That was the week that was!

                           

                                 

Caroline Aherne

Caroline Aherne was a rare talent — beautiful, sharp-witted, and endlessly creative.

With an IQ reportedly measured at 176, she was in the highest bracket of intelligence in the country. But it was her ability to connect with everyday life and people that made her truly special. Her characters were real, funny, and full of heart — and they struck a chord with audiences up and down the nation.

She first got noticed performing stand-up as Sister Mary Immaculate, a cheeky, cigarette-smoking nun. It was bold, clever and brilliantly satirical — and helped her gain attention on the Manchester comedy circuit. She also created other memorable characters like Mitzi Goldberg during this early period.
Caroline made a big impression on The Fast Show, playing a string of characters including the unforgettable weather presenter Poula Fisch, with her catchphrase “Scorchio!” Her comic timing and versatility made her a standout in a cast packed with talent.
But it was The Mrs Merton Show that turned her into a household name. As the sweet but cutting pensioner, she delivered some of British TV’s most iconic lines — including the legendary question to Debbie McGee: “So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?” It was sharp, unexpected, and had the nation in stitches.
Her most enduring legacy, though, is The Royle Family. Co-written with Craig Cash, and starring as Denise Royle, Caroline helped redefine the sitcom format. The show was beautifully observed, funny and moving in equal measure — and remains one of the most beloved comedies in British TV history.
Caroline’s work continues to inspire writers and comedians today. Her name lives on through the BBC’s Caroline Aherne Bursary, which supports emerging comedy talent — a fitting tribute to someone who gave so much to the industry.
Colleagues and friends often described her as “sharp as a tack but daft as a brush” — a true original who brought warmth, truth, and real humanity to everything she did.
Though she passed away in 2016, her humour and legacy are still felt to this day. A one-off. A genius. And deeply missed.

A preposterous posting!

                                   

The missus phoned me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her: "How did you know it was on its way to work?" That was two days ago and she's not talking to me!

Fascinating Fact: Pre- means before, and post means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

A Polish man goes to the optometrist for an eye test. The optician shows him a test card that says: CZWJXNYSACZ and asks: “Can you read that?” He replies: “Read it? He's my uncle!”

After 35 years of marriage, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went to consult a marriage guidance counsellor. When asked what the problem was, Nora launched into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on she ranted: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this to continue for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and, after asking Nora to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, with Albert watching - and raising an eyebrow. Nora then shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Albert and sez: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."


There are only two workers in the afternoon at Scropton Street Abattoir and they’re both chatting. Elsie Grabknuckle announces: “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.” Her work colleague, Willy Eckerslyke starts chortling and sez: “Never - you know he’s a frosty-faced old toad! How on earth would you do that?” Elsie grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks: “What on earth are you doing?” Elsie replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss sez: , “You’ve been working too hard, you’ve gone doo-lally. Go home, get some rest, and take the day off.” Willy Eckerslyke grabs his coat to follow her and the boss shouts: “Where do you think you’re going?” Willy replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark!”

                         

I was watching an Australian Master Chef episode, and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised - Australians normally boo meringue. Of course, in Scotland, you could go into a cakeshop and ask: “That cake in the window, is it an éclair or a meringue?” and the shop assistant would answer: “No. Your right. It’s an eclair.” I couldn’t drive to the cakeshop because the sign outside said: ‘No Parkin’. This bloke complained. He sez: “Why is that cake 50p, whereas the one next to it costs £1?” The assistant informed him: “Because that’s Madeira cake.”

I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They don’t make men of that calibre anymore. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and sez: “Plethora.” His wife told me, “Thank you. That means a lot.” Then, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, got up and uttered the word ‘Waterhole’. Tommy’s missus replied: “I know Hugh meant well.”

There was a spotty, precocious youth sitting on the back pew in the church at the funeral. He was talking loudly into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no flamin’ WiFi in this church.” When the priest approached him and proclaimed, "You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"



If you ever need me, I’m always just five missed calls and six unanswered text messages away. Or you can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                 

 

It's all about perspective....

                                      

I told my 28-year-old daughter Suzie that when I was her age, I used to get ten CDs in the mail for a penny. Unfortunately, she didn’t know what a CD was, what a penny was, what the mail was, or all of the above! We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school…



If I ever win the EuroMillions lottery, I pledge that nobody around me will be struggling financially, and I mean that sincerely. This is because I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.



54-year-old Chester Draws was set up on a blind date. His mate Dave sez: "She's a lovely lass, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby." Chester felt a total idiot walking into the pub wearing a just a nappy....

                                                                 

Question of the week: Of all the utensils invented to eat rice, how did two sticks win?



Ladies. Listen Up! Do you hate doing all the ironing? Here’s a top tip. If you write every letter of the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board, you will encourage ghosts to do all your ironing for you, while you’re out at bingo!



Barmy Albert took Non-Stick Nora to a packed restaurant - no seats were available, and to make matters worse, there was an hour waiting time. Quick as a flash, Nora pulled out her phone, held it to her ear, and shouted loudly: “Hey, get over here rapid! She’s here with someone else!” Six couples got up and left!
                                                

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night, they dropped me twice while carrying me to the taxi.

I’ve visited many places in my life and time, but I’ve never been to Cahoots. You cannot go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone else. Moreover, I’ve never been in Cognito either. I’ve been reliably informed that nobody recognises you in Cognito. I have, however, been in Sane. There is no airport and you must be driven there. I have made many trips….



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle and her husband Tommy return to the Mercedes dealership and discover that the same salesman had just sold the car that they were interested in to a young, voluptuous and leggy blonde woman. Tommy opined to the salesman that he was under the impression that he would hold the vehicle until they sorted out the £35k asking price, “Yet I just heard that you closed the deal for £30k to that lovely young lady over there, even though you insisted that there could be no discount whatsoever on this model.” Slightly embarrassed, the salesman told Tommy: “I’m very sorry, but the lady had the ready cash, and just look at her. How could I resist?” Just then, the gorgeous blonde approached the old folks and handed them the keys. She then sez: “There you go. I told you that I could get this Bozo to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa!” The moral of this story? Never mess with the elderly. They’re constantly ahead of the game!



I didn’t think I was chubby until the woman at McDonald's sez to me: “I’m sorry about your weight.”

                                         

The difference between men and women: When Non-Stick Nora stays out all night, she tells Barmy Albert that she slept over at her girlfriends house. Albert phones Nora’s five best pals, and none of them know anything about it. However, when Albert doesn’t come home one night, Nora phones Albert’s ten best mates and eight of them confirm that he has slept over, and two claim that he’s still there!



The next time you perpetuate a profound dislike for your present circumstances, remember that it’s all about perspective. I have a mate who reads about two or three books every day, has no financial worries whatsoever, he works out twice every day, and has folk around him who have a strong desire to jump into bed with him all the time. All this, and he constantly complains about how much he hates prison. Don’t be incarcerated within four walls. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and alleviate the monotony by having a chortle. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


 
                                                          

To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian...

                                           

Royal Mail has withdrawn the new Kier Starmer stamp because it wasn’t sticking to envelopes. After much investigation, it was discovered that folk are spitting on the wrong side!

Chancellor Rachel Reeves' impromptu tear-fest at PMQ’s in The Commons last week could have been avoided if only she hadn’t written her proposed £5bn welfare cuts on an onion.

                                           

 

I reckon that people who take ketamine should get off their high horse. To the naysayers, I say: To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian. You need to be in a stable relationship.

I’m absolutely flabbergasted! My local barber just got arrested for drug dealing. I've been a customer for years, and I can honestly say that I had no Idea he was a barber.

During a visit to his doctor, Barmy Albert asked the learned physician: "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be incarcerated in an old folks’ home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," sez Albert. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he replied. "A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

                                                 

Top 10 Signs You’ve hired the wrong geezer to mow Your lawn.

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Tesco carrier bag.

9. On the side of his mower, you notice the stencilled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

8. Stops frequently to take a nap inside the potting shed.

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

5. He’s fascinated by the details of your home security system.

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

3. Somehow manages to mow the bonnet ornament off your Mercedes.

2. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.

1. No toes.

                                 

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had played golf every single day since her retirement 25 years ago. But one evening, she returned home looking unusually downcast. "That’s it," she told her husband, Tommy. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it lands." Tommy, who was a remarkable 93 years old, made her a comforting cup of tea and opined: "Why don’t you take me along and give it one more try?" Elsie sighed. "That’s no good," she replied. "You’re 93! What help could you possibly be?" Tommy straightened up proudly and said, "I may be 93, but my eyesight is perfect!" The next day, Elsie very reluctantly took Tommy to the golf course. She teed up, took a powerful swing, and squinted down the fairway. Turning to Tommy, she asked, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" Tommy replied confidently. "I told you, my eyesight is perfect." "Great!" said Elsie, feeling a surge of hope. "So, where did it go?" Tommy paused for a moment, then scratched his head."...I can’t remember."



Pretend that you’re Marty McFly time traveling to the Oasis gig in your Delorean by hurling your monthly wage packet down a sewer, while trying to listen to The Beatles with your ear to a wine glass that’s held against a fortress wall.



Parting is such sweet sorrow. I will be working abroad for a short spell. However, this column will return very soon. Crank up the BBQ and before you know it, we’ll be back to hilarity in Chortleville! Visit my Jokey-Bloggington on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!

                                   

The Feministic Picnickerty Farrago...

                                            

Jeff Bezos told wedding guests not to bring a gift, with people asking, “What do you give the man who has everything?” A tax bill would be a good start. He left his first wife. Presumably, with a neighbour. Or did he put her in the brown bin?



I’ve decided to pack everything in and travel the world until I run out of money. After a rough calculation, I’ll be back home at around 7 pm tonight.



Rod Stewart has complained that he’s got the Glastonbury ‘tea time slot’, mainly because it interferes with his afternoon nap.



What with all the frowning upon using fossil fuels that could potentially harm the environment, I’ve just heard that a major oil conglomerate is going to start producing fuel manufactured from insect urine. I’m not absolutely certain which company, but I reckon it’s BP.



TOP TIP: Spice up your panic attacks with a harmonica.



After yet another embarrassing U-Turn, Keir Starmer is working tirelessly to find another benefits policy that the House of Commons can all hate.



How to ascertain the gender of an ant. Drop the ant in water. If it sinks: Girl ant. If it floats…..

                                     

The local vicar of Scropton Street Evangelical Church attended the dentist for a set of new gnashers. On the first Sunday after receiving his new Hampsteads, his gums hurt so bad that he gave a sermon lasting only four minutes. On the second Sunday, there was little improvement with the pain, so his sermon lasted a mere nine minutes. However, on the third Sunday, his sermon went on for a staggering two and a half hours and he had to be helped out of the pulpit by the parishioners, because he was thoroughly exhausted! Apparently, he got up late and was rushing around so much that he accidentally put his wife’s teeth in by mistake, and he couldn’t stop talking!



I was sitting on the 237 bus, and a mother and her young son were in the seat in front of me. The boy was quite annoying and kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I was tired of his antics and told him: “ When I was your age, my mum told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, then I would stay that way!” The little tyke replied: “Well, you can’t say that you weren’t warned!” Then the boy's mother chipped in and asked the child: “Peter, am I a bad mother?” The son looked at her and sez: “My name is Paul!”



Non-Stick Nora was at Weight Watchers, lamenting the fact that she’d put on yet another stone. She told the group: “I made Barmy Albert’s favourite apple and almond cake over the weekend and we scoffed half of it after dinner. The next day, I was transfixed by the other half, until I finally gave in and cut myself a mere thin slice, then I got the taste and polished off the rest of it until it was all gone! I was dismayed at my behaviour, I possess the breaking strain of a Kit-Kat and I knew that Albert would be bitterly disappointed in me.” The group leader asked gently: “What did Albert say when he found out?” With all the dignity that she could muster, Nora replied: “Oh, he never found out because I made another cake and ate half of that before he got home from work!”



Fifty-two-year-old Chester Draws was so paranoid about his missus having an affair that he relocated to a new town over 300 miles away. He couldn’t believe his good fortune when he discovered that they’d managed to keep the same gardener! 

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don’t realise this until after I’ve actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Non-Stick Nora discovers spiritual awareness....

                                                           

         

An electrician comes home at 2 am, his wife asks him: "wire you insulate?" He sez: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

I got home last night and the missus was standing there waiting for me in her new slinky outfit. She looked great coming down the stairs! She then informed that she was going back upstairs to put on a little black lace number. I followed her up, and she was playing "Agadoo" on her iPod.



There's a nudist convention on in Stalybridge tomorrow. I might go if I've got nothing on...

Barmy Albert applies for a cleaning position at a local IT company. He goes through the interviews, passes the basic screening, and finally HR tells him: “Congratulations, you’re hired. Just drop us your email, and we’ll send over your work schedule.” Albert hesitates: “Well… I actually don’t have a computer. And no email, either.” The Personnel Clerk pauses and replies: “I’m sorry, but we can’t bring you on board. If you don’t have an email, you basically don’t exist in our system. All employee communication is digital—email is essential for team coordination and updates.” With no other option, Barmy Albert leaves. Walking down the street, he starts thinking about how to make enough money to buy a computer. He’s got eight quid in his pocket. He uses it to buy ten pounds of apples from a farmer, then heads to a busy street corner to sell them as “fresh organic snacks.” Within a few hours, he doubles his money. By the end of the day, he’s turned that £8 into £100!  Albert keeps at it. Days turn into weeks, and before long, he buys a used van. Then, a small fruit stall on Scropton Street Market. After that, a High street shop. Five months later, he owns a chain of market stalls and greengrocers' outlets across the city. One day, he visits an insurance company to protect his growing business. The agent wraps up the paperwork and says, “Great! Just give me your email so we can send you special offers and updates.” Albert chuckles, “I still don’t have one.” The clerk looks shocked. “You’re telling me you built this entire business empire with no email or computer?! Just imagine where you’d be if you had one!” Albert smiles and says, “I’d probably be mopping your office floors!” Moral of the story? It’s not the tools that define your success. It’s what you do with what you have.
                                                          

Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.



Yesterday, one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath....



Non-Stick Nora decides to take her grandson to the beach. The child’s mother is worried that Nora will not be attentive to the child…” Please,” Nora begs, “I’ve even bought him a sailor suit with a little hat!” Finally, the mother relents. At the beach, a huge wave rolls in from the horizon, crashes onto the beach, and pulls the small boy out to sea without a trace. Nora is in shock. She falls to her knees, looking to the sky. She begs, “God, please return my grandson. I’ll never ask for anything ever again!” On the horizon, a second huge wave rolls towards the beach, crashes at Nora’s feet, and deposits the child soaking wet but unharmed. Again, looking to the sky, Nora shouts: “He had a hat!”



Just a little heads up for you all. If perchance, you are in a Tesco supermarket, and you mistakenly ask a member of the public: “Where do you keep your orange cordial?” When they curtly inform you, “Actually, I don’t work here.” Do not try to cover for yourself by saying: “ I know that, I meant you personally at home, do you keep it in a cupboard or the fridge?” It just makes you look like an oddball.



Q: Why do Swedish warships have barcodes? A: So they can Scandinavian.



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was bell-ringing in the local church, and Sid Slopbouquet told her that he was refusing to touch his rope unless it was soaked in whisky. Elsie told him: “Pull the other one, it’s got Bells on it!”

                                            

The Deceased Aspidistra....

                                     

My back legs have gone! I have contracted the most appalling malady. I give it the moniker of A-A-A-A-A Syndrome. It stands for Age Animated Attention Arrears Ataxia.



It manifests itself thus: The missus instructs me to paint the kitchenette walls. As I lurch towards the front porch, I notice that there is a brown envelope from DVLA just delivered by the Royal Mail. I open the envelope and go through the other mail before I start painting. The ladders are in the shed. I lay the shed keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the waste bin underneath and notice it is overflowing. So, I decide to take out the rubbish first, but the WiFi is down, so I need to sort that out too.



I phoned BT Outreach Technical Services and told them there’s no WiFi and I was having difficulties with my computer. The techno dude sez: “Right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties”. I replied: “Hang on, slow down, I can't keep up with all that!” He asked: “What have you done up to now?” I replied, “I've written click...”



However, I think, since I’m going to be near the shed when I take out the waste, I may as well get the ladders out, in readiness. I snaffle the shed keys off the table and notice that they are actually my car keys. The notice from the DVLA reminds me that it needs taxing. Moreover, the shed key is on a hook in the utility room, so I go upstairs to my study and on my desk, I find an unopened bottle of ale that I was going to drink last night. I’m logging on to the DVLA website to tax the car. But first, I need to push the beer bottle aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to maintain the temperature, because warm lager is undrinkable.


                 


                           

As I totter towards the scullery with the Carlsberg, a wilting potted plant on the dining room table attracts my attention – it needs to be watered. I plonk the bottle down on the kitchenette worktop and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I reckon that I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the arid aspidistra. I set the spectacles back down on the worktop and endeavour to fill a jug with water, when I spot the TV remote control nestling by the bread crock.





I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first, I’ll water the plant. I splash some water on the aspidistra, but most of it spills on the mahogany table. So, I put the TV remote back down, got some paper towels, and wiped up the spillage. Then I head off down the front path, trying to remember exactly what I was planning to do.



                                    

At the end of the day, the car isn’t taxed, there’s still no WiFi, the kitchen remains undecorated, there is a warm bottle of pilsner languishing on the dining table, the aspidistra is well deceased, I can’t find the TV remote, my reading specs are on the missing list. I cannot recollect what I've done with the car keys. I try to figure out why nothing has been done today. It’s been hectic all day long, and I’m really knackered. I realise this is a serious problem, but I must remember to put the wheelie bin out tonight, because it’s Wednesday… or is it Thursday today?



Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don't realise this until after I've actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Pretend it's 1973....

                                               

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “That pub over the road has a sign up saying: ‘No mobile phones. Pretend it’s 1973’. Albert replied: “Well, you’ll never guess what I did.” Nora asked him: What did you do then?” Albert sez: “I walked up to the bar and gave him 17p for a pint and lit a cigarette.”

In days of yore, soldiers used a wooden horse to infiltrate their enemy's territory. However, in modern times, it's been simplified to an inflatable dinghy and good weather!

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The meeting suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a bloke at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

To the scurrilous individual who dumped a mattress in my front garden yesterday, I don't know how you sleep at night.

                                                                     

 

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were shopping in Tesco. Albert picks up a case of Stella Artois and puts it in their shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks Nora. "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them." Demands Nora, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, Nora picks up a £30 jar of anti-wrinkle face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Albert. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies Nora. Barmy Albert retorts: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price." On the PA system: 'Clean-up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'

Thursday Thought: You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do. Don’t ask meow!

I got a loaf and some milk from Aldi. They were an impulse buy because I only went in for an angle grinder and a two-man tent.

This bloke walks up Scropton Streett and flags down a passing taxi. "Perfect timing," he tells the driver. "You're just like Tommy," "Who?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with Tiger Woods. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy," says the driver. "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He was a connoisseur of wine and a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a guy!" “He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. Nobody could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his widow."

My Sat-Nav has stopped speaking to me. It’s sent me to Coventry. They’ve brought a new Sat-Nav out now for octogenarians. When you get to where you’re going, it tells you what you went for! You can download different voices, too. I downloaded Bonny Tyler. Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart.

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly, you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                           

RIP Johnnie Finn.

 

We both went to school together and attended Nicholls Ardwick High School. I was in the first year, whereas John was in his final year.

                                           

Back in June 1973, I did my first ever gig at the Locomotive Pub in Ardwick.  John wrote all my material. I did impressions then.  We went on to do Sunday lunchtime Concert Secretaries auditions and began getting quite a bit of work in.  Later on we managed to get in to see Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson and wrote a few scripts for them as well. John also penned The Lord's Prayer for Maxton G Beesley's Harold Wilson impersonation (The PM at the time) who had just won Opportunity Knocks and was about to appear on the London Palladium with our material.

                               

He was quite a character, and we travelled all over the UK together, doing gigs in working men's clubs and other assorted venues.  They were plentiful at this time and Manchester had literally dozens of cabaret clubs and pubs that hosted a full week's entertainment.  This featured a headline top-of-the bill and a couple of supporting acts, plus a full orchestra! They were indeed halycon days. 

                                       

Farewell Johnnie, life will be infinitely poorer for your passing. It was an honour and a privilege to know you. There'll never be another.  Until we meet again, dear friend. Rest in Peace.

                                  

Cynthia Slopbouquet & The Prada Futshooz...

                             

Cynthia Slopbouquet was at The Trafford Centre on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect Prada shoes in the first shop and a beautiful Yves Saint Laurent dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything she spotted was reduced by fifty percent. Then her iPhone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. Cynthia asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up, she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the designer boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more fashion emporiums on the way to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of frothy latte and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then, she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round-the-clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!” Cynthia was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt that she broke down and began sobbing. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what shoes you bought.”Whilst appearing at a local gig recently, a fella came up to me after the show and offered me five thousand quid to speak at a black-tie charity dinner in London for the Brittle Bone Society. Well, I snapped his hand off!

What is it with trainspotters these days? I counted 26 of them this morning. After that, I spotted an albino dalmatian in the park. I thought it was the least I could do! When I got back home, I found out I've failed my online German exam. Sacre bleu!

                                               

 

Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants. Is a wife who told him which pants to wear. My wife’s intuition is so highly developed that she knows I’m wrong before I’ve even opened my mouth!

Barmy Albert was on holiday with Non-Stick Nora and he sez to her: "I bet you'd like to see where Dick Turpin lived?" Nora replied: "Sure would". Albert sez: "No, that's Robin Hood".

Why do we say: “I slept like a baby.” When babies wake up every two hours crying and wailing, need nappies changing and want feeding. I want to sleep like a cat: fourteen hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets. Don’t ask meow!

I tried out one of those apps that show you what you would look like as an old person. It’s called camera! Doncha just love technology! I asked Alexa to check my bank balance and to advise me which Apple product I could afford. Alexa told me: “Apple juice!”

Fascinating Fact: When Lord Nelson passed away, he was five feet tall. However, his statue in Trafalgar Square in London is fifteen feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1

                       

 



If you ever need me then I’m always just four missed calls, five text messages and a couple of Whatsapp away. Furthermore, you can visit my website. Just click on: www.comedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                      
                     

The Starmer & Miliband Plan...

                         

Kier Starmer shouted Ed Milband into his office one day and sez: "Ed, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England."
"Great idea, Kier. Now how will we go about it?’ asked Miliband
"Well" sez Starmer: "We’ll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, in Compton Dundon or another village and we’ll show them we really enjoy the Countryside and everything."
"Right, Oh" replied Miliband. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and
found a lovely country pub (The Dog & Dildo) and with the dog, went in and sauntered up to the bar. "‘Good evening, Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the
wood?" asked Starmer. "Good evening, Prime Minister’ said the landlord, "Two pints of Farquarharson's Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer it is, coming up".
Starmer and Miliband stood leaning on the bar, quaffing their ale and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the public bar opened and in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the next half hour, several other locals came in,
lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking perplexed.
Eventually, Starmer and Miliband could stand it no longer and called the landlord over. "Tell me," says Starmer ""Why did all those old shepherds and other punters come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it a local custom?’
"Good Lord No.!"’ answered the barkeep, "It’s just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes."

www.comedianuk.com

When Keir Starmer visited The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub....

                                                           

Kier Starmer has announced that Winter Heating Allowance will be restored, providing pensioners over 80 are still living with both parents in order to receive any additional support.

Non-Stick Nora appeared on BBC’s The Travelling Auctioneers with an ancient clock that she claimed had been in her family for over 500 years. Christina Trevanion asked her: “Nora, this clock has been in your family for an eternity. It’s the most important and sentimental heirloom you possess. Why have you never tried to get it repaired and in working order, until now?” Nora sez: “I couldn’t be bothered until I saw this programme. Barmy Abert told me that if I pretend to get upset, then you’ll fix it and then flog it for me, all for free!”



Before heading to war, the king locked his beautiful wife in her room and handed the key to his trusted friend, Wally . "Wally, If I don't return in four days, unlock the door and she'll be yours," the king declared. The king rode off heroically, but just 30 minutes later, he heard frantic hoofbeats behind him. He turned to see his mate Wally riding like the wind. The king stopped. "What happened?" Catching his breath, Wally exclaimed, "You gave me the wrong key!"



Every Sunday morning, I always go out and perform two hours of bell ringing. All my friends take the Mickey out of me for having such an unusual pastime, but I find it most therapeutic. It seems to annoy the bus driver quite a bit though. I got chucked off the 237 last Sunday!



I shouldn't be here right now, I should be back at college studying 'Electron Quantum Physics'.
Still, you can't be in two places at once, can you?

                              

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had made Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. Her husband Tommy asked he how she knew that it was a Himalayan rabbit. Elsie informed him: I found him a-layin n in the road....



Young Willy Eckerslyke was wearing a Man United shirt yesterday. So far, he’s been spat at, slapped around the fizzog and called a brainless moron. God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.


Barmy Albert visited the doctor and sez: “Doctor, you gotta check my leg. Summat is terribly wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his stethoscope to Albert's thigh only to hear, "Gimme a fiver. I really need a latch-lifter to get me into Wetherspoons." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc, just listen to my knee." The doctor placed his stethoscope against Albert's patella and could clearly hear it say: "I’m absolutely skint, borrow us a tenner mate, until I get me Giro." "Albert, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never witnessed anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your stethoscope up to my ankle." Albert urged him. The physician did as Albert asked and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need two quid. Gizzus two quid!" "I have no idea what to tell you." the doctor opined "There's nothing about it in my medical books," he said as he frantically searched all his reference manuals. However, I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places." Albert asked: “Well, what can I do to fix the problem?” The doctor replied: “If I were you, I’d keep well away from those places….”
                                  

Keir Starmer goes along to The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub in a bid to try and integrate with the hoi polloi. While he’s there, he gets talking to the captain of the darts team, who invites him over for a game, and although he’s never played darts before and doesn’t know the rules, he decides to give it a go, because it would be a good photo opportunity and might help bolster his flagging popularity. They then walk over to the board where he’s introduced to the rest of the team, and after a quick discussion between the players, the captain says to Keir: “Seeing as it’s your first time, we’ve decided to let you be the goalkeeper.”

I’m a free spirit. I do free spirit gubbins. So please don’t look at me in a confused manner, just gaze at me in wonderment and then you too will draw massive inspiration from my profound eccentricity and emulate my loopiness in your everyday routine. Visit my website: www.comedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now, get back to work!   

                        

The Laughing Tesla....

                            

Yesterday, I spotted a pair of teenagers snogging in the park. It reminded me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers snogging in the park…

This little kid was throwing a tantrum in Tesco because his mum wouldn’t buy him a bar of chocolate. So, I bought one and ate it in front of him…

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they’ve won the game, well that’s not allowed in bowls. Moreover, if you have an umpire in cricket and a referee in football, then what do you have in bowls? I asked Elsie Grabknuckle and she sez: “Goldfish!”

I sez to the missus: "Where did you get that bass guitar?" She replied: "Next door." I sez: "But you can't play the bass guitar." She thought for a moment and told me: "I know, but neither can he."

Just when you’re on a strict diet and trying to resist temptation and you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone. Then BOOM! Onion rings...

Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert: I wish that I was a newspaper, so I would be in your hands all day.”

Albert replied: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day!” That’s when the fight started!

                                      

When I returned home from a gig last week, the wife was whispering softly in the house. I asked her if she had laryngitis or a sore throat. She sez: “Zuckerberg is listening in to all our private conversations and stealing data for their files!” I couldn’t stop laughing at this absurd notion. Then Alexa laughed and Siri laughed and a Tesla that was driving past laughed!





With frightening similarities to the iconic horror filum The Omen, Non-Stick Nora took her grandson Damien to the Scropton Street Cafeteria and Eaterie, and asked the precocious seven-year old what he would like for his breakfast. The kid replied with a loud and commanding voice: “I wish to devour the unborn!” There followed a stunning silence, as everyone in the café turned and stared at them. An embarrassed Nora quickly told the waitress: “Eggs. He’d like some eggs!”

                                    

I sauntered into Costa Coffee in Edinburgh last week and asked the barista for a latte with oat milk. In a thick Scottish accent, the poor lad managed to say (With a straight face.); “Sir, I’m sorry, but I cannae make a latte withoot milk!” As I was gazing at the pastry and sweet selection, I asked him: “Is that an éclair or a meringue?” He replied: “No. You’re right, it’s an éclair!”



The bloke who stole my diary sadly passed away yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. I’d also like to tell the scurrilous individual who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…..

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with Lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Fascinating Facts; English is the only language where you drive in parkways and park in driveways. It's also the only language where you recite in a play and play in a recital. Furthermore, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


              

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Laundrette and Washerama....

 

                                     

Ladies. Listen Up! Always remember that having a husband is a precious asset, primarily because you will always have someone close to confide in and share all your secrets and gossip with and he will never betray your confidence and tell anybody, because he wasn’t listening in the first place!



My missus can’t remember the password for Facebook that she created just yesterday, but she can remember exactly what I said on February the 12th 2009! She had a go at me last week and sez: “I was talking to you and you yawned seven times!” I admitted: “Those were not yawns. Those were seven unsuccessful attempts to try and get a word in!



Fascinating Fact: Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life whereas
laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.



A woman was having an affair and in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s car pulling up on the driveway. “Quick!” she shouted. “Stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him completely with talcum powder. “Don't move until I tell you.” “Pretend that you're a statue, keep perfectly still.” ” 'What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it's a statue.” she replied: ”The Jenkins next door bought one and I liked it so much, I got one for us, too” Not another word was uttered, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am, the husband got up, went down to the kitchenette and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here, have this.” he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue. Then he said to the statue: “I stood like that for two days at the Jenkins house and nobody offered me anything!”



Further Fascinating Fact: Did you know that ‘Dammit I’m Mad’ spelled backwards is: ‘Dammit I’m Mad’. Moreover, If you spell the words ‘absolutely nothing’ backwards, you get ‘Gnihton yletulosba’, which ironically means absolutely nothing.

                                        

Can the government kindly repair the potholes that I was already taxed to fix, because they are causing damage to the car that I pay annual road tax on. The same car that I purchased with the income that I earn that is already taxed. The same car that sits on the driveway of my house that is now subject to paying double the council tax that I had to cough up last year.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. It's great to see so many new faces today....

Back in 1997, when my daughter Suzie was born, another dad at the Maternity Ward congratulated me and sez: “My son was born yesterday. Maybe they'll marry each other!” Yeah right! Like my daughter is going to marry someone twice her age...

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Laundrette and Washerama, Elsie Grabknuckle sez: “I have a conundrum for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Non-Stick Nora pondered for a minute and replied: “I reckon maybe three.” Elsie corrected Nora and told her: “No. You could only eat one, because after that, your stomach would no longer be empty.” Nora agreed and sez: “Very clever. I never thought of that.” That night, she asked Barmy Albert: “Hey, I got a riddle for you. How many pickled onions could you eat on an empty stomach?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “Hmmm. I could probably scoff five.” Nora opined: Oh fiddlesticks! If you’d have said three, I had a really funny answer!”

I hate it when you visit someone’s house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door. What really annoys me is that they never ever have a bouncy castle!

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!