A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked "Is my time up?" Gabriel said, "No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn't you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?" Gabriel replied: " Shit! I didn't recognise you!”
His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let's go”. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I'm a photographer for the BBC” , he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?”
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!
FEB 10th 2011Early last September, the local supermarket had all the Christmas stuff on display. On New Year’s Day, I was staggered to witness that Easter eggs were on the shelves. It gets worse! Although we have two weeks before Pancake Day, all the shops are full of flour, eggs & milk. It's ridiculous!!
Burns Night was two weeks ago, last week saw Chinese New Year. This week why don't we have Chinese Burns Night? The kids would love it!!
A Scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows the panel an antique blunderbuss shotgun and an old gamekeepers pouch. Duncan Bannatyne sez "And what is your idea?" The Scouser replied, "It's a very simple concept Duncan, just put all the f**kin' money in the bag"...
My New Year’s resolution is to stop leaving things so late.
Whenever the missus sez, "What do you think?" she is not asking for your opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from your mouth.
A woman was sitting at the bar of my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome extremely sexy, middle aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, " I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for fifty quid, on one condition." Flabbergasted, but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £50 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said, “Paint my house”.
The sprog Susannah came thundering down the stairs, much to my annoyance. “Susannah," I opined, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs very quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and she reappeared in the living room. "That's better," I sez, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that?" "Suits me," she replied. "I slid down the bannister." It’s amazing isn’t it. You spend the first few years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next fourteen telling them to sit down and shut up!
Corns and bunion pain exacerbated with athletes foot malady? I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that the secret to lasting hair growth is to tell the world about this gloppy column and my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com All you have to do is tell your friends and family and your friends and families friends and family and then, do it all over again.
