Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it!

I got my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, and gazed at my countenance with the utmost disdain, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean networks. Unfortunately, this enabled iNag App which kicked in, and in turn corrupted the iShag function. Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it!




The missus (Not even a sniper would take her out!) curtly informed yours truly that she wants a divorce. “You think more about Manchester United, than you do about me,” she extemporised. She’s really got it all wrong. I think more about Manchester City than I do about her!



Last week, whilst visiting the art gallery in Manchester, I was admiring a rather Rubenesque oil painting of a naked woman, her modesty covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but I stayed put, continuing to admire this great work of art. The missus asks, "What are you hanging around for?" I replied, "Autumn.”



All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stoopid first-timer questions.  One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life." All this free advice, with no strings attached!  If at first you don’t succeed, then that’s the end of skydiving innit!


Alas, Eddie Stobart, founder of the famous logistics company is no more. I have long been a ‘Stobart Spotter’ as I navigate the hallowed tarmacadam of the United Kingdom infrastructure, indeed and I have done for many years. Although Eddie is no longer with us, I shall continue to be a Stobart anorak forever more as I zip hither and thither about the labyrinth of our motorway network. I spotted 158 last week alone, at £1 for every truck, that’s a lot of beer tokens! A film of his life is planned.  I saw the trailer last week. 



Fascinating Fact No 1: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.   Fascinating Fact No 2: It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.


Thought for Thursday: If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Gaddafi Latest!! Scots Want to Quiz Libyan Defector.

Essex Hurricane Appeal...

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".








The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.







Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident -Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria­ Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.







The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.







HOW CAN YOU HELP?







This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots. Any other items usually sold in Primark.







Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans Ice cream Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.







22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of9 £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.







**Breaking news**



Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"







Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex, oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Funeral Joke...

While my missus and I were shopping, a shapely young woman in a short, tight-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"




A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black Hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Join the queue."





A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck?' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just £15.' So the parents began to shout even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen quid?' they asked. 'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen pounds'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on. ' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy; to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen quid and demanded to know why she did it. 'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Rhyll with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new

Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.' (Are women good or what?)

Have you ever wished for a clean and shine polishing product that would shift the canker from a rabid armadillo’s snout and make it really gleam? Yes? Then you need to get yourself a Lifebuoy! Reorganize your priorities, firstly visit my website www.Comedian.ws, it ain't gonna hurt, is it?

How To look Good Naked...

The missus (She talks through her nose, coz her gob is worn out!) is on the warpath! Some lowlife blackguard has stolen her knickers off the washing line. It’s not the knickers that she is annoyed about, but the twenty four clothes pegs that got nicked as well. What exacerbated this most unfortunate farrago even more, is the fact that she sent a photograph and applied to go on 'How To Look Good Naked. ' Yesterday, she received a rejection letter from Channel 4, but they’d like to know if she'd consider 'Scapheap Challenge.' I must say though, that we both share the same sense of humour. We have to. She ain’t got one!




I went into a corner shop in Liverpool last week, picked up a chocolate bar and sez “How much is this, love?” The girl behind the counter replied, “You’re not from round here are you?”



There are three kinds of men: Men who learn by reading. Men who gain knowledge through observation. All the rest of us seem to possess an irresistible urge to touch a ‘Wet Paint’ sign just to find out for ourselves. Personally, I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative.





A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Albert stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Albert?' 'No, miss, I don’t, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' She noticed that Albert wasn't too strong on his maths. She called him and said, 'Albert What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Albert quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'



I reckon there are two theories to arguing with a woman and I have found that neither of them works. A woman has the last word in every argument. Anything a man sez is the beginning of a new argument. So never miss a good chance to shut up.



In response to Fulham's decision to erect a Michael Jackson statue, Arsenal are now planning on putting up a new statue outside their own ground. A lifesize replica of Bullseye legend Jim Bowen will be placed outside, with the plaque reading: "Let's have a look at what you could have won!"



Women always maintain that we men are useless at multi-tasking. Personally, I can talk and annoy someone at the same time!



I simply cannot wait for the London 2012 Olympics. Tickets went on sale this week, so I applied immediately. I’ve just received two x 100 metre tickets yesterday. You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in!



Fascinating Fact: In 2011, this year, July has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years. Fascinating!

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!

Multi-National, International Joke...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican wetback, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

Will I Live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned fifty.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have
lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?