A preposterous posting!

                                   

The missus phoned me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her: "How did you know it was on its way to work?" That was two days ago and she's not talking to me!

Fascinating Fact: Pre- means before, and post means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

A Polish man goes to the optometrist for an eye test. The optician shows him a test card that says: CZWJXNYSACZ and asks: “Can you read that?” He replies: “Read it? He's my uncle!”

After 35 years of marriage, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went to consult a marriage guidance counsellor. When asked what the problem was, Nora launched into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on she ranted: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this to continue for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and, after asking Nora to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, with Albert watching - and raising an eyebrow. Nora then shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Albert and sez: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."


There are only two workers in the afternoon at Scropton Street Abattoir and they’re both chatting. Elsie Grabknuckle announces: “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.” Her work colleague, Willy Eckerslyke starts chortling and sez: “Never - you know he’s a frosty-faced old toad! How on earth would you do that?” Elsie grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks: “What on earth are you doing?” Elsie replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss sez: , “You’ve been working too hard, you’ve gone doo-lally. Go home, get some rest, and take the day off.” Willy Eckerslyke grabs his coat to follow her and the boss shouts: “Where do you think you’re going?” Willy replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark!”

                         

I was watching an Australian Master Chef episode, and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised - Australians normally boo meringue. Of course, in Scotland, you could go into a cakeshop and ask: “That cake in the window, is it an éclair or a meringue?” and the shop assistant would answer: “No. Your right. It’s an eclair.” I couldn’t drive to the cakeshop because the sign outside said: ‘No Parkin’. This bloke complained. He sez: “Why is that cake 50p, whereas the one next to it costs £1?” The assistant informed him: “Because that’s Madeira cake.”

I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They don’t make men of that calibre anymore. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and sez: “Plethora.” His wife told me, “Thank you. That means a lot.” Then, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, got up and uttered the word ‘Waterhole’. Tommy’s missus replied: “I know Hugh meant well.”

There was a spotty, precocious youth sitting on the back pew in the church at the funeral. He was talking loudly into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no flamin’ WiFi in this church.” When the priest approached him and proclaimed, "You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"



If you ever need me, I’m always just five missed calls and six unanswered text messages away. Or you can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!