Scropton Street Wimmins Assoc....

                              

Get your head around this. The new Chief Constable of Merseyside has to find savings of £31 million. Meanwhile, Liverpool FC is buying a player for £125 million! The maths are easy. Draw your own conclusions about the state of our society. We’re all doomed!

A Police traffic officer was patrolling late at night around Stalybridge and Mottram. At almost midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in a cul-de-sac lane, with the interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer shufty. He observes a young bloke behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young lady in the rear seat, filing her nails. Somewhat perplexed by this unusual scenario, the efficient policeman walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The copper asks: "What are you up to, at this late hour?" The young fella sez: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the traffic cop asked: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the copper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a dark lane, and nothing is happening! The traffic cop asks: "How old are you, young man?" The young guy tells him, "I'm 21, sir." The policeman then asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man glances at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Not sure what they see in each other. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

                           

Are you skint and have to use the food bank, but worried the neighbours will see you with all those bags? Do what I do and wear a tuxedo and carry it back in a cello case.

At the Scropton Street Women's Association, Non-Stick Nora was conducting a seminar on female empowerment and how to coexist in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" Every woman raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't recollect. The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husbands - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the reply they received in response to their text message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest manner?

1 Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you ill or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you prang the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

                     

 

The Ghastly Starmergeddon Farrago....

                                

After listening to Starmer’s drivel at the Labour Conference in Liverpool last week, I’m thinking of contacting Spiderman and asking him how he gets by hanging on by a thread every single day…

Barmy Albert gets himself a side hustle working as a part-time receptionist for his local doctor's surgery. One afternoon, the doctor asks Albert: "Please keep an eye out for any patients who might come in, then you can leave at six like normal. I've got to rush out on an emergency." The following morning, the doctor asked Albert how he was doing. Albert tells him: "There were three patients. The first had a cough, so I gave him a cough mixture." The doctor nods and sez: "Good, good, and next?" Albert advises: "The second, he says he got an allergy to grass, so I give him an antihistamine. "Again, the doctor nods and asks: "And then?" Albert replies: "Well, the third, she was a woman. She comes in, completely disrobes all her clothes, climbs stark naked on the examination table, and tells me that she hasn't seen a man in over three years." "Gadzooks!" exclaims the doctor. "So what did you do?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Albert replies, "I did what any man would do. I put eyedrops in her eyes."

Fascinating Fact: I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

Non-Stick Nora was on the 237 bus and noticed that a handsome bloke was eyeing her up. She smiled at him and sez: “Hello.” He approached her and asked: “Can I be candid with you?” Nora replied: “Of course you can.” He told her: “Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you back to my place.” “Fantastic!” Nora replied: “Are you married?” He told her: “No. I’m a dentist.”

The missus was struggling to open a can of tuna. I asked her what the problem was. She opined, “Our can opener is broken.” I informed her: “So it’s actually a can’t opener!” She replied, “I can’t believe I married you!”

Further Fascinating Factoid: The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

                         

  

Chester Draws, the manager of Scropton Street Nursery, the local garden centre, overhears young Willy Eckerslyke, one of his staff members, advising a customer: “No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,” he says. “And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.” As the customer leaves, Chester saunters over to give young Willy a thorough scolding. ”Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,” he sez. “Whatever they want, we can always get it on order and deliver it to their home the following day. Do you understand?” Willy nods in agreement with him. “Anyway, what did he want?” asks the manager. Willy replied: “Rain.”

Yesterday was a sad day. The inventor of hard-boiled eggs, wrapped in pork sausage meat and coated in breadcrumbs, passed away earlier yesterday. RIP. Scott Chegg.

At this time of year, owls normally commence their courtship rituals; however, this has not happened this year due to the recent torrential rain. Apparently, it's too wet to woo.

Top Tip: Want to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex? Just stand on a railway platform, noting down train numbers.



Furthermore Fascinating Factoids: If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it's simply an O.

                                  

Non-Stick Nora's Naughty Nephew!

                            

The ghastly Starmergeddon farrago continues apace! At the Labour conference in Liverpool this week, he announced his next folly is to issue digital ID cards to everyone. He should be advised that my mate Sid had his ID stolen. We just call him ‘S’ nowadays…

                                 

Non-Stick Nora had to pick up her nephew, Tarquin, from school. She asked him how his day went, and the little boy sez: "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje, and he unbuttoned her shirt, then he took her bra off, and then..." Nora replied: "Let's save the rest of the story for when Uncle Albert comes home for his tea." Albert appears for his tea, and Nora asks the little boy, "How was your walk to school again?" Tarquin says, "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje,he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off..." Nora asked him, "And what happened next?" And the little boy told her: "And then Uncle Albert and Auntie Marje started doing the same thing that you and Uncle Tommy did when Uncle Albert was working on the nightshift!” Kid’s eh? Doncha just luvvem!

I come from a large family of failed stage magicians. I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. That appalling performance ultimately led to my father being fired. Unfortunately, it was from a cannon! Luckily, they don’t make men of his calibre anymore. Even the family dog was a ‘magical mutt’ and dabbled in magic. He was a labracadabrador.

Fascinating Fact: When a bird kills another bird, that’s considered a burder. That is the birdict!

Two kids attending a wedding, one of them leaned over to the other and asked him: “How many wives can a man have? “His pal answered: “Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer!”

A friend asked me, "Have you tried blindfold archery?" I replied: "Never." He sez: "You don't know what you're missing!" He told me that the class was at the local village hall. He then advised: “Just follow the arrows on the floor…”

                                         

 

A Geordie woman asked her friend: “Does it hurt to get a tattoo?” Her friend replied: “It depends on the area.” The Geordie woman sez: “I’m from Sunderland.”

Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when young Willy Eckerslyke asked him, “If you had to choose, would you rather lose an arm or a leg?” Albert answered: “A leg. I need both arms to go fish.” Willy replied: “I need both arms to cuddle my girlfriend.” Albert sniffed and sez: “Sounds like you’ve never been fishing!”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle phoned Currys PC World Customer Services and opined: “We purchased a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The tech guy advised: “Press the big button.” Elsie told him: “I have done that.” The tech dude then told her, “Try the power cord at the back. Maybe it’s disconnected.” Elsie then advised him: “Just hold on while I go and get a torch.” The tech fella sez: “Why do you need a torch?” Elsie replied: “It’s dark, we have no electricity.”

Further Fascinating Fact; When you grew up listening to The Beatles, Queen, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd, it isn’t easy to get excited about artists like Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and Drake.

I don’t wish to boast, but it would appear that I’ve entered the most gratifying stage of life where I have a lot going for me. My knees are going, my back is going, my hearing and eyesight are going, and my patience? Well, that’s long gone!

                                      

My mate walked into my local pub The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife with his missus and the Eric the barkeep exclaimed: "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "I met her in Thailand," he replied. "We're due to get married next month." "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."
"I don't mind that," he replied. "I hate giving her them anyway!

RIP Dickie Bird.

RIP Dickie Bird. A proper character who displayed his eccentric views as an umpire brilliantly at his after-dinner speaking gigs. Pictured here with myself and referee Graham Poll.

Further Fascinating Factoids!

                                    

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After finishing her dessert, she visited the ladies' powder room, then sauntered out through the bar area. It was such a lovely evening, she decided to leave her car in the car park and walk home. Unfortunately, when she got to her front door, she realised she hadn’t got her keys. She had inadvertently left her jacket in the cloakroom, and the keys were in the pocket. She walked back to the restaurant, retrieved her jacket, and realised that she’d left her hat at the table. When she finally returned to the table, her husband Walter asked her: “Are you alright? I was worried. You took such a long time in there!”

We’ve just returned from a holiday in Majorca and the wife said she didn’t really enjoy it because everyone could speak English and all the food was just identical to what we scoff back home. She told me that next time we go away, she wants to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff and you can’t understand a single word they say. On that basis, I’ve just booked us a fortnight in Bonnie Scotland.

The doctor asked me if I do regular exercise. I told him: “Yeah. I do them push-offs, plonks, and cronchies.” He replied: “I’ll just put no….”

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “Isn’t it strange how we pay lots of money, just to see other people?” Albert retorted: “Do you mean going to the theatre or cinema or suchlike?” Nora replied: “No. I meant Specsavers.”

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and Sharon, the barkeep, asked me if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket to support the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. She told me that the top prize was a frozen turkey!

I heard on the grapevine that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the Wailing Wall, but he couldn’t get near it because of hundreds of Manchester United supporters.

Top Tip: Save money on Double Cream. Buy two pots of Single Cream and mix them up together.

My wife found me in bed with another woman yesterday. It beggars belief why it took two of them to find me.

                                     

 
My mate Eddie told me he used to be in a band called The Fortunes. I asked him if they called it that because they thought they’d make a lot of money? He sez: “No, we only knew four tunes.”

Fascinating Fact: I read that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can’t verify that as I’ve never eaten a monkey. Furthermore, you should never monkey around with another monkey's monkey.

A Geordie woman goes to the customer service desk at the garden centre. She opines: “Excuse me pet, have you got a fern please?” The assistant replies: “Certainly. What particular variety of fern are you looking for?” The Geordie woman says: “One with buttons, so I can fern a taxi!”

Further Fascinating Fact: Whenever you pay six quid for a coffee, you get a free mug. Just find the nearest mirror to see it.

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a coincidence!

       

                         

The Hypothetical List....

                                          

The wife and I have both created a hypothetical list of five people we would love to sleep with if we ever got the chance. (The chance being either ‘zero’ or ‘zilch’) She’s picked Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Harry Styles and Johnny Depp. I’ve gone for: Her younger sister, her second cousin, her best friend Felicity, our next-door neighbour's missus, or beautiful Brenda Baxter from the Broadbottom Butty Bar, known as the girl with the breathtaking baps. That’s when the fight started!

Yesterday, I was driving down Scropton Street and I thought I saw the singer Van Morrison in my rearview mirror; however, upon further inspection, it was a Morrisons Van. Luckily, I was on my way to Specsavers.

It was the same last weekend, as I peered out of my front window, I was certain that I spotted Suggs walking past my house. Could this be the first sign of Madness?

Church Notice: When you enter this church, it may be possible that you hear ‘The Call of God.’ However, it is most unlikely that He will call you on your mobile phone, so thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter a quiet corner and speak with Him. If you want to see him, then send Him a text while driving….

I tried to walk like an Egyptian yesterday, now I need to see a Cairo practitioner.

Fascinating Fact: Even if your house burned down, Royal Mail will still put a Farmfoods leaflet through your melted letterbox.

                                             

  

Barmy Albert and Willy Eckerslyke were sauntering down Elephant Lane when they saw a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Albert exclaims, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Willy sez: "Just ignore her. She’s an attention seeking narcissist." The voluptuous woman then gestures for him to come up to her council flat. Albert is besotted! He tells Willy, "Did you see that? She's infatuated with me!" Willy insists, "Albert, don't go up there!" Albert asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Willy pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Albert blanks him and sprints into the council block. The stunning woman seductively slinks down to greet him and they go up to her flat. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn parping outside. The woman looks out the window and shouts: "OH NO! It’s my husband!" "Gadzooks!" Albert exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." Because the husband stays home, Barmy Albert spends the entire day ironing. The very next day, Albert goes to Willy’s house and tells him the whole sad episode. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go," sighs Young Willy. "Let me tell you about all those clothes you spent all day ironing? I washed them the day before!" If Non-Stick Nora finds out, there’ll be ructions!

Top Tip: Brighten your day and cheer yourself up at the next funeral you attend by hiding a twenty quid note in your black suit.

                                         

RIP Ricky Hatton. He was a regular reader of this column, and we had many a chortle together on the after-dinner circuit. A true champ. There'll never be another.

Fascinating Facts, Top Tips and Thoughts for Thursdays Galore!

                                                                   

What a team! Lammy and Kiery! It’s just like Sid James and Kenneth Williams are doing a remake! ‘Carry On Kiery’ is now available on Amazon Prime (Minister) new series entitled ‘Starmer’s Slaphappy Shenanigans!’ featuring David Lammy singing the theme tune: “I Can See Kiery Now That Rayner’s Gone!” It all ends with Two-Tier Kier shouting: “Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

After Father Ted comedy writer Graham Linehan was arrested by five armed police officers at Heathrow Airport last week, for purportedly saying ‘hurty’ words on social network platform X, we truly know that the lunatics have actually taken over the asylum.

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the eulogy at her husband's funeral. She opined: “Tommy needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was sadly not on record. Anyway, the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know to save his life. Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so I only had time to hold his hand and say goodbye. I’ll always fondly recollect how supportive my Tommy was. Even as he was fading away, he kept whispering to me: Be Positive! Be Positive! That was my Tommy, right up to the very end, he was always thinking of others….”

Top Tip: If you want to be remembered after you die, then start borrowing money from everyone you know.

Church Notice: When you enter this church, it may be possible that you hear ‘The Call of God.’ However, it is most unlikely that He will call you on your mobile phone, so thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter and choose a quiet corner and talk to Him. If you want to see him, then send Him a text while driving….

When I was a kid, the hardest football pitch that I ever played on was made of crushed brick rubble, gravel and concrete. We won our first game 3-2 on aggregate.

After dredging the lake at the local golf club, Barmy Albert got on the 237 bus with both his trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat next to old Cissie Slopbouquet, who kept looking quizzically at his obviously bulging pockets. Finally, after many perplexed glances from her, Albert curtly informed her: “It’s golf balls!” Cissie gazed at him with a saturnine grimace and replied: “That must be very painful. I had tennis elbow once!”

Fascinating Fact: The world is made up of two population groups: The 1% or the 99%. You either belong to one or you are the one!
                               

Young Willy Eckerslyke struck up a conversation with an attractive young lady in The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied: "Have you not got a girlfriend? Guys like you always have girlfriends. "No. Sadly, we broke up just over a month ago," Willy assured her. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she says: "Go on then, I'll have a white wine spritzer, please.” A few drinks later, after a kiss and a cuddle, they both headed off back to her place and made mad passionate lurve, all night long. The following morning, while young Willy was putting his clothes back on, she exclaimed: "So, you're a good-looking, genuinely nice guy, and possess an amazing personality. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Willy admitted: "My wife found out."

I argued with the missus, and in a futile bid to exact some manner of revenge, I switched all the labels on her spice rack. I'm not in real trouble just yet, but the thyme is cumin. When I got back home the following day, she’d left me a note. She wrote: “I’m truly sorry about the argument last night. I have to work late tonight. Dinner is in the oven. You only have to light it. The gas is already turned on… xxx”

Thought for Thursday: Jokes about white sugar are rare; however, Jokes about brown sugar,
Demerara...

                                         

Roy Barraclough

 






Roy Barraclough was born 12th July 1935. He was a British comic actor best known for his role on Coronation Street as shifty Rovers Return Inn landlord and theatrical agent Alec Gilroy. Prior to his first appearance as Alec in June 1972, Roy had been cast in the programme four times previously:
A Speedwell Cavern Tour Guide in June 1965
Electric guitar Salesman in July 1967
Window cleaner I-spy Dwyer in June 1968
Restaurant diner Harry in June 1970
After appearing for several more episodes in April and May 1975, Alec Gilroy was made a permanent character on the Street in June 1986 when he became manager of the Graffiti Club, and he was soon married off to Bet Lynch in what was to become a popular partnership with viewers behind the Rovers bar.
Roy left the programme in September 1992, but returned briefly in July and August 1995. In the same year he appeared in Coronation Street - The Feature Length Special, and returned to the Street for one more stint as Alec from April 1996 to December 1998. Away from the cobbles, he is well-remembered for his 1970s comedy partnership with Les Dawson. He has also appeared in episodes of George & Mildred, Bergerac, Cadfael, Last of the Summer Wine and Holby City.
Roy was awarded the MBE in 2006 for his charity work. He passed away on 1st June 2017, after a short illness.

Another one of life's mysteries...

                                                      

Last night, I yanked out a couple of nose hairs, merely to ascertain if it would actually hurt. Judging by how fast the missus woke up screaming, I’m guessing the answer is YES!

I have good problem-solving skills, but my problem-creating skills are really where I excel.

How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your CV: "I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and no safety incidents."

Q) How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) None. They use gaslighting.



Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”

I hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

They reckon that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. I can partially agree with this statement, but WHICH people? Because it does matter immensely. What if they’re people like Kier Starmer? We’re all DOOMED!

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "This could be you one day!" So, I put the ten quid note back in my pocket just in case his prediction comes true!

                                 

Barmy Albert was standing at the base of a flagpole, looking skywards and perplexed, when Non-Stick Nora appeared and asked him what was troubling him. Albert told her that he was tasked with finding the exact height of the flagpole, but he didn’t have a suitable ladder. Nora took a spanner from her handbag, then loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked off. Albert shook his head and chortled: "Isn’t that a typical woman! I ask for the height and she gives me the length!"

                                              

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion spots him and thinks, “Hmm… never seen this creature before, but he looks edible.” The lion charges toward him. The dog panics, then notices some bones nearby. Thinking quickly, he shouts, “Wow, that was some good lion meat!” The lion freezes. “Whoa! This guy’s tougher than he looks. Better get out of here while I can.” Up in the tree, a monkey saw the whole thing and realized he could use it to his advantage. He told the lion the truth, hoping for a reward. The furious lion roared, “Get on my back, monkey! We’ll show this dog who’s boss.” As they approached, the dog saw them coming and shouted: “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion over an hour ago!”
                     


Another one of life's mysteries is why there is always a shop at the airport selling luggage. What kind of person is going on holiday, carrying armfuls of clothes and shouting: “I’ll pack when I get there!”



My grandad told me that he saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that the ship would sink; however, nobody listened to him. He was a brave man. He did not throw the towel in, he warned them on copious occasions, but to no avail. He was thoroughly downcast when they chucked him out of the cinema.

                       

  

A Roman centurion walks into a bar....

                                                        

One evening, Barmy Albert was out in the garage tinkering with his tools, happily welding a flange just for fun. Non-stick Nora appeared and leaned against his workbench, silently observing his every move. After a long pause, she sez: “Honey, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you stop spending so much time out here. You could sell the welding kit, your silly fishing rods, the golf clubs you hardly ever use, and honestly, that ancient old Harley could go too.” Albert froze, staring at her like she’d just been bobbing for apples in a chip pan. “What’s wrong, Albert?” she asked demurely. “Just then,” Albert opined, “You sounded exactly like my ex-wife.” Nora’s eyes widened. “EX-WIFE?! You never told me that you’d been married before!” Albert shrugged and said, “I haven’t.”

                                     


Pretend you’re in Coronation Street by having a clandestine affair with your husband’s brother, then get a cream cake from Roy’s Rolls after being arrested by Weatherfield Police on trumped-up charges of harassment, finally getting released from custody and being shot with an illegal firearm on the Red Rec, getting knocked over outside The Rovers Return, by Steve McDonald in his taxi. Tracy Barlow blackmails you for £10K. Then, shout: “Tara me ducks!” every twenty minutes. Come back, Jack and Vera. All is forgiven!



                                                       

 


A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barman, confused, enquires: "Perhaps you meant to say martini?" The centurion replies, "If I wanted two drinks, I would have said so”.



Fascinating Fact: Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.



Olympic hammer throwers and shot putters. After retiring from athletics, put your skills to good use by becoming a baggage handler at Manchester Airport.

                                                      

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear? A: Open toad.



I remember years ago, telling my Mum I'd won the "Leslie Nielsen" Award at school. "What that?" she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that's not important right now".



I always regret never learning another language at school. My poor knowledge of Greek has always been my Achilles Elbow.



A bloke phoned my agency and asked me: “How much to hire a church singing group?” I replied: “You mean a Choir?” He sez: “Right! How much to acquire a church singing group?”



I signed up for one of those Zoom Workout Classes; however, it was far too advanced for me. When the instructor said, “Do a plank, then bring your knee to the opposite elbow.” I did my own modified version. I switched off the computer and went and made myself two bacon and egg butties in the kitchenette. I plan to ketchup later.
                                                          

The missus left me a note on the fridge. It read: “It’s not working, so I’ve gone to my mothers.” I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella and it was perfectly chilled! Moreover, it was printed on the side of the can: “Best drunk in August 2025.” I’d like to thank the beer company for this most prestigious award.



Meanwhile, in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, Sharon, the blonde barmaid, asked young Willy Eckerslyke if he had any children. Young Willy replied: “Yes. I have one that’s just under two.” Sharon was most offended. She sez: “I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!”

                                       


Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires what was the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”



I just hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                           

The Toxic Algorithm Tour...

 

                 Featuring: Dom Collins - Austin Knight - Dusty Young.

                              Coming to a venue near you, whether you like it or not! 

Having a crossword with the missus..

                              

When I was a teenager, I could bleach my Wrangler jeans in the bath, develop film in a darkroom after I'd taken photos with an Instamatic camera, programme a VHS video recorder, repair audio cassette tapes with a pencil, get 78rpm vinyl LP's to stop skipping with a penny. Nowadays, I’m like: “I don’t get how to use this contactless tapping a credit card gubbins….


The missus sez: "You're so lazy! What have you got planned for the August Bank Holiday?" I replied, "I think I'll take the Christmas tree and the decorations down..." That’s when the fight started!

What is the difference between the missus and a crossword? You can normally work out where you went wrong with a crossword....

Willy Eckerslyke met a gorgeous woman in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife Pub and took her back to her council flat up Scropton Street back snicket. He was just about to disrobe and get more intimate when he hesitated. "What's wrong?" she asked. "We are on the first floor, aren't we?" "Yes. Why?" "I'm sure I've just seen someone walk past the window." "Well, it can't be my husband," she replied, "He's out playing basketball tonight."

Non-Stick Nora’s boss said something to her the other day, which made it impossible for her to go on working for him. He sez to her: “You’re fired!”

Last week, I inadvertently misinterpreted what the missus was endeavouring to convey. I made a terrible error. She requested that I take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’ Apparently, dropping her off on the Somalian coastline was not what she really anticipated. It's weird, isn't it, that most men spend the formative years of their lives wishing that women would chat to them, and the balance of their existence, wishing desperately that they would shut up. In fact, after twenty years of marriage, my wife suddenly wanted to swap places in our bed. I must confess, I’ve never seen this side of her before….

It’s quite amazing how life pans out. I fondly recollect my mother always telling me: “Work hard and save your money, until your bank account looks like a phone number.” I hope she’d be proud of me, because I just checked my balance and it’s £9.99 overdrawn.

For my birthday, the missus bought me a pack of ten underpants which were all the same colour. I protested: “Why all the same colour? People will think that I don’t change my undercrackers!” She looked at me with disdain and replied, “Which people?”

The wife texted me a selfie of herself in a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat. I texted back: “Nooo!” Unfortunately, my phone autocorrected it to: “Mooo!.” I’m dreading going home now…

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was clearly upset and close to tears when Non-Stick Nora encountered her in the Scropton Street Washerama and Laundrette. She blubbed to Nora that her friend Cynthia had sadly passed away. Nora asked Elsie if there was anything she could do to cheer her up. Elsie sniffled: “Tell me a joke.” Nora replied: “Knock-Knock!” Elsie asked: “Who’s there?” Nora sez: “Not Cynthia!”

                             

On a more personal note, I’m after someone to brush their teeth with me on a daily basis. Because, nine out of ten dentists reckon that brushing alone will not help tooth decay. No weirdos, please.

If you are Hungary, then maybe you should Russian to the kitchenette and Czech the fridge to see if there’s any Turkey in there. I found some, but it’s covered in Greece, and there’s Norway, I can scoff that, so I’m off to the Chinese Chippy.

Embrace your inner child. Run behind a bus to save money, laugh at Kier Starmers cronies, do cartwheels in your floral pantaloons, be angry at anything coloured magenta. Scream because oblongs fall in Tetris, tell the stranger in the checkout at Tesco that she looks like the ladies in daddy’s secret magazines. Have a head full of magic. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                      

It's What He Would Have Wanted....

                                  

At my advanced age, I tend to go to copious amounts of funerals. In my honest opinion, funerals are better than weddings, because there’s still a buffet, but you don’t have to take a present. I don’t like dancing, so I dislike attending weddings. Moreover, at a funeral, doing the Conga from the church to the graveside tends to be frowned upon for some reason. Always read the instructions on funeral invitations carefully, and avoid the terrible mistake I made. The words ‘sombre’ and ‘sombrero’ look very similar. Apologies once again.

 

How to pretend you’re in a daytime television advert about your own funeral:

1. Look about 55 and appear to be fit, fine, wonderful and well.

2. Be absolutely delighted about pre-planning your funeral.

3. Laugh like a drain with your wife and kids, who also seem to be revelling in the prospect of your eventual demise.

4. Dance around and crack open a magnum of Dom Perignon vintage champagne.

5. Give yourself a Parker pen and a carriage clock so that you can partake in the countdown to doomsday.

I

f you feel unwell, don't Google the symptoms. I’ve gone from having mild dehydration and a headache to being clinically dead two days ago - in just three clicks. It turns out that I have early onset rigor mortis, inflamed metatarsals and chronic Busman's Derriere Syndrome, which means that I can’t stand up or sit down which in turn exacerbate my palpitations, and I keep going bilious.

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the Scropton Street car boot sale yesterday, and Albert discovered a really old dusty Elvis record that he'd never come across before. The label said, 'Wooden Leg'. Nora asked the stall holder: "That's strange, I thought he sang ' Wooden Heart'? The lady running the stall replied," Yes, he did, but this is the Pirate version!"

“Oh my god” is my favourite expression primarily because if you remove any of the three words, it has the same exact meaning, just in a very different tone. Who’d a thowt it!

For his phsycology thesis, a student from Manchester Metropolitan University questioned a deeply troubled hospital patient, who had suffered an acute emotional trauma:  "How did you end up here? What was the nature of your circumstances?" He got this reply: "Well, it all started when I got married, and I reckon I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.  My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her. And so, my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my father's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now, can you understand why I’m having counselling in this place?"

                         

                                 

Remember the things that your mother used to say to you when you were a kid? I fondly recollect such gems as: “Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.” Another classic was: “If you go missing again, I’ll take you home!” However, the all-time winner must have been: “Have you seen the insides of your ears?” Halycon days indeed!

Some things are better left unsaid...

                                              

The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends," I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, ”I walked here." "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons, please."

Today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for folks like me who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.

Young Willy Eckerslyke goes to a lap-dancing club, and when his mother finds out, she is incandescent with rage. She asked him: “Now, tell me the truth, did you see anything there that you weren’t supposed to see?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “Yes, I saw Dad!”

Fascinating Fact: Studies at Manchester Metropolitan University show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I must confess that I didn't read the whole article.

Further Fascinating Facts: Coldplay have not had any singles out in ages, then suddenly they produce two in one night!

Dastardly Denis, the Landlord of my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, told me that he remembers going to bed late one night and he was just nodding off, when the phone rang. He answered it, and it was some drunk ringing from a payphone. He slurred: "Is that the Pitt Bull pub, up Scropton Street?, What time do you open tomorrow?" "Denis shouted: "We open at 12 noon, if you ring me up again at this unearthly hour, then you won't get in!" The drunk replied: "I don't wanna get in. I wanna get out!"

I must say that my hallucinations aren’t getting any better; in fact, I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I reckon that I've taken a tern for the wurst.

                                     

  

Barmy Albert gazed at Non-Stick Nora and declared to her: “I want you to have this bracelet. It’s very sentimental to me, it belonged to my grandmother. It was with her until the very end. She last wore it on her deathbed in the hospital. It was all so sad.” Nora asked him, “What does it say on the inscription?” Albert replied: “Do Not Resuscitate.”

I was in Aldi yesterday and I bought one of those George Formby grills. Not only does it cook hamburgers, but you can also use it to clean the windows.

Quiz of the week:

 Q) How would you say, Robert's terrier has run away, without using the letter ‘R’? 

A) Bob’s dogs bogged off!

I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend, and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?” I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him, I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and reported my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! The worst crisps that I ever tasted! I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday!

Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. No machine in existence can do the work of one extraordinary person.
                                                

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don’t realise this until after I’ve actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke !

                                           

 Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke — And Guess Who Just Showed Up With a Guitar?

Dick Van Dyke is more than a star — he’s a century-long symbol of joy, laughter, music, and timeless magic.
From The Dick Van Dyke Show to Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Diagnosis: Murder, his iconic smile and dazzling energy have brought light into millions of homes for generations.
But just when the world thought the celebration couldn’t get any better — in walked Robert Plant, rock legend of Led Zeppelin, with a tear in his eye and a tribute in his heart.
With one unexpected song, he brought the room to tears and reminded everyone: when legends meet, history sings.
This birthday didn’t just honor a man — it united two worlds of music in one unforgettable moment.

www.ComedianUK.com

That was the week that was!