I told my 28-year-old daughter Suzie that when I was her age, I used to get ten CDs in the mail for a penny. Unfortunately, she didn’t know what a CD was, what a penny was, what the mail was, or all of the above! We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school…
If I ever win the EuroMillions lottery, I pledge that nobody around me will be struggling financially, and I mean that sincerely. This is because I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
54-year-old Chester Draws was set up on a blind date. His mate Dave sez: "She's a lovely lass, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby." Chester felt a total idiot walking into the pub wearing a just a nappy....
Question of the week: Of all the utensils invented to eat rice, how did two sticks win?
Ladies. Listen Up! Do you hate doing all the ironing? Here’s a top tip. If you write every letter of the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board, you will encourage ghosts to do all your ironing for you, while you’re out at bingo!
Barmy Albert took Non-Stick Nora to a packed restaurant - no seats were available, and to make matters worse, there was an hour waiting time. Quick as a flash, Nora pulled out her phone, held it to her ear, and shouted loudly: “Hey, get over here rapid! She’s here with someone else!” Six couples got up and left!
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night, they dropped me twice while carrying me to the taxi.
I’ve visited many places in my life and time, but I’ve never been to Cahoots. You cannot go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone else. Moreover, I’ve never been in Cognito either. I’ve been reliably informed that nobody recognises you in Cognito. I have, however, been in Sane. There is no airport and you must be driven there. I have made many trips….
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle and her husband Tommy return to the Mercedes dealership and discover that the same salesman had just sold the car that they were interested in to a young, voluptuous and leggy blonde woman. Tommy opined to the salesman that he was under the impression that he would hold the vehicle until they sorted out the £35k asking price, “Yet I just heard that you closed the deal for £30k to that lovely young lady over there, even though you insisted that there could be no discount whatsoever on this model.” Slightly embarrassed, the salesman told Tommy: “I’m very sorry, but the lady had the ready cash, and just look at her. How could I resist?” Just then, the gorgeous blonde approached the old folks and handed them the keys. She then sez: “There you go. I told you that I could get this Bozo to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa!” The moral of this story? Never mess with the elderly. They’re constantly ahead of the game!
I didn’t think I was chubby until the woman at McDonald's sez to me: “I’m sorry about your weight.”
The difference between men and women: When Non-Stick Nora stays out all night, she tells Barmy Albert that she slept over at her girlfriends house. Albert phones Nora’s five best pals, and none of them know anything about it. However, when Albert doesn’t come home one night, Nora phones Albert’s ten best mates and eight of them confirm that he has slept over, and two claim that he’s still there!
The next time you perpetuate a profound dislike for your present circumstances, remember that it’s all about perspective. I have a mate who reads about two or three books every day, has no financial worries whatsoever, he works out twice every day, and has folk around him who have a strong desire to jump into bed with him all the time. All this, and he constantly complains about how much he hates prison. Don’t be incarcerated within four walls. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and alleviate the monotony by having a chortle. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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