The ironic audacity of the ATM machine....

                         

I’ve given up Lent for alcohol! Booze is no longer in my vodkabulary. I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and discovered that if you drink too much, it’s likely Tequilya! Shurely shome mishtake?

I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! I’ve never played cards since, because I’m frightened of winning them back.

Yesterday, I purchased a bottle of Fred Flintstone aftershave cologne. The aroma is quite strong. It’s a very powerful fragrance and you don't need to splash much of it on. In fact, just a little dab'll do ya!

To the person who stole my furniture polish. I will find you, that is my Pledge....

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales assistant that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. “Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “Exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?” The bride-to-be sez: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.” “Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.” “Gadzooks!” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon suite at the hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limousine on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.” “What about your third husband?” “He was a Labour politician “, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, however. nothing ever happened.”

                        

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, I got knocked over by a youth on one of those electric scooters. It was entirely my own fault though, as I was walking on the pavement.

Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “If someone offered you five hundred quid because you’re ugly, would you take it?” Nora replied: “Yes. I’m ugly not stupid.”

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle recently visited his doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said he was doing fairly well for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Tommy couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 100?' The physician enquired: “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?” “Oh no.” he replied. The doctor then asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? He sez: “Not much... my missus reckons that all red meat is very unhealthy.” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking or jet-skiing?' “No, I don't.”' Tommy opined. The quack continued: “Do you gamble on horses, drive fast cars or have lots of hanky-panky in the bedroom? “Definitely not!” Tommy advised. Wearing a saturnine grimace, The good doctor gazed at Tommy and asked him: “Then why do you want to live until you’re 100?”

                             

I never reckoned that orthopaedic shoes would do anything whatsoever for my posture, but now, I stand corrected. When I was a kid, we used to have them stick-on soles, but they weren’t as good as shoes. I once made a pair of shoes entirely from Lego. Whenever I used to stand on a piece of Lego that the kid had left on the carpet, it didn’t hurt because I just got taller…

Fascinating Fact: Stock market disaster! Apple have announced that although their profits are down, their turnover is still good. Especially with some custard. The iPhone's connected to the Apple Watch, the watch is connected to the iPad, the iPad's connected to the Wi-Fi, the Wi-Fi's connected to the bluetooth, the bluetooth's connected to the iCloud, the iClouds connected to the dongle! Technology! Doncha just luvvit! .

Thought for Thursday: Yesterday, I started a 28 day no swearing challenge, which I shall restart today.

I always wanted to write a book when I was a lot younger, but I was dreadful at spelling, which is a shame, as I thought I'd make a great Arthur. When I was at skool, I was always rubbish at spelling, butter waz gud at Jograffy.

Over many years, it has been well documented that Old Trafford is an extremely difficult ground for any team to win at. Could this be the reason why Manchester United are struggling this season?

I sold all my Adele CD collection on eBay and the buyer still hasn’t paid for them as yet, despite many reminders. Should I give up, or should I keep on chasing payments?

The ironic audacity of the cash point machine charging £2-50 to take your own money out, whilst also telling you to cover your pin, so you don't get robbed.

This is Austin. Austin doesn’t play into the left versus right paradigm, because Austin knows that both wings are attached to the same bird. Be like Austin and think critically and eschew obfuscation by not being involved with perpetrators of terminological inexactitudes and purveyors of crapulous addlepated blather. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

The Shenanigans at the Oval Orifice....

                                                 

         

Man Utd urgently need Marcus Rashford back at Old Trafford as the club has withdrawn free lunches for staff and sacked all the catering department.

Jeremy Clarkson wrote on social networking platform X (formerly Twitter.) “Don’t worry if your A level grades aren’t any good. I got a C and two U’s and I’m sitting here deciding on which of my Range Rovers to use today.” A scallywag called Derek replied: “I didn’t do A levels. I was expelled from school and turned to a life of crime. I too am deciding on which one of your Range Rovers to use today!” Furthermore, I don't know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak.

Fascinating Fact: I was born a male. I identify as a male. However, according to Tesco’s chocolate profiteroles, I’m a family of four! Mind you, I do have an eating disorder. Two hands and one gob. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

After all the shenanigans at The Whitehouse Oval Office last week, Putin must have been laughing with glee at the support he’s received from megalomaniac Donald Trump and his vice president J.R Dunce! So much so that Putin decided to contact a fortune teller to advise his future. The sooth-sayer gazed intp her crystal ball and announced: “You will die on a Ukranian National Holiday!” Putin asks: “There are lots of holidays in every year. Which holiday?” The medium replied: “Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian National Holiday!” Until then, the horrors continue....

                                                        

Barmy Albert has been shining a laser pointer in his neighbours window when they’ve gone out at night. Their cat has obliterated four sets of venetian blinds while chasing it. They have no idea it's Albert.

I got pulled over on the A57 yesterday and the speed cop asked me: “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I replied: “Was it to see how tall I am?” He sez: “Step out of the car, sir…” See! I knew it! Moreover, if he can’t remember why he stopped me, I’m not gonna refresh his memory am I!

Last week, I received my electricity bill. It looks like that I’ve been charged for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the speed of light, the light of the Holy Spirit and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel! It was obviously an estimated account, so I need to supply a meter reading, in order to clarify these exorbitant charges. I asked the wife (the light of my life) to nip into the garage and tell me what it said on the meter. She came back with a piece of paper on which she had scrawled “Danger! High Voltage! The theme continued when she visited the hairdressers and she asked me what particular cut would make her more attractive. I replied: “A power cut.” That’s when the fight started!

Thought for Thursday: A literalist is someone who takes things literally. A kleptomaniac is someone who literally takes things...

Due to a let-down, I make an appeal through this newspaper. Is there anybody on here interested in a helicopter trip? It will be with me, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora. We’ll be leaving at 10.20am on Friday from Manchester Airport and first fly direct to Blackpool where we will have breakfast. Afterwards, we fly to Dublin to enjoy a lunch and a Guinness or two. Later on in the afternoon we will then fly down to London for an evening fine dining before staying in a 5 star hotel in the centre of the city. Early the next morning we depart London to be back at Manchester around noon. If you are interested, please email me. Preferably someone with a helicopter.

A horse walks into the Pitbull & Stanley Knife pub and orders a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. Dastardly Dennis, the landlord remarks: “You’re in here quite often. Do you reckon you might be an alcoholic?” The nag replies: “I don’t think I am..” and promptly vanishes from existence! This joke is actually about Descartes’ famous philosophy of: “I think; Therefore, I am.” However, if I explain that part before the rest of the joke, then that would be putting Descarte before the horse. Now do you understand?

                                   

  

Remember that the only thing standing in you way between you and your wildest dreams, is your unkempt appearance, lack of talent and your maudlin personality.

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging all the squirrels in order of height. They didn't like me critter sizing…

Remember when we used to wait until 9pm to talk to people on our landline for unlimited minutes? Twenty years later, we all pay for unlimited minutes, and don’t call anyone! 

I am working away for the next two weeks. If you don't do anything else during my enforced absence, be sure to tell  everyone about the hilarious fopdoodle Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. This column will return in the merest hint of time.

                                  

Big Chief Sitting Bull and his wife Lying Cow....

                                                                          

The missus curtly informed me that she thought we'd have less arguments, if I wasn't so pedantic. I told her, "I think you mean fewer." That’s when the fight started!



My dentist told me that if I were to have a false denture fitted, then my speech could well be affected. Anyway, I went ahead and had them anyway. Can't say I'm sorry. I also can’t say Suzie, Suzie, sitting in the shoeshine shop. All day long, she sits and shines. All day long, she shines and sits….



Living with a dog consists of 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth. Moreover, a dog can help you find important things when they're lost, things like your smile, your hope and your courage. Having a K9 Cutikin in your life is one of life's greatest treasures.

                              

Big Chief Sitting Bull and his wife Lying Cow made love on a bed of horse hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his second wife on a bed of buffalo hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his third wife on a bed of hippopotamus hide and she brought into the world FOUR sons! So it just goes to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.



It’s Barmy Alberts first week of working at the bicycle factory and they’ve already made him the spokesperson. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!



When I tried a shoe on and told the shop assistant that it was too tight, she said:

"try it with the tongue out."So I sez: "It'th thtill thtoo tithhe!"



Breaking News: Ruben Amorim has resigned after back-to- back away losses to Lands End United and John O Groats Town. He said in a press statement: “I have taken the team as far as they can go!”

                                                      

One evening, Non-Stick Nora brings her frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a comfy chair at a window overlooking a magnificent flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two efficient and attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up and plump up the cushions behind her. Again, she seems fine, but after a short while she starts to tilt to the other side, yet again. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later Nora and Barmy Albert arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's really lovely." she replies. "Except, they won't let you fart."



For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
                                                

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was in the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama, when Non-Stick Nora declared: “I’ve started my juice cleanse and been for a hike yesterday.” Elsie was gobsmacked and looked at her in disbelief and asked Nora: “What did you really do?” Nora replied: “I drank a bottle of Chardonnay and fell down the stairs….”





The musical director was struggling with Sid, the out of time drummer who just couldn’t get it right. Despite countless conversations and guidance, Sid’s performance never improved. Finally, in front of the entire orchestra, the director said, “When a musician can’t master their instrument and fails to improve despite help, they take the instrument away, hand them two sticks, and make them a drummer.” From the percussion section, a stage whisper followed: “And if that’s still too much, they take away one stick and make him a conductor.”



Technically, a shark swims faster than me, but I reckon that I can probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it all depends on who is the better cyclist. If you require further clarification on this surreal pastiche, then just visit my website. Click on: www.ComedianUK.com and assume a comical position. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Students get first hand job experience....

                                     

BAFTA award winner Conclave is a filum starring Ralph Fiennes as Cardinal Thomas Lawrence, who in a nutshell is the head of a group of Cardinals whose role it is to select the next pontiff to succeed Pope Francis. Apparently, the hot favourite is Archbishop Cardinal Angelo Si Scola of Milan, 83 to be the successor to Pope Francis. So, it's true then! The next pontiff will be known as Pope Si Scola! You couldn't make it up!




On the same subject, who should meander down the red carpet at the New York Hilton Hotel, but the Pope! The man himself, clambered into a yellow taxicab and the driver was thunderstruck. He sez: “Your Holiness. I am you humble servant How can I serve you?” The Pope exclaimed: “I have an international emergency, my son. I need to get to the airport forthwith!” The taxi driver sez: “It’s rush hour, your Holiness and rush hour in New York is horrendous!” The Pope makes the sign of the cross and informs the taxi driver: ”If you can get me to the airport, within the hour, I’ll give you a thousand dollar tip!” The driver opines: “But I have two speeding violations already and if I get a third, I’ll lose my livelihood.” The Pope again made the sign of the cross and replied: “Well, what if I still give you a thousand-dollar tip and you let me drive the cab?” They shake hands on the deal and just as they get two minutes from the airport, a speed cop pulls them over. The cop is overawed when he sees who is in the taxi and gets straight on his radio to headquarters. He speaks with his captain and asks him what he should do if he pulls someone over who is really important. The captain shouts over the radio: “Are they more important than The Mayor of New York City?” The cop answers: “Definitely!” The captain continues: “Is this guy more important than Donald Trump, the President of the United States of America?” The exasperated cop replies: “Captain, this man is so important, the Pope is driving him around!”

                                             

Last week, I asked the wife what she would like for Valentines Day. She sez: “You can get me anything from The Body Shop. I got her a front near-side wing for a Ford Focus. Yes, you’ve guessed, it was the wrong colour! All the mither I go to and I still get no better thought of…



Beware of scams on the internet! For Valentines Day, I ordered the missus an 18-Carat gold necklace, but they sent a set of golf clubs instead! Exercise extreme caution with rogue traders too! I paid a carpenter two thousand quid in advance to make me a King-Size bed and he’s only gone and done a bunk. It’s just one thing on top of another!

                                     

Wallpaper peeling off windows all steamed up. If any of my readers know how to fix condensation, please call round to my house. The kettle is always on.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were ensconced in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub larruping copious tankards of ale , when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives Albert a big snog and informs him that she’ll see him later, then casually saunters off. Nora glares at him and asks him: "Who the flippin’ hell was that?" "Oh," replies Albert: "She's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," declares Nora. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies Barmy Albert "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Scropton Street Precinct, no more summer holidays in Rhyl, no more trips to bingo in Stalybridge, no more swanning around in the Reliant Robin and no more darts, dominoes and meat raffle in the Abbatoir Operatives & Slaughtermans Social Club. But the decision is yours." Just then, Tommy Grabknuckle enters the pub, with a voluptuous blonde babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tommy?" asks Nora. "That's his mistress" sez Albert. "Ours is much prettier!" Nora replied.



"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her purse and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her purse once again, and produced a crumpled fifty-pound note. "Right-Ho!" she said, "Have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works! It just goes to prove that a woman is a person who can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a darkened bedroom, but cannot see the gatepost with the headlamps on main beam!

                                    

It’s always a tad quiet on the showbiz front in January and February, so I sauntered down to the local Job Centre to see if any alternative employment opportunities beckoned. The clerk (She had a face like a murderer’s labourer) curtly informed yours truly that the only vacancies currently available were in data processing. I told her that I was unable to use a computer. She looked at me with much disdain and sez: “In this day and age! You can’t use a computer! Are you some kind of moron?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, “No. It’s a condition of my bail....”



The missus sez: "You should never eat donuts for breakfast!” to me yesterday morning. I told her "My Grandfather lived to be 103 years old." She asked: "Did he eat donuts for breakfast?” I said, "No. He minded his own business." That’s when the fight started!





I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too, but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

                                         

  

"Are you a man or are you a mouse?” The thick plottens....

 

                                                 

Hey guys! Listen up! Don’t forget that this month, we celebrate the three days when all women rightfully acknowledge that the man is always right. That would be the 29th, 30th and 31st of February.

Another important date is tomorrow, namely Valentines Day! Looking for some guidance here: What's the best number of Roses to give the wife for Valentines Day? Is it: six or a dozen, or the whole tin? Last February 14 was a total disaster and she ended up in Tameside A & E. I told the matron that my wife had choked on a Quality Street chocolate. The matron asked me: “The purple one?” I sez: “Yes. That’s her!”

The powers that be at Manchester United have maintained that they will not under any circumstances sell Garnacho to any of their rivals. So that rules out Ipswich, Southampton, Leicester, Wolves, Everton and Spurs.

He's blessed with good fortune that Marcus Rashford. He's moved from 13th to 8th, without even kicking a ball.

Well, Barmy Albert was absolutely flabbergasted! He’d spent forty-eight hours on a trolley in the corridor at hospital A & E after getting covered in camouflage paint and he still hasn’t been seen.

I can't believe people are comparing Putin to Satan. Yes, I wholeheartedly concur that he's evil, but certainly not as evil as Putin...

I just parked my car at the hospital when the carpark attendant shouted over to me, "You can't park there, that's for badge holders only!” "That’s okay " I replied "I've got a bad shoulder."

                                             

Q) What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

A) A chicken sees a salad....




                                     

There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.



I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.



The bloke who cuts keys and repairs shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!



I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez, "No, did it sound Chinese?”

                                                                

Breaking News: Police in Liverpool have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 Kalashnikov semi-automatic rifles, together with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked illegal immigrants, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We’re totally gobsmacked. We never knew we had a Library." No doubt both books it contained had already been coloured in!



Thought for Thursday: A man fleeing war takes his wife and children. A man going to war, leaves them behind.



The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down Scropton Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me: “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy glare she gave me would have knocked a buzzard off a tip!



Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and pooed on my lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him! The missus exclaimed: “You’re no gonna put up with that are you?” I replied: “Well what can I do?” She then asked me: “Are you a man or are you a mouse?” she continued: “You can go and get a shovel and throw it over next doors fence!” So, now I have a lawn full of dog poo and no shovel!”



Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                              

A simple yes or no answer?

 

                                        

The missus sez to me yesterday: “I’m going to ask you a question and I just want a simple yes or no answer.” I sez: “Go on then. Ask away.” She replied: “Why do you tell jokes about blondes?”

Top Tips: The secret to a lasting marriage is tools. Tools ~ Accounts ~ Internet Options ~ Delete History.

Visiting a friend in Tameside Hospital, this bloke turned to me and shouted: “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face”. Then a woman with a face like a pirate’s flag hollered: “Wee, sleekit, cowran, tim'rous beastie.” I asked the matron: “Is this a Psychiatric Ward?” She replied: “No, it’s the Burns Unit!”

I got talking to a woman at my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and she curtly informed me she had just divorced a professional footballer. I sez: “Oh really. Was it messy?”

This random woman sauntered out of Iceland and a packet of frozen fish fell out of her carrier bag and dropped onto the tarmacadam. So, Barmy Albert picked it up and bunged it in his shopping trolley. Non-Stick Nora exclaimed: "That doesn't belong to us, give it back to that lady." "Findus Kippers", Albert replied.

Fascinating Fact: I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish at it. Lance is still in prison.

                   

  

This girl from Stalybridge finds out she's pregnant. She's only sixteen. Even worse, it's twins. After much soul-searching, she has the babies, which turn out to be identical. She then gives them up for adoption. Time passes, and many years later her maternal instincts drive her to find out what happened to them. Following a great deal of investigation of the internet, she discovers that one of them was adopted by a Spanish couple, and was christened Juan. The other was adopted by an Egyptian couple and named Amal. She manages to trace the Spanish couple, and contacts them. They send her a photograph of the boy, who is now a fine young man. Unfortunately, she is unable to discover the whereabouts of the Egyptian couple. As she sits in her mother's house in Mossley, she looks lovingly at the photo of her long-lost son. "Oh, Mother," she says, "I'm so happy to be able to see one of my sons, but how I wish I could also see his brother as he is today." "Don't worry," says her mother, "they're identical. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Barmy Albert ran home from work and pulled Non-Stick Nora into the bedroom, hurled her onto the mattress and then pulled the duvet over them! Nora was astounded, because Albert had not acted like this for many years. Suddenly, Albert shouted: “Look! My new watch! It glows in the dark!”

I had an argument with the waitress in the Scropton Street Cafeteria. I refused to pay the bill. She asked me why, because I’d ordered 42 coffees. I said: “No I didn’t! I ordered 4 tea, two coffees!”

After putting on so much weight after Christmas, the wife caught me holding my stomach in, whilst standing on the bathroom scales. She sez: “That’s not going to have any effect, you moron!” I replied: “It does. It’s the only way that I can see the numbers!” She then announced: “I’m leaving you for 29 different reasons, plus your obsession with tennis.” I replied: “That’s 30 Love!” I told her I’d see her at court. That’s when the fight started!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant and when it came time to settle the account, it turned out that the skunk didn’t possess a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill!
                                             

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was perched at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind. This fella approached her and sez: “Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?” “Yes, I am aware of that” replied Elsie. “But I need my hands to hold onto my hat” “But madam you must know that your derriere is exposed for all to see!” Elsie sighed and looked down, then back up at the bloke and declared: “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!”



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!  

                                                 

Austin Knight Punchlines Column 23/12/25

 www.questmedianetwork.co.uk

Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance...

 

                                                  

Many months ago, I visited the doctor about my hearing and he prescribed some drops and told me to put 2 drops per day in my beer. I’ve been doing this now for ages and still no improvement.

Non-Stick Nora and Elsie Grabknuckle were having a chat in the Scropton Street Laundrette & Washerama. "Elsie, I just don’t know what to do," Nora sez to her friend. "That good-looking Chester Draws from the betting shop has asked me out on a date tomorrow. Do you think I should go?" "Gadzooks!" shrieks Elsie. "He’ll take you to Wetherspoons and then the kebab shop and then use any old excuse to get you up to his council flat. Then he’ll rip your frock off and make love with you all night.” “What should I do?" asks Nora. To which Elsie replied: "Wear an old gansy."

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife when this bald bloke asked me: "Do you know where I can get a toupee?" I replied: "Off the top of my head, No."

Last week, what with Storm Éowyn rapidly approaching, Barmy Albert took Met office, RAC and Health and Safety advice when travelling, he loaded the car with warm clothes, blankets, food, large flask of soup, water, torch, spare batteries, spare phone, large spade, a tow rope, and Wellington boots. He then realised there was no room in the car for Nora and the grandkids, so he has gone away on his own for a few days. Result!

There was a hard frost and minus zero temperatures yesterday morning when I took my quad bike to do some off-road rallying. As I perambulated across the rough terrain, I genuinely thought that I could hear tubular bells. However, it was just my cold field....

Fascinating Fact: I made every endeavor to read the whole of the dictionary in bed last night. I didn't manage to finish it. I got up to P.

                                   

 

Recently in America (where else!) a ‘Husband Mega-Store’ opened. Women could first peruse, and then choose a husband from a multitude of males. It spread across five floors, with men possessing more positive attributes as one ascended. The only rule was, once you entered any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a level, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. Three girlfriends paid a visit to find some husbands. On the first floor, a sign announced, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women observed the sign and pondered, "I wonder what’s further up?" So up they went, to floor two, where the sign read, “These men are highly paid, adore children, and are most handsome”. “Hmmm,” they were impressed, but being typical women, “ Lets go further up!” On the third floor, a sign bearing the legend, "These men are wealthy, good-looking hunks who love kids and DIY". "Wahay!" shouted the women, “Very tantalising.” But there was yet another floor, so onward and upward they journeyed. The fourth elevation displayed a notice declaring, “These men are affluent millionaires, and they worship children, are extremely attractive, do housework and are incurable romantics”. “I don’t believe it,” they exclaimed, “Imagine what will be further on!” On the final floor the sign proclaimed, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are virtually impossible to please. The way out is straight ahead; we hope that you fall down the stairs”.

The missus was quite annoyed and shouted: "Ever since you bought those Walkie-Talkies, you've been acting like a big kid." I replied: Acting like a big what? Over!"

I was reflecting on the fact that I would’ve been five years sober today, if I’d have quit drinking five years ago. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
                                            

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That’s a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, like cars and men." "What’s your name?" she asked. "Beerandmanu.” he replied.

Barmy Albert attended a job interview at Scropton Street Abbatoir. The head slaughterman asked him: "What are your strengths?" Albert replied: "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" asked the head slaughterman. Albert sez: "Yes, when do I start?"

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                                                

Art, Bart & Fargo in the taxicab farrago....

                                  

Trump has returned! Biden was forced to stand down because of early-onset rigor mortis. In order to comprehend the American mindset, last week, while I was in Manchester, I asked a guy from Arkansas to advise me of the primary difference between the USA and the UK. He told me: “You see that building over there. Back in the States, we have buildings over fifty times bigger!” I sez: “I’m not surprised. It’s a lunatic asylum!”

One sunny Saturday morning, Non-Stick Nora was at the bus stop with her six-year old grandkid, Frankie, waiting for their ride up to Scropton Street Precinct. As they waited, Nora leaned down and sez: “When we get on the bus, I’ll buy a ticket for myself. If the driver asks, just tell him you’re five so we don’t have to pay for your ticket, okay?” Frankie dutifully nodded, albeit being a tad perplexed, but eager to please his grandma. When the bus eventually arrived, they climbed aboard, and Nora bought an adult ticket. The driver, a shady-looking character with a face like a careless beekeeper, glanced down at Frankie and announced: “Hello there, young man! What’s your name?” “Frankie!” he answered proudly. “And how old are you, Frankie?” the driver asked. With a big smile, Little Frankie tells him: “I’m five years old!” The driver gave him a saturnine grimace and replied: “Well then, Frankie, when will you be six?” Without hesitation, Frankie chortled and sez: “As soon as I get off this bus!”

Gladys was the wife of the Reverend John Dunn and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. After an exceptionally long-winded sermon one particular Sunday, she approached a bored looking newcomer and introduced herself: “Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn.” To which the gentleman replied: “You're not the only one!”

Sometimes, you can misinterpret what has just been said to you and unintentionally counteract with a wholly inappropriate response. Yesterday, for instance the missus sez to me: “Is it just me, or has the dog got fat over Christmas?” I replied: “No, it's just you.” That’s when the fight started!

                             

Barmy Albert’s car wouldn't start yesterday morning. He peered beneath the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block. The bat sez: "A very good morning to you sir, and might I remark how splendidly handsome you look today?" Albert knew the problem straight away: It was bat flattery!



Art, Bart and Fargo were all totally paralytic drunk in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and so decided to commandeer the services of a hackney carriage to take them all home. As soon as the taxi driver picked them up, he noticed how bladdered they all were, so decided to play a practical joke on them. He duly fired up the engine and let it idle for a few minutes and then switched it off. With a straight face, he told his passengers that they had all arrived at their destination. Art fumbled around for his wallet and bunged the cabbie a tenner. Bart did exactly the same and they both staggered out of the vehicle. Suddenly, Fargo lost the plot and whacked the driver around the cranium with his umbrella. Quite shocked, the driver concluded that they mustn’t have been as intoxicated as he originally surmised. “Hey! What was that for?” he protested, while examining the lump on his head. Fargo slurred: “Next time, watch your speed. You almost got us all killed!”

                                                          

I overheard a mother talking to her kid in Tesco and she asked the child: “What are the two magic words to use to get what you want in life?” The kid thought for a moment and replied: “I’m offended ...”



As I was flicking through the channels on the Sky TV, I encountered a programme that I watched for about five minutes, whereupon, this bloke was listing a lot of great things to do for fun. It was only then that I realised that I was watching one of the religious channels and he was reading a list of sins!



Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...



When I was young, I was poor. However, after many years of extremely hard work, I am no longer young.

                                                        

RIP The King Denis Law. I fondly recollect when he was interviewed a few years ago on Talk Sport and the presenter asked him if the team from his day would beat the present Man Utd squad. He replied: “Yeah, about 1 – 0, I reckon.” The interviewer sez: “Why so close a score?” The Lawman replied; “Well, we’re all in our eighties now....” Farewell dear friend. There’ll never be another. Until we meet again.

                                      

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                    

UK Cabaret Magazine January 2025.

 www.ukcabaret.com

Happy New Year 2025!

 

    

Happy 2025 folks! Everyone’s trying to lose weight! Over the festered season, I have developed flabby thighs, but I am lucky because my stomach covers them. Some friends in my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ have joined a weight-loss organisation. At this week’s meeting, the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. “What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?” “Low in calories” and “lots of fibre” was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, “Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 80p for this bar of chocolate?” They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, “I’ll give you five quid for it!”

If there’s a future scandal involving Elon Musk, it probably would be called Elongate, which means it could go on forever ffs!

Biden is giving a eulogy at Carters funeral today. Is it worth it him going back home? He seems to have early onset rigor mortis.

Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”

Thought for Thursday: Anger and frustration are the only two emotions that allow your gob to accelerate and overtake your brainbox.

                      

Now that the weather has become a tad inclement, I have noticed that everyone up Scropton Street back snicket wears woolly jumpers that are at least one size too small, including me. However, we are a tight knit community!

The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called round last night and told me to expect the worst. So, this morning, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…

My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? http://www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!