A Freudian slip....

 

                                     

2022 Winter Olympics. This involves Over 100 different ways of sliding. I wouldn’t go down that bobsleigh track unless it’s been gritted!



To the person that stole my new trainers and High Viz jacket - you can run but you can’t hide...



Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...



With the cost of living and fuel bills rocketing skywards, it’s important to seek out bargains. Yesterday, I bought a book of 1,000 raffle tickets for a paltry £2-50, when they’re usually £1 per strip!



What with the exorbitant rise in fuel bills that are being forced upon us, it might well be cheaper to go on holiday to Barbados during the wintertime, than it would be to heat your home in the UK. Who’d a thowt it?

                                             

The missus reckons that I’m going through a mid-life crisis, primarily because I’ve been wearing all my leather trousers and jacket and sporting a rakish bandana whilst straddling the old two-stroke. Well it’s my mower and I’ll do exactly what I like!



I phoned my old mate Bill Withers and told him that ‘Ain’t no Sunshine’ is appalling grammar. He replied: “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know....”



The above reminds me of when I was in New York and bumped into Paul Simon. I asked him: “Paul, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?” He sez: “Call me Al.” I replied: “Al, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?”

                                          

I was feeling rather poorly, so I phoned 111 NHS Direct Helpline. After I’d described my symptoms, he sez: “If you can see a bright light, then go towards it....”



Received a strange phone call, yesterday: "Hello, Mr Knight. This is the Official Receivers Office. I replied: "Are you winding me up?"



The missus told me that bikini season is just around the corner. I sez: “Yeah, but so is Domino’s Pizza outlet!”



Barmy Albert arrives home completely paralytic drunk last Saturday night. He staggers through the door and is met by Non-Stick Nora, who is incandescent with rage and not a happy bunny. “Where the flamin’ hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar," he proclaims. "The Golden Tavern. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" Nora doesn't believe all of this addlepated blather and the next day searches Google, finding a pub in Manchester called The Golden Tavern. She calls up the place to verify Albert’s tale. "Is this the Golden Tavern?" she asks when the landlord answers the phone. "Yes it is," the landlord replies. "Do you have huge golden doors?” "We sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There was a long pause, then Nora hears the landlord shouting, "Hey, Graham!  I think I got a lead on the dude that pissed in your saxophone last night!









Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

The pandemic kerfuffle.....

                        

                                       

In his defence, Boris was totally unaware that it was his birthday. (An excerpt from 50 Shades of Sue Gray). Bring your own boos! It wasn’t any old birthday cake. It was M & S birthday cake!

                                                    

The Met Police have redacted huge tranches of Sue Grays report, because it could have a potential conflict of interest with any forthcoming police action. If Cressida Dick carries on like this, she’s going to get herself a bad name....



Over the past two years, what with all the pandemical kerfuffle, which has included lockdown, masks, social distancing, vaccines and Covid testing etc, has changed many folks way of being and we have all evolved into entirely different entities. Myself, being incarcerated at home with just booze and the missus for company, I’ve become a deaf alcoholic...



Of course, the older you get, the more you learn. For many years, I always thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.

                                          

Non-Stick Nora’s potted cactus has died. Barmy Albert reckons that she is literally less nurturing than the Sahara desert. Nora has a collection of potted plants on her kitchenette

Window sill. Albert has christened it ‘Death Row’....



Last week, our next-door neighbours had a joint Chinese New Year and Burns party. They called it Chinese Burns night. I didn’t really want to attend, but the missus twisted my arm...



I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear: "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

                            

Top Tip: If all the toilets in your home are occupied and you’re desperate for a wee, simply turn off the Wi-Fi router and voila!



Thanks to the gales and storms last weekend, my wheelie bin has to go on a speed awareness course next week! Who’d a thowt it!



Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse.



I called in to see my mate Sid in his new house the other day. He told me to make myself at home. So I chucked him out, because I’m not keen on visitors. Sid has been going through a bad patch lately. He had his ID stolen. I just call him ‘S’ now....



The woke movement have now declared that the word ‘Star’ should now be deemed offensive, as it belittles non achievers.

                                         

A seven year old girl accompanied her father to the office on “Take Your Kid to Work Day” and as they were sauntering around the building, the kid started crying and became most upset. Her dad asked her what was wrong and as the staff gathered around she blubbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?” 

                      

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work! 

 

                                                                      WORDLE

Titanic Survivors Reunion...

 

                                                    

Today is a milestone! Yes, folks, you have no need to wear a mask anymore. It’s as safe as houses. Yesterday, schools and supermarkets were dangerous and masks had to be worn. Today, there’s no problem whatsoever. You can also ditch your Covid passports because the virus knows exactly what day it is! Who’d a thowt it! As you were. Learn to live with it. We’re all in this together. Omincron or Glossop Chron? You choose!



One idiot equals one idiot. Two idiots are equal to two idiots. Thousands of idiots are Boris Johnson’s Tory Party, with the accent on PARTY! .



So I sez to the vicar: “This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?” He replied: “It’s Norman.” I sez: “Sorry, Norman. This is a really lovely church. What period is it from?”



Whilst visiting my daughter last night, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!



I often wonder if women ever ponder and think: “My man really does seem to be quite intelligent and is an absolute mine of valuable information. Perhaps I should just remain silent and listen to him a lot more...”

                                                       

My grandad predicted the sinking of the Titanic. He told folk it was doomed afore it actually sailed! Did anyone take any notice? No! They all totally ignored him. In the end, he was thrown out of the cinema!



I sez to the missus:"Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!



Barmy Albert reckons he’s a strong man, yesterday he was bragging to Non-Stick Nora that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Nora,

telling her that she possessed the strength of a ninepenny rabbit! After several minutes, she had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" she said. "I will bet you your months pension money that I can haul summat in a wheelbarrow over to that shed that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on!” Albert replied, "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Nora reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to Albert, she shouted: "All right. Get in!"



WEATHER WARNING! Southerners: Snow, ice and blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....

                             

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

 

 

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!