Another one of life's mysteries...

                                                      

Last night, I yanked out a couple of nose hairs, merely to ascertain if it would actually hurt. Judging by how fast the missus woke up screaming, I’m guessing the answer is YES!

I have good problem-solving skills, but my problem-creating skills are really where I excel.

How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your CV: "I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and no safety incidents."

Q) How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) None. They use gaslighting.



Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”

I hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

They reckon that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. I can partially agree with this statement, but WHICH people? Because it does matter immensely. What if they’re people like Kier Starmer? We’re all DOOMED!

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "This could be you one day!" So, I put the ten quid note back in my pocket just in case his prediction comes true!

                                 

Barmy Albert was standing at the base of a flagpole, looking skywards and perplexed, when Non-Stick Nora appeared and asked him what was troubling him. Albert told her that he was tasked with finding the exact height of the flagpole, but he didn’t have a suitable ladder. Nora took a spanner from her handbag, then loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked off. Albert shook his head and chortled: "Isn’t that a typical woman! I ask for the height and she gives me the length!"

                                              

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion spots him and thinks, “Hmm… never seen this creature before, but he looks edible.” The lion charges toward him. The dog panics, then notices some bones nearby. Thinking quickly, he shouts, “Wow, that was some good lion meat!” The lion freezes. “Whoa! This guy’s tougher than he looks. Better get out of here while I can.” Up in the tree, a monkey saw the whole thing and realized he could use it to his advantage. He told the lion the truth, hoping for a reward. The furious lion roared, “Get on my back, monkey! We’ll show this dog who’s boss.” As they approached, the dog saw them coming and shouted: “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion over an hour ago!”
                     


Another one of life's mysteries is why there is always a shop at the airport selling luggage. What kind of person is going on holiday, carrying armfuls of clothes and shouting: “I’ll pack when I get there!”



My grandad told me that he saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that the ship would sink; however, nobody listened to him. He was a brave man. He did not throw the towel in, he warned them on copious occasions, but to no avail. He was thoroughly downcast when they chucked him out of the cinema.

                       

  

A Roman centurion walks into a bar....

                                                        

One evening, Barmy Albert was out in the garage tinkering with his tools, happily welding a flange just for fun. Non-stick Nora appeared and leaned against his workbench, silently observing his every move. After a long pause, she sez: “Honey, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you stop spending so much time out here. You could sell the welding kit, your silly fishing rods, the golf clubs you hardly ever use, and honestly, that ancient old Harley could go too.” Albert froze, staring at her like she’d just been bobbing for apples in a chip pan. “What’s wrong, Albert?” she asked demurely. “Just then,” Albert opined, “You sounded exactly like my ex-wife.” Nora’s eyes widened. “EX-WIFE?! You never told me that you’d been married before!” Albert shrugged and said, “I haven’t.”

                                     


Pretend you’re in Coronation Street by having a clandestine affair with your husband’s brother, then get a cream cake from Roy’s Rolls after being arrested by Weatherfield Police on trumped-up charges of harassment, finally getting released from custody and being shot with an illegal firearm on the Red Rec, getting knocked over outside The Rovers Return, by Steve McDonald in his taxi. Tracy Barlow blackmails you for £10K. Then, shout: “Tara me ducks!” every twenty minutes. Come back, Jack and Vera. All is forgiven!



                                                       

 


A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barman, confused, enquires: "Perhaps you meant to say martini?" The centurion replies, "If I wanted two drinks, I would have said so”.



Fascinating Fact: Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.



Olympic hammer throwers and shot putters. After retiring from athletics, put your skills to good use by becoming a baggage handler at Manchester Airport.

                                                      

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear? A: Open toad.



I remember years ago, telling my Mum I'd won the "Leslie Nielsen" Award at school. "What that?" she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that's not important right now".



I always regret never learning another language at school. My poor knowledge of Greek has always been my Achilles Elbow.



A bloke phoned my agency and asked me: “How much to hire a church singing group?” I replied: “You mean a Choir?” He sez: “Right! How much to acquire a church singing group?”



I signed up for one of those Zoom Workout Classes; however, it was far too advanced for me. When the instructor said, “Do a plank, then bring your knee to the opposite elbow.” I did my own modified version. I switched off the computer and went and made myself two bacon and egg butties in the kitchenette. I plan to ketchup later.
                                                          

The missus left me a note on the fridge. It read: “It’s not working, so I’ve gone to my mothers.” I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella and it was perfectly chilled! Moreover, it was printed on the side of the can: “Best drunk in August 2025.” I’d like to thank the beer company for this most prestigious award.



Meanwhile, in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, Sharon, the blonde barmaid, asked young Willy Eckerslyke if he had any children. Young Willy replied: “Yes. I have one that’s just under two.” Sharon was most offended. She sez: “I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!”

                                       


Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires what was the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”



I just hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                           

The Toxic Algorithm Tour...

 

                 Featuring: Dom Collins - Austin Knight - Dusty Young.

                              Coming to a venue near you, whether you like it or not! 

Having a crossword with the missus..

                              

When I was a teenager, I could bleach my Wrangler jeans in the bath, develop film in a darkroom after I'd taken photos with an Instamatic camera, programme a VHS video recorder, repair audio cassette tapes with a pencil, get 78rpm vinyl LP's to stop skipping with a penny. Nowadays, I’m like: “I don’t get how to use this contactless tapping a credit card gubbins….


The missus sez: "You're so lazy! What have you got planned for the August Bank Holiday?" I replied, "I think I'll take the Christmas tree and the decorations down..." That’s when the fight started!

What is the difference between the missus and a crossword? You can normally work out where you went wrong with a crossword....

Willy Eckerslyke met a gorgeous woman in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife Pub and took her back to her council flat up Scropton Street back snicket. He was just about to disrobe and get more intimate when he hesitated. "What's wrong?" she asked. "We are on the first floor, aren't we?" "Yes. Why?" "I'm sure I've just seen someone walk past the window." "Well, it can't be my husband," she replied, "He's out playing basketball tonight."

Non-Stick Nora’s boss said something to her the other day, which made it impossible for her to go on working for him. He sez to her: “You’re fired!”

Last week, I inadvertently misinterpreted what the missus was endeavouring to convey. I made a terrible error. She requested that I take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’ Apparently, dropping her off on the Somalian coastline was not what she really anticipated. It's weird, isn't it, that most men spend the formative years of their lives wishing that women would chat to them, and the balance of their existence, wishing desperately that they would shut up. In fact, after twenty years of marriage, my wife suddenly wanted to swap places in our bed. I must confess, I’ve never seen this side of her before….

It’s quite amazing how life pans out. I fondly recollect my mother always telling me: “Work hard and save your money, until your bank account looks like a phone number.” I hope she’d be proud of me, because I just checked my balance and it’s £9.99 overdrawn.

For my birthday, the missus bought me a pack of ten underpants which were all the same colour. I protested: “Why all the same colour? People will think that I don’t change my undercrackers!” She looked at me with disdain and replied, “Which people?”

The wife texted me a selfie of herself in a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat. I texted back: “Nooo!” Unfortunately, my phone autocorrected it to: “Mooo!.” I’m dreading going home now…

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was clearly upset and close to tears when Non-Stick Nora encountered her in the Scropton Street Washerama and Laundrette. She blubbed to Nora that her friend Cynthia had sadly passed away. Nora asked Elsie if there was anything she could do to cheer her up. Elsie sniffled: “Tell me a joke.” Nora replied: “Knock-Knock!” Elsie asked: “Who’s there?” Nora sez: “Not Cynthia!”

                             

On a more personal note, I’m after someone to brush their teeth with me on a daily basis. Because, nine out of ten dentists reckon that brushing alone will not help tooth decay. No weirdos, please.

If you are Hungary, then maybe you should Russian to the kitchenette and Czech the fridge to see if there’s any Turkey in there. I found some, but it’s covered in Greece, and there’s Norway, I can scoff that, so I’m off to the Chinese Chippy.

Embrace your inner child. Run behind a bus to save money, laugh at Kier Starmers cronies, do cartwheels in your floral pantaloons, be angry at anything coloured magenta. Scream because oblongs fall in Tetris, tell the stranger in the checkout at Tesco that she looks like the ladies in daddy’s secret magazines. Have a head full of magic. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                      

It's What He Would Have Wanted....

                                  

At my advanced age, I tend to go to copious amounts of funerals. In my honest opinion, funerals are better than weddings, because there’s still a buffet, but you don’t have to take a present. I don’t like dancing, so I dislike attending weddings. Moreover, at a funeral, doing the Conga from the church to the graveside tends to be frowned upon for some reason. Always read the instructions on funeral invitations carefully, and avoid the terrible mistake I made. The words ‘sombre’ and ‘sombrero’ look very similar. Apologies once again.

 

How to pretend you’re in a daytime television advert about your own funeral:

1. Look about 55 and appear to be fit, fine, wonderful and well.

2. Be absolutely delighted about pre-planning your funeral.

3. Laugh like a drain with your wife and kids, who also seem to be revelling in the prospect of your eventual demise.

4. Dance around and crack open a magnum of Dom Perignon vintage champagne.

5. Give yourself a Parker pen and a carriage clock so that you can partake in the countdown to doomsday.

I

f you feel unwell, don't Google the symptoms. I’ve gone from having mild dehydration and a headache to being clinically dead two days ago - in just three clicks. It turns out that I have early onset rigor mortis, inflamed metatarsals and chronic Busman's Derriere Syndrome, which means that I can’t stand up or sit down which in turn exacerbate my palpitations, and I keep going bilious.

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the Scropton Street car boot sale yesterday, and Albert discovered a really old dusty Elvis record that he'd never come across before. The label said, 'Wooden Leg'. Nora asked the stall holder: "That's strange, I thought he sang ' Wooden Heart'? The lady running the stall replied," Yes, he did, but this is the Pirate version!"

“Oh my god” is my favourite expression primarily because if you remove any of the three words, it has the same exact meaning, just in a very different tone. Who’d a thowt it!

For his phsycology thesis, a student from Manchester Metropolitan University questioned a deeply troubled hospital patient, who had suffered an acute emotional trauma:  "How did you end up here? What was the nature of your circumstances?" He got this reply: "Well, it all started when I got married, and I reckon I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.  My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her. And so, my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my father's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now, can you understand why I’m having counselling in this place?"

                         

                                 

Remember the things that your mother used to say to you when you were a kid? I fondly recollect such gems as: “Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.” Another classic was: “If you go missing again, I’ll take you home!” However, the all-time winner must have been: “Have you seen the insides of your ears?” Halycon days indeed!

Some things are better left unsaid...

                                              

The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends," I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, ”I walked here." "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons, please."

Today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for folks like me who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.

Young Willy Eckerslyke goes to a lap-dancing club, and when his mother finds out, she is incandescent with rage. She asked him: “Now, tell me the truth, did you see anything there that you weren’t supposed to see?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “Yes, I saw Dad!”

Fascinating Fact: Studies at Manchester Metropolitan University show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I must confess that I didn't read the whole article.

Further Fascinating Facts: Coldplay have not had any singles out in ages, then suddenly they produce two in one night!

Dastardly Denis, the Landlord of my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, told me that he remembers going to bed late one night and he was just nodding off, when the phone rang. He answered it, and it was some drunk ringing from a payphone. He slurred: "Is that the Pitt Bull pub, up Scropton Street?, What time do you open tomorrow?" "Denis shouted: "We open at 12 noon, if you ring me up again at this unearthly hour, then you won't get in!" The drunk replied: "I don't wanna get in. I wanna get out!"

I must say that my hallucinations aren’t getting any better; in fact, I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I reckon that I've taken a tern for the wurst.

                                     

  

Barmy Albert gazed at Non-Stick Nora and declared to her: “I want you to have this bracelet. It’s very sentimental to me, it belonged to my grandmother. It was with her until the very end. She last wore it on her deathbed in the hospital. It was all so sad.” Nora asked him, “What does it say on the inscription?” Albert replied: “Do Not Resuscitate.”

I was in Aldi yesterday and I bought one of those George Formby grills. Not only does it cook hamburgers, but you can also use it to clean the windows.

Quiz of the week:

 Q) How would you say, Robert's terrier has run away, without using the letter ‘R’? 

A) Bob’s dogs bogged off!

I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend, and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?” I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him, I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and reported my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! The worst crisps that I ever tasted! I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday!

Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. No machine in existence can do the work of one extraordinary person.
                                                

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don’t realise this until after I’ve actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke !

                                           

 Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke — And Guess Who Just Showed Up With a Guitar?

Dick Van Dyke is more than a star — he’s a century-long symbol of joy, laughter, music, and timeless magic.
From The Dick Van Dyke Show to Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Diagnosis: Murder, his iconic smile and dazzling energy have brought light into millions of homes for generations.
But just when the world thought the celebration couldn’t get any better — in walked Robert Plant, rock legend of Led Zeppelin, with a tear in his eye and a tribute in his heart.
With one unexpected song, he brought the room to tears and reminded everyone: when legends meet, history sings.
This birthday didn’t just honor a man — it united two worlds of music in one unforgettable moment.

www.ComedianUK.com

That was the week that was!

                           

                                 

Caroline Aherne

Caroline Aherne was a rare talent — beautiful, sharp-witted, and endlessly creative.

With an IQ reportedly measured at 176, she was in the highest bracket of intelligence in the country. But it was her ability to connect with everyday life and people that made her truly special. Her characters were real, funny, and full of heart — and they struck a chord with audiences up and down the nation.

She first got noticed performing stand-up as Sister Mary Immaculate, a cheeky, cigarette-smoking nun. It was bold, clever and brilliantly satirical — and helped her gain attention on the Manchester comedy circuit. She also created other memorable characters like Mitzi Goldberg during this early period.
Caroline made a big impression on The Fast Show, playing a string of characters including the unforgettable weather presenter Poula Fisch, with her catchphrase “Scorchio!” Her comic timing and versatility made her a standout in a cast packed with talent.
But it was The Mrs Merton Show that turned her into a household name. As the sweet but cutting pensioner, she delivered some of British TV’s most iconic lines — including the legendary question to Debbie McGee: “So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?” It was sharp, unexpected, and had the nation in stitches.
Her most enduring legacy, though, is The Royle Family. Co-written with Craig Cash, and starring as Denise Royle, Caroline helped redefine the sitcom format. The show was beautifully observed, funny and moving in equal measure — and remains one of the most beloved comedies in British TV history.
Caroline’s work continues to inspire writers and comedians today. Her name lives on through the BBC’s Caroline Aherne Bursary, which supports emerging comedy talent — a fitting tribute to someone who gave so much to the industry.
Colleagues and friends often described her as “sharp as a tack but daft as a brush” — a true original who brought warmth, truth, and real humanity to everything she did.
Though she passed away in 2016, her humour and legacy are still felt to this day. A one-off. A genius. And deeply missed.

A preposterous posting!

                                   

The missus phoned me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her: "How did you know it was on its way to work?" That was two days ago and she's not talking to me!

Fascinating Fact: Pre- means before, and post means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

A Polish man goes to the optometrist for an eye test. The optician shows him a test card that says: CZWJXNYSACZ and asks: “Can you read that?” He replies: “Read it? He's my uncle!”

After 35 years of marriage, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went to consult a marriage guidance counsellor. When asked what the problem was, Nora launched into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on she ranted: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this to continue for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and, after asking Nora to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, with Albert watching - and raising an eyebrow. Nora then shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Albert and sez: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."


There are only two workers in the afternoon at Scropton Street Abattoir and they’re both chatting. Elsie Grabknuckle announces: “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.” Her work colleague, Willy Eckerslyke starts chortling and sez: “Never - you know he’s a frosty-faced old toad! How on earth would you do that?” Elsie grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks: “What on earth are you doing?” Elsie replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss sez: , “You’ve been working too hard, you’ve gone doo-lally. Go home, get some rest, and take the day off.” Willy Eckerslyke grabs his coat to follow her and the boss shouts: “Where do you think you’re going?” Willy replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark!”

                         

I was watching an Australian Master Chef episode, and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised - Australians normally boo meringue. Of course, in Scotland, you could go into a cakeshop and ask: “That cake in the window, is it an éclair or a meringue?” and the shop assistant would answer: “No. Your right. It’s an eclair.” I couldn’t drive to the cakeshop because the sign outside said: ‘No Parkin’. This bloke complained. He sez: “Why is that cake 50p, whereas the one next to it costs £1?” The assistant informed him: “Because that’s Madeira cake.”

I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They don’t make men of that calibre anymore. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and sez: “Plethora.” His wife told me, “Thank you. That means a lot.” Then, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, got up and uttered the word ‘Waterhole’. Tommy’s missus replied: “I know Hugh meant well.”

There was a spotty, precocious youth sitting on the back pew in the church at the funeral. He was talking loudly into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no flamin’ WiFi in this church.” When the priest approached him and proclaimed, "You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"



If you ever need me, I’m always just five missed calls and six unanswered text messages away. Or you can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                 

 

It's all about perspective....

                                      

I told my 28-year-old daughter Suzie that when I was her age, I used to get ten CDs in the mail for a penny. Unfortunately, she didn’t know what a CD was, what a penny was, what the mail was, or all of the above! We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school…



If I ever win the EuroMillions lottery, I pledge that nobody around me will be struggling financially, and I mean that sincerely. This is because I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.



54-year-old Chester Draws was set up on a blind date. His mate Dave sez: "She's a lovely lass, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby." Chester felt a total idiot walking into the pub wearing a just a nappy....

                                                                 

Question of the week: Of all the utensils invented to eat rice, how did two sticks win?



Ladies. Listen Up! Do you hate doing all the ironing? Here’s a top tip. If you write every letter of the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board, you will encourage ghosts to do all your ironing for you, while you’re out at bingo!



Barmy Albert took Non-Stick Nora to a packed restaurant - no seats were available, and to make matters worse, there was an hour waiting time. Quick as a flash, Nora pulled out her phone, held it to her ear, and shouted loudly: “Hey, get over here rapid! She’s here with someone else!” Six couples got up and left!
                                                

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night, they dropped me twice while carrying me to the taxi.

I’ve visited many places in my life and time, but I’ve never been to Cahoots. You cannot go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone else. Moreover, I’ve never been in Cognito either. I’ve been reliably informed that nobody recognises you in Cognito. I have, however, been in Sane. There is no airport and you must be driven there. I have made many trips….



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle and her husband Tommy return to the Mercedes dealership and discover that the same salesman had just sold the car that they were interested in to a young, voluptuous and leggy blonde woman. Tommy opined to the salesman that he was under the impression that he would hold the vehicle until they sorted out the £35k asking price, “Yet I just heard that you closed the deal for £30k to that lovely young lady over there, even though you insisted that there could be no discount whatsoever on this model.” Slightly embarrassed, the salesman told Tommy: “I’m very sorry, but the lady had the ready cash, and just look at her. How could I resist?” Just then, the gorgeous blonde approached the old folks and handed them the keys. She then sez: “There you go. I told you that I could get this Bozo to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa!” The moral of this story? Never mess with the elderly. They’re constantly ahead of the game!



I didn’t think I was chubby until the woman at McDonald's sez to me: “I’m sorry about your weight.”

                                         

The difference between men and women: When Non-Stick Nora stays out all night, she tells Barmy Albert that she slept over at her girlfriends house. Albert phones Nora’s five best pals, and none of them know anything about it. However, when Albert doesn’t come home one night, Nora phones Albert’s ten best mates and eight of them confirm that he has slept over, and two claim that he’s still there!



The next time you perpetuate a profound dislike for your present circumstances, remember that it’s all about perspective. I have a mate who reads about two or three books every day, has no financial worries whatsoever, he works out twice every day, and has folk around him who have a strong desire to jump into bed with him all the time. All this, and he constantly complains about how much he hates prison. Don’t be incarcerated within four walls. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and alleviate the monotony by having a chortle. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


 
                                                          

To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian...

                                           

Royal Mail has withdrawn the new Kier Starmer stamp because it wasn’t sticking to envelopes. After much investigation, it was discovered that folk are spitting on the wrong side!

Chancellor Rachel Reeves' impromptu tear-fest at PMQ’s in The Commons last week could have been avoided if only she hadn’t written her proposed £5bn welfare cuts on an onion.

                                           

 

I reckon that people who take ketamine should get off their high horse. To the naysayers, I say: To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian. You need to be in a stable relationship.

I’m absolutely flabbergasted! My local barber just got arrested for drug dealing. I've been a customer for years, and I can honestly say that I had no Idea he was a barber.

During a visit to his doctor, Barmy Albert asked the learned physician: "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be incarcerated in an old folks’ home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," sez Albert. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he replied. "A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

                                                 

Top 10 Signs You’ve hired the wrong geezer to mow Your lawn.

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Tesco carrier bag.

9. On the side of his mower, you notice the stencilled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

8. Stops frequently to take a nap inside the potting shed.

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

5. He’s fascinated by the details of your home security system.

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

3. Somehow manages to mow the bonnet ornament off your Mercedes.

2. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.

1. No toes.

                                 

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had played golf every single day since her retirement 25 years ago. But one evening, she returned home looking unusually downcast. "That’s it," she told her husband, Tommy. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it lands." Tommy, who was a remarkable 93 years old, made her a comforting cup of tea and opined: "Why don’t you take me along and give it one more try?" Elsie sighed. "That’s no good," she replied. "You’re 93! What help could you possibly be?" Tommy straightened up proudly and said, "I may be 93, but my eyesight is perfect!" The next day, Elsie very reluctantly took Tommy to the golf course. She teed up, took a powerful swing, and squinted down the fairway. Turning to Tommy, she asked, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" Tommy replied confidently. "I told you, my eyesight is perfect." "Great!" said Elsie, feeling a surge of hope. "So, where did it go?" Tommy paused for a moment, then scratched his head."...I can’t remember."



Pretend that you’re Marty McFly time traveling to the Oasis gig in your Delorean by hurling your monthly wage packet down a sewer, while trying to listen to The Beatles with your ear to a wine glass that’s held against a fortress wall.



Parting is such sweet sorrow. I will be working abroad for a short spell. However, this column will return very soon. Crank up the BBQ and before you know it, we’ll be back to hilarity in Chortleville! Visit my Jokey-Bloggington on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!

                                   

The Feministic Picnickerty Farrago...

                                            

Jeff Bezos told wedding guests not to bring a gift, with people asking, “What do you give the man who has everything?” A tax bill would be a good start. He left his first wife. Presumably, with a neighbour. Or did he put her in the brown bin?



I’ve decided to pack everything in and travel the world until I run out of money. After a rough calculation, I’ll be back home at around 7 pm tonight.



Rod Stewart has complained that he’s got the Glastonbury ‘tea time slot’, mainly because it interferes with his afternoon nap.



What with all the frowning upon using fossil fuels that could potentially harm the environment, I’ve just heard that a major oil conglomerate is going to start producing fuel manufactured from insect urine. I’m not absolutely certain which company, but I reckon it’s BP.



TOP TIP: Spice up your panic attacks with a harmonica.



After yet another embarrassing U-Turn, Keir Starmer is working tirelessly to find another benefits policy that the House of Commons can all hate.



How to ascertain the gender of an ant. Drop the ant in water. If it sinks: Girl ant. If it floats…..

                                     

The local vicar of Scropton Street Evangelical Church attended the dentist for a set of new gnashers. On the first Sunday after receiving his new Hampsteads, his gums hurt so bad that he gave a sermon lasting only four minutes. On the second Sunday, there was little improvement with the pain, so his sermon lasted a mere nine minutes. However, on the third Sunday, his sermon went on for a staggering two and a half hours and he had to be helped out of the pulpit by the parishioners, because he was thoroughly exhausted! Apparently, he got up late and was rushing around so much that he accidentally put his wife’s teeth in by mistake, and he couldn’t stop talking!



I was sitting on the 237 bus, and a mother and her young son were in the seat in front of me. The boy was quite annoying and kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I was tired of his antics and told him: “ When I was your age, my mum told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, then I would stay that way!” The little tyke replied: “Well, you can’t say that you weren’t warned!” Then the boy's mother chipped in and asked the child: “Peter, am I a bad mother?” The son looked at her and sez: “My name is Paul!”



Non-Stick Nora was at Weight Watchers, lamenting the fact that she’d put on yet another stone. She told the group: “I made Barmy Albert’s favourite apple and almond cake over the weekend and we scoffed half of it after dinner. The next day, I was transfixed by the other half, until I finally gave in and cut myself a mere thin slice, then I got the taste and polished off the rest of it until it was all gone! I was dismayed at my behaviour, I possess the breaking strain of a Kit-Kat and I knew that Albert would be bitterly disappointed in me.” The group leader asked gently: “What did Albert say when he found out?” With all the dignity that she could muster, Nora replied: “Oh, he never found out because I made another cake and ate half of that before he got home from work!”



Fifty-two-year-old Chester Draws was so paranoid about his missus having an affair that he relocated to a new town over 300 miles away. He couldn’t believe his good fortune when he discovered that they’d managed to keep the same gardener! 

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don’t realise this until after I’ve actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Non-Stick Nora discovers spiritual awareness....

                                                           

         

An electrician comes home at 2 am, his wife asks him: "wire you insulate?" He sez: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

I got home last night and the missus was standing there waiting for me in her new slinky outfit. She looked great coming down the stairs! She then informed that she was going back upstairs to put on a little black lace number. I followed her up, and she was playing "Agadoo" on her iPod.



There's a nudist convention on in Stalybridge tomorrow. I might go if I've got nothing on...

Barmy Albert applies for a cleaning position at a local IT company. He goes through the interviews, passes the basic screening, and finally HR tells him: “Congratulations, you’re hired. Just drop us your email, and we’ll send over your work schedule.” Albert hesitates: “Well… I actually don’t have a computer. And no email, either.” The Personnel Clerk pauses and replies: “I’m sorry, but we can’t bring you on board. If you don’t have an email, you basically don’t exist in our system. All employee communication is digital—email is essential for team coordination and updates.” With no other option, Barmy Albert leaves. Walking down the street, he starts thinking about how to make enough money to buy a computer. He’s got eight quid in his pocket. He uses it to buy ten pounds of apples from a farmer, then heads to a busy street corner to sell them as “fresh organic snacks.” Within a few hours, he doubles his money. By the end of the day, he’s turned that £8 into £100!  Albert keeps at it. Days turn into weeks, and before long, he buys a used van. Then, a small fruit stall on Scropton Street Market. After that, a High street shop. Five months later, he owns a chain of market stalls and greengrocers' outlets across the city. One day, he visits an insurance company to protect his growing business. The agent wraps up the paperwork and says, “Great! Just give me your email so we can send you special offers and updates.” Albert chuckles, “I still don’t have one.” The clerk looks shocked. “You’re telling me you built this entire business empire with no email or computer?! Just imagine where you’d be if you had one!” Albert smiles and says, “I’d probably be mopping your office floors!” Moral of the story? It’s not the tools that define your success. It’s what you do with what you have.
                                                          

Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.



Yesterday, one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was a really hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath....



Non-Stick Nora decides to take her grandson to the beach. The child’s mother is worried that Nora will not be attentive to the child…” Please,” Nora begs, “I’ve even bought him a sailor suit with a little hat!” Finally, the mother relents. At the beach, a huge wave rolls in from the horizon, crashes onto the beach, and pulls the small boy out to sea without a trace. Nora is in shock. She falls to her knees, looking to the sky. She begs, “God, please return my grandson. I’ll never ask for anything ever again!” On the horizon, a second huge wave rolls towards the beach, crashes at Nora’s feet, and deposits the child soaking wet but unharmed. Again, looking to the sky, Nora shouts: “He had a hat!”



Just a little heads up for you all. If perchance, you are in a Tesco supermarket, and you mistakenly ask a member of the public: “Where do you keep your orange cordial?” When they curtly inform you, “Actually, I don’t work here.” Do not try to cover for yourself by saying: “ I know that, I meant you personally at home, do you keep it in a cupboard or the fridge?” It just makes you look like an oddball.



Q: Why do Swedish warships have barcodes? A: So they can Scandinavian.



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was bell-ringing in the local church, and Sid Slopbouquet told her that he was refusing to touch his rope unless it was soaked in whisky. Elsie told him: “Pull the other one, it’s got Bells on it!”

                                            

The Deceased Aspidistra....

                                     

My back legs have gone! I have contracted the most appalling malady. I give it the moniker of A-A-A-A-A Syndrome. It stands for Age Animated Attention Arrears Ataxia.



It manifests itself thus: The missus instructs me to paint the kitchenette walls. As I lurch towards the front porch, I notice that there is a brown envelope from DVLA just delivered by the Royal Mail. I open the envelope and go through the other mail before I start painting. The ladders are in the shed. I lay the shed keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the waste bin underneath and notice it is overflowing. So, I decide to take out the rubbish first, but the WiFi is down, so I need to sort that out too.



I phoned BT Outreach Technical Services and told them there’s no WiFi and I was having difficulties with my computer. The techno dude sez: “Right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties”. I replied: “Hang on, slow down, I can't keep up with all that!” He asked: “What have you done up to now?” I replied, “I've written click...”



However, I think, since I’m going to be near the shed when I take out the waste, I may as well get the ladders out, in readiness. I snaffle the shed keys off the table and notice that they are actually my car keys. The notice from the DVLA reminds me that it needs taxing. Moreover, the shed key is on a hook in the utility room, so I go upstairs to my study and on my desk, I find an unopened bottle of ale that I was going to drink last night. I’m logging on to the DVLA website to tax the car. But first, I need to push the beer bottle aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to maintain the temperature, because warm lager is undrinkable.


                 


                           

As I totter towards the scullery with the Carlsberg, a wilting potted plant on the dining room table attracts my attention – it needs to be watered. I plonk the bottle down on the kitchenette worktop and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I reckon that I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the arid aspidistra. I set the spectacles back down on the worktop and endeavour to fill a jug with water, when I spot the TV remote control nestling by the bread crock.





I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first, I’ll water the plant. I splash some water on the aspidistra, but most of it spills on the mahogany table. So, I put the TV remote back down, got some paper towels, and wiped up the spillage. Then I head off down the front path, trying to remember exactly what I was planning to do.



                                    

At the end of the day, the car isn’t taxed, there’s still no WiFi, the kitchen remains undecorated, there is a warm bottle of pilsner languishing on the dining table, the aspidistra is well deceased, I can’t find the TV remote, my reading specs are on the missing list. I cannot recollect what I've done with the car keys. I try to figure out why nothing has been done today. It’s been hectic all day long, and I’m really knackered. I realise this is a serious problem, but I must remember to put the wheelie bin out tonight, because it’s Wednesday… or is it Thursday today?



Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don't realise this until after I've actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!