To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian...

                                           

Royal Mail has withdrawn the new Kier Starmer stamp because it wasn’t sticking to envelopes. After much investigation, it was discovered that folk are spitting on the wrong side!

Chancellor Rachel Reeves' impromptu tear-fest at PMQ’s in The Commons last week could have been avoided if only she hadn’t written her proposed £5bn welfare cuts on an onion.

                                           

 

I reckon that people who take ketamine should get off their high horse. To the naysayers, I say: To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian. You need to be in a stable relationship.

I’m absolutely flabbergasted! My local barber just got arrested for drug dealing. I've been a customer for years, and I can honestly say that I had no Idea he was a barber.

During a visit to his doctor, Barmy Albert asked the learned physician: "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be incarcerated in an old folks’ home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," sez Albert. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he replied. "A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

                                                 

Top 10 Signs You’ve hired the wrong geezer to mow Your lawn.

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Tesco carrier bag.

9. On the side of his mower, you notice the stencilled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

8. Stops frequently to take a nap inside the potting shed.

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

5. He’s fascinated by the details of your home security system.

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

3. Somehow manages to mow the bonnet ornament off your Mercedes.

2. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.

1. No toes.

                                 

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had played golf every single day since her retirement 25 years ago. But one evening, she returned home looking unusually downcast. "That’s it," she told her husband, Tommy. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it lands." Tommy, who was a remarkable 93 years old, made her a comforting cup of tea and opined: "Why don’t you take me along and give it one more try?" Elsie sighed. "That’s no good," she replied. "You’re 93! What help could you possibly be?" Tommy straightened up proudly and said, "I may be 93, but my eyesight is perfect!" The next day, Elsie very reluctantly took Tommy to the golf course. She teed up, took a powerful swing, and squinted down the fairway. Turning to Tommy, she asked, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" Tommy replied confidently. "I told you, my eyesight is perfect." "Great!" said Elsie, feeling a surge of hope. "So, where did it go?" Tommy paused for a moment, then scratched his head."...I can’t remember."



Pretend that you’re Marty McFly time traveling to the Oasis gig in your Delorean by hurling your monthly wage packet down a sewer, while trying to listen to The Beatles with your ear to a wine glass that’s held against a fortress wall.



Parting is such sweet sorrow. I will be working abroad for a short spell. However, this column will return very soon. Crank up the BBQ and before you know it, we’ll be back to hilarity in Chortleville! Visit my Jokey-Bloggington on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!