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Saturday 19 March 2011

How To look Good Naked...

The missus (She talks through her nose, coz her gob is worn out!) is on the warpath! Some lowlife blackguard has stolen her knickers off the washing line. It’s not the knickers that she is annoyed about, but the twenty four clothes pegs that got nicked as well. What exacerbated this most unfortunate farrago even more, is the fact that she sent a photograph and applied to go on 'How To Look Good Naked. ' Yesterday, she received a rejection letter from Channel 4, but they’d like to know if she'd consider 'Scapheap Challenge.' I must say though, that we both share the same sense of humour. We have to. She ain’t got one!

I went into a corner shop in Liverpool last week, picked up a chocolate bar and sez “How much is this, love?” The girl behind the counter replied, “You’re not from round here are you?”

There are three kinds of men: Men who learn by reading. Men who gain knowledge through observation. All the rest of us seem to possess an irresistible urge to touch a ‘Wet Paint’ sign just to find out for ourselves. Personally, I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Albert stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Albert?' 'No, miss, I don’t, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' She noticed that Albert wasn't too strong on his maths. She called him and said, 'Albert What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Albert quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'

I reckon there are two theories to arguing with a woman and I have found that neither of them works. A woman has the last word in every argument. Anything a man sez is the beginning of a new argument. So never miss a good chance to shut up.

In response to Fulham's decision to erect a Michael Jackson statue, Arsenal are now planning on putting up a new statue outside their own ground. A lifesize replica of Bullseye legend Jim Bowen will be placed outside, with the plaque reading: "Let's have a look at what you could have won!"

Women always maintain that we men are useless at multi-tasking. Personally, I can talk and annoy someone at the same time!

I simply cannot wait for the London 2012 Olympics. Tickets went on sale this week, so I applied immediately. I’ve just received two x 100 metre tickets yesterday. You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in!

Fascinating Fact: In 2011, this year, July has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years. Fascinating!

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website or email me: Now, get back to work!

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