I must be going home now as I have to go to work in the morning.
10) I must get to my bed as I could never really sleep in that hedge / shop doorway / skip.

Thought for Thursday: Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
Now, get back to work!

Editorial for 28th October 2010

The missus (I call her Viking, because she has a face like a Norse) was quite annoyed yesterday and I could tell that she was in the mood for an argument. I asked her what the problem was and she advised me that she is concerned that I have an infantile personality, coupled with a childlike nature and reckons that I’m VERY immature. She has come to the conclusion that we must set aside some time and discuss this problem fully. As if that’s gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!

At breakfast, yesterday, I eagerly waited for my 13 year old daughter Susannah to comment on my first attempt at my new recipe cheese omelette. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I manufactured these commercially, how much do you think I would get for one of them?" Without looking up from her iPod she replied, "About five years."

18 Very Good Reasons for being over 50.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you up?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate Fred The Weatherman on Granada Reports.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

On a beautiful autumn day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ......
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”

I purchased a packet of those Cadburys Chocolate Animals yesterday. It clearly stated on the pack 'Do not consume if seal is broken.' What’s all that about then?

Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose!

Ten Questions...

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights
people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are
asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever
bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Man of the house...

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."




He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law.




You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.




After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kinds of sex that I want.




Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.




Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,



"The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess."

The wife...

INNIT AWFUL GERRIN AULD...


**********************************************************************************

The missus reckons that I'm VERY immature and sez we should set some time aside to discuss the matter. As if that's gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ......
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”

Voted BEST Irish Joke 2010!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the

Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."




"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time

I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."