Breaking News...

Bernard Mathews died to-day age 80


The funeral will be held next week
at Norfolk Crematorium


11am Gasmark 6 for 3 Hours

AN IRISH GHOST STORY...

AN IRISH GHOST STORY


This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.






The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped.


John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.





Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.



A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other....

Look Paddy....there's that fecking idiot that
got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Blonde Joke...

A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the barman, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair – giving that you are blind that you should
know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
“Nah. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.

Two sides to every story...

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.

Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!






At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour – and when we got home, as there was no electricity, I had to light f------g candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't finish for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

A Boozers Tale...

I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units,
I've just got to take care o' miself
So I merely have wine wi' mi supper,
An' just the one litre OK?
Then a rather large rum in mi coffee
An' I calls that mi sensible day

I never drink wine on a Tuesday,
Cos Tuesday's mi weightwatchin' club
It's the day when I eat nowt but cabbage,
The day I don't go much fer grub
Now a diet demands plenty fluid,
Summat light an' completely fat-free
So I've chosen that strong German lager
An' I just have five pints wi' mi tea

I never drink lager on Wednesday,
Cos Wednesday's the day fer mi jog
It's tracksuit an' trainers at mid-day
Then I'm off up the road wi' the dog
First stop's at the Globe fer some Guinness,
Three swift ones'll get me to grips
Then I carry on round to The Shepherds
Fer three more an' a burger an' chips
I make sure that I'm suitably rested,
Then I sprint back to our garden wall
In a time of under twelve minutes,
An' it's four 'undred metres an' all

I never drink Guinness on Thursday,
Cos Thursday's mi day to relax
I likes to sit out in t' back garden
In mi brown zip-up cardie an slacks
After lunch I might stroll by the river,
Breeze in at the Fisherman's Drop
Where I lounge on the terrace all lordly,
Sippin' shandy, but beawt any pop
Then cos I've been good through the day like,
She'll allow me to waver a smidge
So mi evenin's spent watchin' the footy
Wi' a few packs o' Boddies from t' fridge

I never drink Boddies on Friday,
Cos Friday's mi night on the razz
An' we meet in The Firkin at seven,
Owd Nodger an' me an' Fat Baz
Oh The Firkin's a beer-drinker's heaven,
Wi' fifteen real ales from the jug
An' we start wi' the ones in the tap-room
An' we works our way round to the snug
By midnight we're all talkin' gubbins
An' we're off fer a curry up town
But there's summat not reyt about curry
Cos I never seem t' keep the stuff down
We 'ave a good laugh wi' the waiters,
An' Baz moons his bum fer a joke
Then I'm home fer a nightful o' passion,
Cos I'm known as a passionate bloke

I never do much on a Sat'day,
Cos Sat'day's mi time fer a think
Cos me an' the wife are not speakin' today,
I'm a drunken, fat pig an' I stink
So I sit near the lavvie pretendin'
That really I'm feelin' just great
But I'm goin' right off that Indian food
If it leaves me in this bloody state
It's later I make the decision,
On my forty-third trip to the bog
There's only one thing cures an upset like this
An' they call it the 'air o' the dog
I ring Nodge an' Baz on mi mobile
An' both of 'ems likewise in pain
So we're back in The Firkin at quarter-past-six
An' we do it all over again

I never say Firkin on Sunday,
Cos Sunday's mi day to repent
I'm ashamed of all o' that boozin' I've done
An' all o that money I've spent
I begs the wife fer forgiveness
An' I promise I'll alter mi ways
An' she gives me a kiss an' a cuddle,
Like she did in our newly-wed days
We watch Songs of Praise on the telly,
Then a nice pot o' tea an' some cakes
An' I swear now I've climbed up the ladders,
I'll never slide down any snakes
But it's borin' on telly on Sunday,
An' I can't say I'm ever impressed
So I 'ave a walk out round the village
An' stop off at the Collier's Rest
Now the beer's a bit crap in The Collier's
So I leave an' pop round to The Swan
Where I flatten a shed-load o' Tetley's
An' I'm bloody well back to square one

So I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units
I've just got to take care o' miself

These are NOT made up.(?!) They are the The Worst (or Best) Country & Western

These are NOT made up.(?!) They are the The Worst (or Best) Country & Western
Song Titles of All-Time:

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
15. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
16. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
17. Please Bypass this Heart
18. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
19. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

A man in a posh restaurant in Spain asks for something different. The waiter brings a plate of food with two large meat-ball looking "things" in gravy. "What the hell's this?" he asks. "well Senor, after the bullfight and the bull has lost, we eat the bull, nothing is wasted, this is a delicacy, please try it". The man has a tentative taste, "Hmm, not bad". He tries some more, decides he likes it and asks what it is. The waiter tells him that "You English call them sweetbreads, the Bull's balls". "I'm not English, I'm Welsh, but no matter: if you'd told me that first I wouldn't have tried it but I like it". He liked it that much he had them on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as well. On the Friday the waiter asks him what he'd like and the man says "Some more bollocks please". When the waiter brings the plate there's two very small oval lumps in the gravy. "Hey, where's t h! ! e bollocks mate" he says. The waiter replies "Well Senor, the bull doesn't always lose".

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know shag-pile carpets, big double mattress in the back...) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've e! ! ver seen!"

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Father, I'm telling everybody."

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here...."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives... The voice booms out again, "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

Diamond Bracelet Joke...

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woopsie and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of
a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident',
she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers,

"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit
yourself when I tell you the price!"