RIP Johnnie Finn.

 

We both went to school together and attended Nicholls Ardwick High School. I was in the first year, whereas John was in his final year.

                                           

Back in June 1973, I did my first ever gig at the Locomotive Pub in Ardwick.  John wrote all my material. I did impressions then.  We went on to do Sunday lunchtime Concert Secretaries auditions and began getting quite a bit of work in.  Later on we managed to get in to see Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson and wrote a few scripts for them as well. John also penned The Lord's Prayer for Maxton G Beesley's Harold Wilson impersonation (The PM at the time) who had just won Opportunity Knocks and was about to appear on the London Palladium with our material.

                               

He was quite a character, and we travelled all over the UK together, doing gigs in working men's clubs and other assorted venues.  They were plentiful at this time and Manchester had literally dozens of cabaret clubs and pubs that hosted a full week's entertainment.  This featured a headline top-of-the bill and a couple of supporting acts, plus a full orchestra! They were indeed halycon days. 

                                       

Farewell Johnnie, life will be infinitely poorer for your passing. It was an honour and a privilege to know you. There'll never be another.  Until we meet again, dear friend. Rest in Peace.

                                  

Cynthia Slopbouquet & The Prada Futshooz...

                             

Cynthia Slopbouquet was at The Trafford Centre on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect Prada shoes in the first shop and a beautiful Yves Saint Laurent dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything she spotted was reduced by fifty percent. Then her iPhone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. Cynthia asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up, she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the designer boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more fashion emporiums on the way to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of frothy latte and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then, she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round-the-clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!” Cynthia was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt that she broke down and began sobbing. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what shoes you bought.”Whilst appearing at a local gig recently, a fella came up to me after the show and offered me five thousand quid to speak at a black-tie charity dinner in London for the Brittle Bone Society. Well, I snapped his hand off!

What is it with trainspotters these days? I counted 26 of them this morning. After that, I spotted an albino dalmatian in the park. I thought it was the least I could do! When I got back home, I found out I've failed my online German exam. Sacre bleu!

                                               

 

Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants. Is a wife who told him which pants to wear. My wife’s intuition is so highly developed that she knows I’m wrong before I’ve even opened my mouth!

Barmy Albert was on holiday with Non-Stick Nora and he sez to her: "I bet you'd like to see where Dick Turpin lived?" Nora replied: "Sure would". Albert sez: "No, that's Robin Hood".

Why do we say: “I slept like a baby.” When babies wake up every two hours crying and wailing, need nappies changing and want feeding. I want to sleep like a cat: fourteen hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets. Don’t ask meow!

I tried out one of those apps that show you what you would look like as an old person. It’s called camera! Doncha just love technology! I asked Alexa to check my bank balance and to advise me which Apple product I could afford. Alexa told me: “Apple juice!”

Fascinating Fact: When Lord Nelson passed away, he was five feet tall. However, his statue in Trafalgar Square in London is fifteen feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1

                       

 



If you ever need me then I’m always just four missed calls, five text messages and a couple of Whatsapp away. Furthermore, you can visit my website. Just click on: www.comedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                      
                     

The Starmer & Miliband Plan...

                         

Kier Starmer shouted Ed Milband into his office one day and sez: "Ed, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England."
"Great idea, Kier. Now how will we go about it?’ asked Miliband
"Well" sez Starmer: "We’ll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, in Compton Dundon or another village and we’ll show them we really enjoy the Countryside and everything."
"Right, Oh" replied Miliband. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and
found a lovely country pub (The Dog & Dildo) and with the dog, went in and sauntered up to the bar. "‘Good evening, Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the
wood?" asked Starmer. "Good evening, Prime Minister’ said the landlord, "Two pints of Farquarharson's Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer it is, coming up".
Starmer and Miliband stood leaning on the bar, quaffing their ale and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the public bar opened and in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the next half hour, several other locals came in,
lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking perplexed.
Eventually, Starmer and Miliband could stand it no longer and called the landlord over. "Tell me," says Starmer ""Why did all those old shepherds and other punters come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it a local custom?’
"Good Lord No.!"’ answered the barkeep, "It’s just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes."

www.comedianuk.com

When Keir Starmer visited The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub....

                                                           

Kier Starmer has announced that Winter Heating Allowance will be restored, providing pensioners over 80 are still living with both parents in order to receive any additional support.

Non-Stick Nora appeared on BBC’s The Travelling Auctioneers with an ancient clock that she claimed had been in her family for over 500 years. Christina Trevanion asked her: “Nora, this clock has been in your family for an eternity. It’s the most important and sentimental heirloom you possess. Why have you never tried to get it repaired and in working order, until now?” Nora sez: “I couldn’t be bothered until I saw this programme. Barmy Abert told me that if I pretend to get upset, then you’ll fix it and then flog it for me, all for free!”



Before heading to war, the king locked his beautiful wife in her room and handed the key to his trusted friend, Wally . "Wally, If I don't return in four days, unlock the door and she'll be yours," the king declared. The king rode off heroically, but just 30 minutes later, he heard frantic hoofbeats behind him. He turned to see his mate Wally riding like the wind. The king stopped. "What happened?" Catching his breath, Wally exclaimed, "You gave me the wrong key!"



Every Sunday morning, I always go out and perform two hours of bell ringing. All my friends take the Mickey out of me for having such an unusual pastime, but I find it most therapeutic. It seems to annoy the bus driver quite a bit though. I got chucked off the 237 last Sunday!



I shouldn't be here right now, I should be back at college studying 'Electron Quantum Physics'.
Still, you can't be in two places at once, can you?

                              

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had made Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. Her husband Tommy asked he how she knew that it was a Himalayan rabbit. Elsie informed him: I found him a-layin n in the road....



Young Willy Eckerslyke was wearing a Man United shirt yesterday. So far, he’s been spat at, slapped around the fizzog and called a brainless moron. God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.


Barmy Albert visited the doctor and sez: “Doctor, you gotta check my leg. Summat is terribly wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his stethoscope to Albert's thigh only to hear, "Gimme a fiver. I really need a latch-lifter to get me into Wetherspoons." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc, just listen to my knee." The doctor placed his stethoscope against Albert's patella and could clearly hear it say: "I’m absolutely skint, borrow us a tenner mate, until I get me Giro." "Albert, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never witnessed anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your stethoscope up to my ankle." Albert urged him. The physician did as Albert asked and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need two quid. Gizzus two quid!" "I have no idea what to tell you." the doctor opined "There's nothing about it in my medical books," he said as he frantically searched all his reference manuals. However, I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places." Albert asked: “Well, what can I do to fix the problem?” The doctor replied: “If I were you, I’d keep well away from those places….”
                                  

Keir Starmer goes along to The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub in a bid to try and integrate with the hoi polloi. While he’s there, he gets talking to the captain of the darts team, who invites him over for a game, and although he’s never played darts before and doesn’t know the rules, he decides to give it a go, because it would be a good photo opportunity and might help bolster his flagging popularity. They then walk over to the board where he’s introduced to the rest of the team, and after a quick discussion between the players, the captain says to Keir: “Seeing as it’s your first time, we’ve decided to let you be the goalkeeper.”

I’m a free spirit. I do free spirit gubbins. So please don’t look at me in a confused manner, just gaze at me in wonderment and then you too will draw massive inspiration from my profound eccentricity and emulate my loopiness in your everyday routine. Visit my website: www.comedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now, get back to work!   

                        

The Laughing Tesla....

                            

Yesterday, I spotted a pair of teenagers snogging in the park. It reminded me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers snogging in the park…

This little kid was throwing a tantrum in Tesco because his mum wouldn’t buy him a bar of chocolate. So, I bought one and ate it in front of him…

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they’ve won the game, well that’s not allowed in bowls. Moreover, if you have an umpire in cricket and a referee in football, then what do you have in bowls? I asked Elsie Grabknuckle and she sez: “Goldfish!”

I sez to the missus: "Where did you get that bass guitar?" She replied: "Next door." I sez: "But you can't play the bass guitar." She thought for a moment and told me: "I know, but neither can he."

Just when you’re on a strict diet and trying to resist temptation and you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone. Then BOOM! Onion rings...

Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert: I wish that I was a newspaper, so I would be in your hands all day.”

Albert replied: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day!” That’s when the fight started!

                                      

When I returned home from a gig last week, the wife was whispering softly in the house. I asked her if she had laryngitis or a sore throat. She sez: “Zuckerberg is listening in to all our private conversations and stealing data for their files!” I couldn’t stop laughing at this absurd notion. Then Alexa laughed and Siri laughed and a Tesla that was driving past laughed!





With frightening similarities to the iconic horror filum The Omen, Non-Stick Nora took her grandson Damien to the Scropton Street Cafeteria and Eaterie, and asked the precocious seven-year old what he would like for his breakfast. The kid replied with a loud and commanding voice: “I wish to devour the unborn!” There followed a stunning silence, as everyone in the café turned and stared at them. An embarrassed Nora quickly told the waitress: “Eggs. He’d like some eggs!”

                                    

I sauntered into Costa Coffee in Edinburgh last week and asked the barista for a latte with oat milk. In a thick Scottish accent, the poor lad managed to say (With a straight face.); “Sir, I’m sorry, but I cannae make a latte withoot milk!” As I was gazing at the pastry and sweet selection, I asked him: “Is that an éclair or a meringue?” He replied: “No. You’re right, it’s an éclair!”



The bloke who stole my diary sadly passed away yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. I’d also like to tell the scurrilous individual who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…..

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with Lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Fascinating Facts; English is the only language where you drive in parkways and park in driveways. It's also the only language where you recite in a play and play in a recital. Furthermore, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


              

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Laundrette and Washerama....

 

                                     

Ladies. Listen Up! Always remember that having a husband is a precious asset, primarily because you will always have someone close to confide in and share all your secrets and gossip with and he will never betray your confidence and tell anybody, because he wasn’t listening in the first place!



My missus can’t remember the password for Facebook that she created just yesterday, but she can remember exactly what I said on February the 12th 2009! She had a go at me last week and sez: “I was talking to you and you yawned seven times!” I admitted: “Those were not yawns. Those were seven unsuccessful attempts to try and get a word in!



Fascinating Fact: Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life whereas
laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.



A woman was having an affair and in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s car pulling up on the driveway. “Quick!” she shouted. “Stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him completely with talcum powder. “Don't move until I tell you.” “Pretend that you're a statue, keep perfectly still.” ” 'What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it's a statue.” she replied: ”The Jenkins next door bought one and I liked it so much, I got one for us, too” Not another word was uttered, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am, the husband got up, went down to the kitchenette and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here, have this.” he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: “I stood like that for two days at the Jenkins house and nobody offered me anything!”



Further Fascinating Fact: Did you know that ‘Dammit I’m Mad’ spelled backwards is: ‘Dammit I’m Mad’. Moreover, If you spell the words ‘absolutely nothing’ backwards, you get ‘Gnihton yletulosba’, which ironically means absolutely nothing.

                                        

Can the government kindly repair the potholes that I was already taxed to fix, because they are causing damage to the car that I pay annual road tax on. The same car that I purchased with the income that I earn that is already taxed. The same car that sits on the driveway of my house that is now subject to paying double the council tax that I had to cough up last year.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. It's great to see so many new faces today....

Back in 1997, when my daughter Suzie was born, another dad at the Maternity Ward congratulated me and sez: “My son was born yesterday. Maybe they'll marry each other!” Yeah right! Like my daughter is going to marry someone twice her age...

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Laundrette and Washerama, Elsie Grabknuckle sez: “I have a conundrum for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Non-Stick Nora pondered for a minute and replied: “I reckon maybe three.” Elsie corrected Nora and told her: “No. You could only eat one, because after that, your stomach would no longer be empty.” Nora agreed and sez: “Very clever. I never thought of that.” That night, she asked Barmy Albert: “Hey, I got a riddle for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “Hmmm. I could probably scoff five.” Nora opined: Oh fiddlesticks! If you’d have said three, I had a really funny answer!”

I hate it when you visit someone’s house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door. What really annoys me is that they never ever have a bouncy castle!

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                             

The difference between knowledge and wisdom...

 

                                       

In days of yore, when we had biology at school the teacher asked who was brought up on bottled milk and most kids put their hands up, she then asked the class who was breast fed. Unfortunately, I was the only one to put my hand up, I felt slightly embarrassed, but the teacher told me not to be, as breastfeeding was the best way to bring up a child. I agreed with her, but told her that I found it most disconcerting as I had to share with a bloke who smoked 20 Woodbines and necked 5 pints of Boddingtons Bitter every day.

Meanwhile, Students in an advanced Biology class at the University of Manchester were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get at it.

                                           

  



Thanks to the people that said it's fine to let your pet sleep on your bed. My goldfish is now dead!



It’s funny how supermarkets now put jokes on the back of their desserts. Listen to this one:
“Serves four people.” Yeah right! Anyway, I digress. Non-Stick Nora was In Tesco’s looking for a trifle. She couldn't see the top shelf, so this Viking put her onto his shoulders and walked up and down the aisle until Nora had selected all the puddings she wanted. She didn’t know who he was. Even though she’d been riding through the desserts on a Norse with no name.


Still on the subject of supermarkets, a state-of-the art megastore has opened near me. It employs advanced technology to attract customers. It uses an automatic water mister machine to keep produce fresh. Just prior to activation, you can hear the sound of distant thunder and catch the aromatic scent of fresh rain. Upon approaching the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and you can smell the fragrance of newly mown hay. Near the egg section, hens are clucking away and the pong of bacon and eggs frying entices the customer even more. The vegetable department produces the scent of buttered corn on the cob. I don’t buy my toilet rolls there anymore though….



The difference between knowledge and wisdom? Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a trifle. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

                                           

Last week in the hot summer weather, Barmy Albert was stung by a bee on his forehead. He’s currently in Tameside Hospital with a swollen and bruised face and a fractured jaw. Apparently, he almost died! Luckily, Non-Stick Nora was close enough to whack the bee with a shovel.



Fascinating Fact: Only a woman who has delivered a baby without an epidural can truly comprehend
the pain that a bloke endures when he’s got the manflu.



Little Jasons mum shouts at him and declares: “You treat this place like a hotel!” As she leaves the room, he starts chortling. His sister asks him what is so funny? Jason sez: “She’ll regret saying that when I give her a low score on Tripadvisor!”

                           

Breaking News: Four teenagers who were vaping behind the Vatican have accidentally elected a new Pope.



In a fatal accident yesterday, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the group of folks that he was photographing did everything they could to warn him…



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!