The Boris Becker incarceration situation...

                                  

I sincerely reckon that traffic wardens are nice folks. I received a lovely comment from one today about my driving. I got back to the car and they'd written me a note saying 'Parking Fine". These days, a little bit of observing etiquette, civility and servitude goes a long way.



When Boris Becker was sentenced to two and a half years in the nick for tax fraud, he asked the judge, “Exactly how many months is that?” The judge replied: “That's thirty, love...”



Fascinating Fact: Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

                                      

Exactly 40 years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman in the whole wide world to marry me. All three of them said: “No!”



Late one evening, the priest asked Superman to investigate a strange noise beneath the church. Superman told him in no uncertain terms: “There’s no way I’m going near that crypt tonight!”

                                      

A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for twenty more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband shouts: "Watch that wall!"

It's was so cold last week, I opened the wardrobe door and my jacket had my overcoat on.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question... The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mummy how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they descended from primates?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

My granddad’s going a bit deaf these days. We were talking about restaurants, and I asked him if he liked the ambience to be noisy, or quiet. He said, "I don't care, as long as it gets me to the hospital."

                                  

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
                                         

HRT or BGT? The hormone guide...

                                            

The missus phoned me and sez, "Where are you?" I replied, "You know that jewellers on the High St, where you saw that diamond bracelet that you fell madly in love with?" She said "Oh yes, I do!!" I sez, "Well, I'm in the Wetherspoons, next to that jewellers"



I’m confused. How come 33 is thirty three, 22 is twenty two, but 11 is not oney one?



If you think I'm obsessed with Supertramp, you should take a look at my girlfriend.



I have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
                       

I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert up Scropton Sreet. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened. He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Wow! Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."



I wish that pets lived a lot longer and that the cost of living wasn’t so expensive and cake didn’t make you fat and the bloke next door didn’t play his music so loud. I banged on the wall the other night and shouted “Show a little respect!” He then started playing Aretha Franklin. I don’t ask for much. Isn’t like grand when you’re pots for rags!



The most absurd situation is that computers have started asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot! Who’d a thowt it!



My grandad always said to me “Open as many doors as you can, son” It was quite ironic how he died. He was sucked out of an aeroplane! We used to call me granddad ‘Spiderman.’ Not coz he was very agile, he just couldn’t get out of the bath. He was a proper British craftsman. He used to stain floors. He didn’t mean to.....

                          

Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realized that he was on the bus!

It must be a really upsetting scenario if you had the gross misfortune to have worked at your local Job Centre and was made redundant and then you had to go back in the following day, looking for a job.

                                 

Let’s spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said “that will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary”. Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied “That’s a very competitive price” and handed over his money. “Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get back to work! The summer is a co

Non-Stick Nora's Baskervillian Farrago....

                                              

Although Non Stick Nora’s dog was a female and ‘on heat', she mistakenly agreed to look after her neighbour`s male hound while they were on holiday. She firmly believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs in flagrante and in obvious distress, as so frequently occurs when canines become inflamed and effervescent. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as what to do to remedy this unfortunate farrago. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then ring you back and the noise of the phone ringing will make the male mutt lose all interest and he will then go downstairs and have a drink." "Do you seriously think that will work?" Nora asked. “Well, It just worked on me," the vet replied.

                                                

Thought for Thursday: I just found out, my ultra-sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
                       

Barmy Albert had to appear in court as a witness to a road traffic accident last week. The magistrate asked Albert who he thought was to blame for the head-on collision that occurred. Albert thought for a minute and said, “Well as far as I could tell, I think they both hit each other at exactly the same time.”



I've been really busy. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
                                              

An elderly octogenarian couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and disappeared into the kitchenette. The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally sez: “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “'Yes, that's the one!” Exclaimed the old bloke. He then turned towards the kitchenette and shouted: “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

                                   

Last weekend, I invited a mate back home for dinner. The missus screamed, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, I ain’t done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you bring him back here for?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: "Because he's thinking of getting married."

                                          

Yesterday, I passed by a bloke who appeared to have parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road. I was utterly amazed and wondered how he could sleep with the horn blaring so loudly like it was. Some folk are just pots for rags.

                                                  

Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!