The Facebook, Twitter & Google Farrago.....

                              

Putin has hired a glass bottom boat so he can inspect his navy’s flagship. He still maintains that the Ukrainians didn’t sink the vessel. It was a special underwater military operation.

 

When you’re on Facebook, it asks: ‘What are you thinking?’ Twitter asks ‘What are you doing?’  Google always asks where I am.  I must confess, I reckon that the internet has turned into my missus.

 

I've applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's summat I can see myself doing.

 

Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and deposited a £1 coin in the fruit machine.  The machine spat it out and a voice from within it shouted: “You’re a right ugly moose, you are and ya breath smells putrid!”  He stepped backwards in utter shock and staggered to the bar and there was a bowl of nachos, as he nibbled on one, a voice from inside the bowl pronounced:”May I say that you’re very well dressed and you look 20 years younger than your actual age!”  He told all this to Ethel the barkeep and Ethel told him: “Sorry about that, Albert, the nachos are complimentary, whereas the fruit machine is out of order...”

 

I’m totally committed to consuming only locally sourced food and drink.  Luckily, I live between an off-licence and a pie shop. Furthermore, I identify as an obese alcoholic.

                                       

I visited the off-licence on Easter Sunday while out on my bicycle and purchased a bottle of brandy and placed it in the basket on the bicycle. Upon analysing the situation, I decided that if I inadvertently fell off the bike, then the bottle would get smashed, so I drank all the brandy afore I cycled back home. It was an excellent decision, because I fell off my bicycle sixteen times (or thereabouts!) on my return journey.

 

I walked into the pie shop and complained to the manageress, "I've just bought a meat and potato pie from you, I took just one bite and three teeth fell out!" "Maybe you bit down a tad too hard?" she replied. I sez: "They're not my flamin’ teeth!”

 

I'm suffering from paranoid dementia. I can't remember who I don't trust...

 

If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed us humans picking up dog poo, then who would they think are the dominant species? Moreover, a dog is a man’s best friend, whereas diamonds are a girl’s best friend.  It’s all so unfair!

                                    

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.

 

Non-Stick Nora called me a bone idle wastrel when she came to my house yesterday. On a more positive note and definitely on the plus side, she took down the Christmas tree and all the tinselly decorations.

 

A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here."  The atom didn't react.

 

Thought for Thursday: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

                                

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

 

Make the woman happy and score points!

                                

What with all the kerfuffle of staff shortages and outbreaks of Covid, things are really bad at Manchester Airport. One lady actually collapsed on the baggage carousel. An airport spokesman said: “She is coming round very slowly.”

The missus opined: “Why are you watching Ru Pauls Drag Race? I thought you hated it!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: “It ain't Ru Paul. It’s Ladies day at Aintree Racecourse.”


Barmy Albert hated being a bus driver. Some of the passengers were so rude, he found it difficult to tolerate any of them. He confided in me that he used to look in the mirror and see all the passengers and muttered to himself: “You’re all a load of cretins!” Then he would tap the brakes twice, so that they’d all nod in agreement. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

                                                   

I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and was playing chess with Non-Stick Nora. She sez: “Let’s make this more interesting.” So we stopped playing chess...



If you’re in a boring conversation and looking to escape, then just take off one off your socks and hand it to the person talking...

                                                  

Fascinating Fact: Hank Marvin is fed up of folk offering him a sandwich every time he introduces himself.



The missus was livid when I rolled in at 6am in the morning, paralytic drunk. Not only had she changed the lock on the front door, she’d changed the street name as well!



I asked the lady in the shop: “I need a battery so I can tell the time.” She asked me: “Is it for a clock?” I replied: “I don’t know, that’s why I need the battery...”



In the world of matrimony, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner. (+2) You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3) Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look big in this?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) You hesitate in responding. (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) You give any other response. (-40) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)



The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my hearing holes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.” 

                                      

A Winter's Tale....

                                                     

It’s all so very sad. Apparently, the billionaire CEO of Amazon has left his wife. Presumably, with a neighbour...



This winter has much in common with the missus when she’s really mad at me. It keeps storming out, slamming doors and then comes back shouting: “And another thing!”

I was having a swill in the bathroom yesterday morning and the missus sez “Don’t use those towels!” I asked her why not and she curtly informed me that they were not for use, because they were her ‘looking at’ towels. Just for show, like all those annoying cushions on the bed.   When she came in from work for lunch she wanted to know why I’d not mowed the lawn. I told her I couldn’t because it’s my ‘Looking at’ lawnmower. That’s when the fight started….



Sad news: My morbidly obese parrot has died. Good news: It’s a huge weight off my shoulder….

                                         

The greengrocers shop on Scropton Street has gone into liquidation. They now make smoothies.

Barmy Albert came home and was greeted by Non-Stick Nora scantily clad in a very sexy French maids outfit. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went down Wetherspoons.



I was just wondering, before the Iron Age did people walk around in creased clothing?

                                             

If perchance you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then your information might well have come from the same geezer what was in that REO Speedwagon song.



The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.



I found the double page spread featuring Ronald Fraser in this newspaper last week quite fascinating. I used to bump into dear Ronnie at Granada TV in Manchester and he was also an avid boxing fan, so I invariably sat on the top table with him at many a black-tie event nationwide. I will always remember one particular gig at the Park Lane Hilton in London. We’d both had a few sherbets and he was lighting his cheroots by lifting the solid silver candelabra from the table and the wax from the candles was going all down his brand new tuxedo! I told him this and he sez: “It doesn’t matter, I’m being sponsored by Moss Bros!” RIP Ronnie Fraser. There’ll never be another.



I've decided to attend university and I’m going to study astrology. I've applied for a Russell Grant.

                    

The missus informed me: "There are no such thing as problems, only opportunities."   I sez: "That's fantastic! Because, I have a serious drinking opportunity."



Breaking News: A man was injured at a chocolate factory in the Midlands yesterday. when a pallet load of boxes toppled over onto him. An eye-witness said, “He shouted, ‘The Milky Bars are on me’ However, everyone just cheered and threw their hats in the air!”



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung!
                                      

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