The new Andrew Mountbatten Windsor publication...

                                                   

BREAKING NEWS: There’s a new Andrew Mountbatten Windsor biography being released next week! Fortunately, this one doesn’t have a title.

I’m absolutely gutted! Would you believe that Kajagoogoo tickets have just gone on sale for £60, but I’ve only got £58.

Barmy Albert got home from work early, only to discover his best mate Willy Eckerslyke in bed with Non-Stick Nora. “Now hang on a minute, don’t go bananas. Let’s settle this in a civilised manner. We obviously both want the same woman, right? Here’s a deck of cards. Let’s cut them to see who gets her!” Albert agreed. “You’re on! But, let's have a hundred quid side bet to make it more exciting!”

When I was a kid and bedtime was at 9 pm, I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so that I could go to bed whenever I wanted to. It turns out that it’s 9 pm.

The wife and I have been married for 20 years, and folks often ask me: “What’s your secret?” I reply, “It’s straightforward. We have a ritual. We strictly adhere to it. Every week, we go out for a romantic candlelit dinner, drink fine wines and indulge in haute cuisine. She goes on Tuesday and I go on Thursday.

As the ship started sinking, the captain announced to his crew and passengers: “Is anyone here who is religious?” I put my hand up and informed him that I was, and that I pray very often. The captain sez: “That’s good. You can pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets, because we’re one short!”

Young Eric was misbehaving in class yet again and the teacher sent him to the headmaster's office. The headmaster informed Eric that this was the fifth time and that he had been a disruption in class this week, so I’m going to have to contact your father to discuss exactly what punishment you will receive. Young Eric replied: “Thank you. That will be awesome. I can’t wait to meet him!”

                                     

  

Non-stick Nora returned a wine box to Tesco, complaining that it clearly stated on the box that once opened, it would last six weeks. However, it was all gone in one night!

Tommy Grabknuckle wandered into his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, not realising that it was fancy dress night. He suddenly encountered a pirate drinking at the bar. Tommy noticed his eye patch and his hook hand and asked him: “If I buy you a beer, will you tell me how you lost your right hand?” The pirate replied: “Sure! One night, we sailed into a storm, and I inadvertently fell overboard, and my right hand became caught in a giant clam. A shark came along and bit off my hand. Otherwise, I would have drowned!” Tommy was overawed with this incredible story, so he bought the pirate another beer and asked him: “How did you lose your left eye?” The pirate sez: “Well, one day I was gazing up into the clouds, when a seagull flew across and pooped in my eye.” Tommy couldn’t fathom this out. He asked the pirate: “Your left eye went blind because of bird poop?” The pirate shook his head and replied: “Nah! That was the first day I got this hook!”



Recommended Reading: I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called "Fights on a Narrowboat" by R.G. Bargee

I kid you not. This is true. I was sauntering up Scropton Street and passed the pet shop, and there was a cat in the window that they maintained was from Amsterdam, so I went inside and asked: “How Dutch is that moggy in the window?”

                                                 

  

The spotty, precocious yoof!

                    

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, Starmer should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send David Lammy round with a rake!

Parliament is where an inveterate liar gets up to speak, says nowt, nobody listens and then everybody disagrees. That’s the measure of politicians. It reminds me of the priest who was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was selected to deliver the presentation and give a brief speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to share a few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a car, had thieved money from his parents, embezzled from his place of work, had an affair with his boss’s wife, and taken illegal class A drugs. I was utterly appalled. But as time elapsed, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a community full of upstanding, fine and caring folk". Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. "I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

I've invented a new range of concrete birdseed. It’s impeccable. I also invented an acid that would burn through anything, but I can’t find nowt to put it in.

                       

I managed to get on Dragon's Den with some of my other brainwaves. Of course, necessity is the mother of invention. When you’re caravanning or camping, then space is at an absolute premium, so I created a folding bottle that I called a ‘Fottle’ and Duncan Bannatyne said it was a rubbish concept. Unfazed, I pressed on, informing him, "Well, I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a ‘Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. Feeling thoroughly dejected, I left the Dragons' Den and I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...

                                                   

Non-Stick Nora phoned BT Directory Enquiries. She sez: “I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Stalybridge, please.” Operator: “'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?” Nora replied: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off.”

I had a bad day on Facebook yesterday. I’m still unsure exactly what to comment on a photo of a new baby, but I now know that it isn’t “Yikes!”

Fascinating Fact: A group of wolves is called a "pack". A group of teenagers is called a "whatever."

If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of being raised in a barn and want to talk about it, then remember my door is always open…

There was a spotty precocious youth sprawled on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

                                

 

The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh...

                                           

Last weekend, I was in the Tesco car park watching a woman who couldn't remember where she had parked. Every time she held her remote car key in the air, I honked my horn. Later on, I pointed a hairdryer at cars on Scropton Street to see if they slowed down. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

My mobile phone accidentally recorded a ten-minute video of my shoes yesterday. There was some pretty good footage.

Ladies. Listen Up: If perchance l invite you out to dinner, don't bring your bag; I will never let you pay. The important thing is that you start running when I run.

Save money on batteries by only putting them into your clock when you wish to know the time.

If your application to join the French Foreign Legion is turned down, simply join the Royal British Legion instead—less danger, jackpot bingo and cheaper beer.

I was in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with Barmy Albert , when this gang of Hells Angels Bikers started mouthing off at us! Barmy Albert suggested we should pretend that we're the Police. Not a good idea. We only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they tarred and feathered us!

Fascinating Fact: NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They're calling it Apollo G.

I told the missus that our next-door neighbour has sadly passed away. died. She said: "Who? Ray?"
I told her it was far too early to celebrate like that!



Just when I thought that there was no hope left, I remembered the lobsters swimming around in the tank in the restaurant on the Titanic.


                        

Non-Stick Nora was having a problem with her wardrobe door in the main bedroom. It would fall off its hinges whenever the 237 bus went by. She tried to repair it on numerous occasions, but the door would still become unhinged when the bus thundered past. She finally called Chester Draws, the local odd-job man. He turned up the following afternoon and had a shufty at the wardrobe door and could find no problem, then suddenly, the 237 went by and the door mysteriously fell off its hinges. Chester suggested that he step inside the wardrobe and that Nora should shut the door behind him, so that he could ascertain the problem. Meanwhile, Barmy Albert arrived home from work, and as soon as he entered the house, he could hear voices from the bedroom, so he rushed upstairs to investigate. He burst in and demanded to know who Nora was talking to. Before she could explain, he looked in the wardrobe and found Chester inside and asked, “What's he doing in there?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m waiting for a bus!”



Top Tip: Keep a forty-year-old refrigerator in the garage so you'll still have one that works when the one you bought this year stops working next year.

                     

                                                      www.UKCabaret.com

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:

(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.

(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.

(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.

Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and exercise your guffaw glands!

                   

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince...

                                          

Breaking News: Although Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has relinquished his titles, he’s received two new titles. The first one is that he is to be referred to as: ‘The Artist formerly Known as Prince’, and he’s also the recipient of: ‘The Order of the Boot.’

                                  

Non-Stick Nora inadvertently locked her keys in her Reliant Robin Interceptor at Scropton Street back snicket. She looked around and spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.” So, she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.” Just seconds later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the back snicket. A bearded ruffian in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?” She explained, “Barmy Albert is ill. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?” The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked. Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!" The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft." Nora hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a seasoned professional!"

Last week, two monsters attended a Halloween Party, one monster sez to the other: “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied: “Be a gentleman and roll them back!”

The three most difficult things for a man to say:

1) I was wrong.

2) I need help.

3) One smart fellow, he felt smart, two smart fellows, they both felt smart…

                            

I visited North Wales last week and couldn’t figure out if the road signs that advised “20” were actually miles per hour or the number of Labour voters left in Wales. Methinks the latter option would be the answer. My doctor is Welsh and he has prescribed me Prestatins…

Young Willy Eckerslyke sauntered into the local library and asked the librarian: “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s Dog or Schrodinger’s Cat?” The librarian replied: “ It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

The missus phoned me from Aldi and was really annoyed and incandescent with rage about the inept cashier at the checkout. I asked her: “Are you in the self-checkout?” She replied: “Yes, I am. How did you know?”

I’m an international comedian. I’m out of work all over the world. I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician and a Czech one too Czech one too. You’re Russian to get to the bathroom. You’re European when you’re in the bathroom. You’re Finnish when you leave the bathroom. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Abattoir, Barmy Albert’s foreman told him: “ This is the fifth consecutive day in a row that you’re late for work. What conclusions do you reckon I make based on that?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “That today is Friday?”

                            

Trick or Treat Time...

                                                       

                        

Every Halloween, a funeral director I know always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there were ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be absolutely hilarious! Bonfire night looms ominously in the future, too. Rumour has it that you should never return to a firework that hasn’t gone off. My back garden has been off-limits since 2001.

                        

Last Sunday, I decided not to alter all the clocks. I’m just gonna watch ITV+1 for the next six months

Avoid burning your Hawaiian pizza by setting the oven at aloha temperature.

The wedding ceremony reached an awkward moment when the vicar asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts ambling towards the priest. The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued as the bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back." And that, dear reader, illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.



Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick-or-Treating:

10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.

8. You ask for high fibre treats only.

7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. Folk say, “Brilliant Kier Starmer mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens, you shout: “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a zimmer frame.

1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.


                             

I remember going to Blackpool for my holidays, and I went on a donkey. It took me a fortnight to get there.



After six attempts, Non-Stick Nora finally passed her driving test. Barmy Albert asked if her if he could buy her something as a celebratory present. She told him, "Just something cheap to run around in. So, he bought her a pair of trainers from Aldi....



Fascinating Fact: Work out how dead you are by simply putting the percentage sign after your age.



If you’re skint and desperately need a job, then apply to Search and Rescue. Apparently, they’re always looking for people.



If drinking alcohol damages short-term memory, then just imagine what drinking alcohol can do.



If you fancy a pre-Christmas laugh, then why not book for my comedy show at the Premier Lounge, Audenshaw, M34 5LP on 14th December. Irish comic Dusty Young and comedy songsmith Dom Collins will be appearing with me. It’ll be a reet good chortle. Contact the venue on 0161 337 9283 and book early!

                       

                          

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

                                           

Crazy Davey Swazee, a political science student, was compiling a thesis explaining what happened when he wore a Kier Starmer T-shirt for a whole week. So far, he’s been sworn at, spat at, pushed and slapped. He’s been left wondering what will happen when he leaves the house!

                                             

 

Last Sunday, my daughter Suzie called around and whilst having a cup of tea, she shouted, “Alexa, play ‘Let it Go’.” I told her that when I was her age, I had to phone up the BBC Light Programme, wait on hold for an hour to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play, so that I could record it. She then advised me: “I honestly don't know what any of that means.”

Young Willy Eckerslyke and his brother Woody stagger out of The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub after a long night playing darts and dominoes, jump in the car, and start driving. A couple of minutes pass, and there's a tap on the window. Willy turns and screams, “There’s an old man’s ghost face at the window!” Woody then puts his foot right down on the accelerator, but the face remains there. The old man taps again and says softly: “You got any chewing gum?” The terrified Willy hands him a Wrigley's Spearmint and screams to his brother Woody, “STEP ON IT!” A few minutes later, they're laughing nervously when—tap-tap- tap—the old man's back, with a cigar in his gob! “Do you have a light?” he whispers. The lighter is passed quickly out of the window, and Willy shouts, “Drive!” Now the speedometer reads 100 mph, they are both white-knuckled and perspiring, when once again—tap-tap-tap. The window is rolled down slowly... “WHAT NOW?” Young Willy screams. The old fella smiles and sez calmly: “Do you need a push getting out of this mud?”

                                                        

Non-Stick Nora was enjoying a game of bingo with all her friends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and get tea ready for Barmy Albert. " When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a tin of Whiskas cat food. With no time to go to Aldi, she opened the tin of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted Albert warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it and announced, "Nora, this is the best dinner you've made me in twenty-five years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every bingo day from then on, Nora made Albert the exact same grub. She told her bingo partners about it, and they were all flabbergasted. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, Albert was in Tameside hospital with numerous fractures and severe cuts and bruises. The women were sitting around the bingo hall and one of them said, "You nearly killed him. We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would have serious consequences!” "How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you caused serious injuries to your husband?" With all the dignity that she could muster, Non-Stick Nora stoically replied, "I didn't injure him at all. He fell off the shed roof when he was chasing a pigeon." Don’t ask meow!

Q: What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A: A Cameron Diaz

My mate Dave works as a road sweeper. I asked him, "What qualifications do you need for that job?" He replied: "None, you just pick it up as you go along!"

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
                                  

Scropton Street Wimmins Assoc....

                              

The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Get your head around this. The new Chief Constable of Merseyside has to find savings of £31 million. Meanwhile, Liverpool FC is buying a player for £125 million! The maths are easy. Draw your own conclusions about the state of our society. We’re all doomed!

A Police traffic officer was patrolling late at night around Stalybridge and Mottram. At almost midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in a cul-de-sac lane, with the interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer shufty. He observes a young bloke behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young lady in the rear seat, filing her nails. Somewhat perplexed by this unusual scenario, the efficient policeman walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The copper asks: "What are you up to, at this late hour?" The young fella sez: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the traffic cop asked: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the copper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a dark lane, and nothing is happening! The traffic cop asks: "How old are you, young man?" The young guy tells him, "I'm 21, sir." The policeman then asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man glances at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Not sure what they see in each other. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

                           

Are you skint and have to use the food bank, but worried the neighbours will see you with all those bags? Do what I do and wear a tuxedo and carry it back in a cello case.

At the Scropton Street Women's Association, Non-Stick Nora was conducting a seminar on female empowerment and how to coexist in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" Every woman raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't recollect. The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husbands - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the reply they received in response to their text message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest manner?

1 Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you ill or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you prang the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

                     

 


As I was driving home last night, I spotted a group of folks on all fours in the central reservation who appeared to be eating grass. I stopped the car and asked what was going on. The bloke told me that they were asylum seekers who had come over from Calais and rather than go on the Bibby Stockholm migrant barge or to Rwanda, they had decided to fend for themselves. They had no money or resources and therefore were forced to eat grass. There was this middle-aged Albanian bloke and his three younger brothers.

I was utterly astounded at their predicament and told them to get into my car, because I intended to take them all to my house. I’d only travelled about 500 yards when I spied another group of people on their hands and knees eating grass. I asked the bloke if he knew who they were. He told me in broken English that they were other male members of his Albanian family who were also destitute and forced to eat grass.

He asked me if I could pick up these other members of his family and take them all to my house. It was then that I got quite annoyed and said to him “Hang on a minute! How big do you think my lawn is?”

The Ghastly Starmergeddon Farrago....

                                

After listening to Starmer’s drivel at the Labour Conference in Liverpool last week, I’m thinking of contacting Spiderman and asking him how he gets by hanging on by a thread every single day…

Barmy Albert gets himself a side hustle working as a part-time receptionist for his local doctor's surgery. One afternoon, the doctor asks Albert: "Please keep an eye out for any patients who might come in, then you can leave at six like normal. I've got to rush out on an emergency." The following morning, the doctor asked Albert how he was doing. Albert tells him: "There were three patients. The first had a cough, so I gave him a cough mixture." The doctor nods and sez: "Good, good, and next?" Albert advises: "The second, he says he got an allergy to grass, so I give him an antihistamine. "Again, the doctor nods and asks: "And then?" Albert replies: "Well, the third, she was a woman. She comes in, completely disrobes all her clothes, climbs stark naked on the examination table, and tells me that she hasn't seen a man in over three years." "Gadzooks!" exclaims the doctor. "So what did you do?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Albert replies, "I did what any man would do. I put eyedrops in her eyes."

Fascinating Fact: I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

Non-Stick Nora was on the 237 bus and noticed that a handsome bloke was eyeing her up. She smiled at him and sez: “Hello.” He approached her and asked: “Can I be candid with you?” Nora replied: “Of course you can.” He told her: “Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you back to my place.” “Fantastic!” Nora replied: “Are you married?” He told her: “No. I’m a dentist.”

The missus was struggling to open a can of tuna. I asked her what the problem was. She opined, “Our can opener is broken.” I informed her: “So it’s actually a can’t opener!” She replied, “I can’t believe I married you!”

Further Fascinating Factoid: The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

                         

  

Chester Draws, the manager of Scropton Street Nursery, the local garden centre, overhears young Willy Eckerslyke, one of his staff members, advising a customer: “No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,” he says. “And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.” As the customer leaves, Chester saunters over to give young Willy a thorough scolding. ”Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,” he sez. “Whatever they want, we can always get it on order and deliver it to their home the following day. Do you understand?” Willy nods in agreement with him. “Anyway, what did he want?” asks the manager. Willy replied: “Rain.”

Yesterday was a sad day. The inventor of hard-boiled eggs, wrapped in pork sausage meat and coated in breadcrumbs, passed away earlier yesterday. RIP. Scott Chegg.

At this time of year, owls normally commence their courtship rituals; however, this has not happened this year due to the recent torrential rain. Apparently, it's too wet to woo.

Top Tip: Want to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex? Just stand on a railway platform, noting down train numbers.



Furthermore Fascinating Factoids: If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it's simply an O.

                                  

Non-Stick Nora's Naughty Nephew!

                            

The ghastly Starmergeddon farrago continues apace! At the Labour conference in Liverpool this week, he announced his next folly is to issue digital ID cards to everyone. He should be advised that my mate Sid had his ID stolen. We just call him ‘S’ nowadays…

                                 

Non-Stick Nora had to pick up her nephew, Tarquin, from school. She asked him how his day went, and the little boy sez: "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje, and he unbuttoned her shirt, then he took her bra off, and then..." Nora replied: "Let's save the rest of the story for when Uncle Albert comes home for his tea." Albert appears for his tea, and Nora asks the little boy, "How was your walk to school again?" Tarquin says, "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje,he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off..." Nora asked him, "And what happened next?" And the little boy told her: "And then Uncle Albert and Auntie Marje started doing the same thing that you and Uncle Tommy did when Uncle Albert was working on the nightshift!” Kid’s eh? Doncha just luvvem!

I come from a large family of failed stage magicians. I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. That appalling performance ultimately led to my father being fired. Unfortunately, it was from a cannon! Luckily, they don’t make men of his calibre anymore. Even the family dog was a ‘magical mutt’ and dabbled in magic. He was a labracadabrador.

Fascinating Fact: When a bird kills another bird, that’s considered a burder. That is the birdict!

Two kids attending a wedding, one of them leaned over to the other and asked him: “How many wives can a man have? “His pal answered: “Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer!”

A friend asked me, "Have you tried blindfold archery?" I replied: "Never." He sez: "You don't know what you're missing!" He told me that the class was at the local village hall. He then advised: “Just follow the arrows on the floor…”

                                         

 

A Geordie woman asked her friend: “Does it hurt to get a tattoo?” Her friend replied: “It depends on the area.” The Geordie woman sez: “I’m from Sunderland.”

Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when young Willy Eckerslyke asked him, “If you had to choose, would you rather lose an arm or a leg?” Albert answered: “A leg. I need both arms to go fish.” Willy replied: “I need both arms to cuddle my girlfriend.” Albert sniffed and sez: “Sounds like you’ve never been fishing!”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle phoned Currys PC World Customer Services and opined: “We purchased a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The tech guy advised: “Press the big button.” Elsie told him: “I have done that.” The tech dude then told her, “Try the power cord at the back. Maybe it’s disconnected.” Elsie then advised him: “Just hold on while I go and get a torch.” The tech fella sez: “Why do you need a torch?” Elsie replied: “It’s dark, we have no electricity.”

Further Fascinating Fact; When you grew up listening to The Beatles, Queen, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd, it isn’t easy to get excited about artists like Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and Drake.

I don’t wish to boast, but it would appear that I’ve entered the most gratifying stage of life where I have a lot going for me. My knees are going, my back is going, my hearing and eyesight are going, and my patience? Well, that’s long gone!

                                      

My mate walked into my local pub The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife with his missus and the Eric the barkeep exclaimed: "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "I met her in Thailand," he replied. "We're due to get married next month." "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."
"I don't mind that," he replied. "I hate giving her them anyway!

RIP Dickie Bird.

RIP Dickie Bird. A proper character who displayed his eccentric views as an umpire brilliantly at his after-dinner speaking gigs. Pictured here with myself and referee Graham Poll.

Further Fascinating Factoids!

                                    

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After finishing her dessert, she visited the ladies' powder room, then sauntered out through the bar area. It was such a lovely evening, she decided to leave her car in the car park and walk home. Unfortunately, when she got to her front door, she realised she hadn’t got her keys. She had inadvertently left her jacket in the cloakroom, and the keys were in the pocket. She walked back to the restaurant, retrieved her jacket, and realised that she’d left her hat at the table. When she finally returned to the table, her husband Walter asked her: “Are you alright? I was worried. You took such a long time in there!”

We’ve just returned from a holiday in Majorca and the wife said she didn’t really enjoy it because everyone could speak English and all the food was just identical to what we scoff back home. She told me that next time we go away, she wants to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff and you can’t understand a single word they say. On that basis, I’ve just booked us a fortnight in Bonnie Scotland.

The doctor asked me if I do regular exercise. I told him: “Yeah. I do them push-offs, plonks, and cronchies.” He replied: “I’ll just put no….”

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “Isn’t it strange how we pay lots of money, just to see other people?” Albert retorted: “Do you mean going to the theatre or cinema or suchlike?” Nora replied: “No. I meant Specsavers.”

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and Sharon, the barkeep, asked me if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket to support the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. She told me that the top prize was a frozen turkey!

I heard on the grapevine that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the Wailing Wall, but he couldn’t get near it because of hundreds of Manchester United supporters.

Top Tip: Save money on Double Cream. Buy two pots of Single Cream and mix them up together.

My wife found me in bed with another woman yesterday. It beggars belief why it took two of them to find me.

                                     

 
My mate Eddie told me he used to be in a band called The Fortunes. I asked him if they called it that because they thought they’d make a lot of money? He sez: “No, we only knew four tunes.”

Fascinating Fact: I read that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can’t verify that as I’ve never eaten a monkey. Furthermore, you should never monkey around with another monkey's monkey.

A Geordie woman goes to the customer service desk at the garden centre. She opines: “Excuse me pet, have you got a fern please?” The assistant replies: “Certainly. What particular variety of fern are you looking for?” The Geordie woman says: “One with buttons, so I can fern a taxi!”

Further Fascinating Fact: Whenever you pay six quid for a coffee, you get a free mug. Just find the nearest mirror to see it.

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a coincidence!

       

                         

The Hypothetical List....

                                          

The wife and I have both created a hypothetical list of five people we would love to sleep with if we ever got the chance. (The chance being either ‘zero’ or ‘zilch’) She’s picked Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Harry Styles and Johnny Depp. I’ve gone for: Her younger sister, her second cousin, her best friend Felicity, our next-door neighbour's missus, or beautiful Brenda Baxter from the Broadbottom Butty Bar, known as the girl with the breathtaking baps. That’s when the fight started!

Yesterday, I was driving down Scropton Street and I thought I saw the singer Van Morrison in my rearview mirror; however, upon further inspection, it was a Morrisons Van. Luckily, I was on my way to Specsavers.

It was the same last weekend, as I peered out of my front window, I was certain that I spotted Suggs walking past my house. Could this be the first sign of Madness?

Church Notice: When you enter this church, it may be possible that you hear ‘The Call of God.’ However, it is most unlikely that He will call you on your mobile phone, so thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter a quiet corner and speak with Him. If you want to see him, then send Him a text while driving….

I tried to walk like an Egyptian yesterday, now I need to see a Cairo practitioner.

Fascinating Fact: Even if your house burned down, Royal Mail will still put a Farmfoods leaflet through your melted letterbox.

                                             

  

Barmy Albert and Willy Eckerslyke were sauntering down Elephant Lane when they saw a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Albert exclaims, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Willy sez: "Just ignore her. She’s an attention seeking narcissist." The voluptuous woman then gestures for him to come up to her council flat. Albert is besotted! He tells Willy, "Did you see that? She's infatuated with me!" Willy insists, "Albert, don't go up there!" Albert asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Willy pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Albert blanks him and sprints into the council block. The stunning woman seductively slinks down to greet him and they go up to her flat. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn parping outside. The woman looks out the window and shouts: "OH NO! It’s my husband!" "Gadzooks!" Albert exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." Because the husband stays home, Barmy Albert spends the entire day ironing. The very next day, Albert goes to Willy’s house and tells him the whole sad episode. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go," sighs Young Willy. "Let me tell you about all those clothes you spent all day ironing? I washed them the day before!" If Non-Stick Nora finds out, there’ll be ructions!

Top Tip: Brighten your day and cheer yourself up at the next funeral you attend by hiding a twenty quid note in your black suit.

                                         

RIP Ricky Hatton. He was a regular reader of this column, and we had many a chortle together on the after-dinner circuit. A true champ. There'll never be another.

Fascinating Facts, Top Tips and Thoughts for Thursdays Galore!

                                                                   

What a team! Lammy and Kiery! It’s just like Sid James and Kenneth Williams are doing a remake! ‘Carry On Kiery’ is now available on Amazon Prime (Minister) new series entitled ‘Starmer’s Slaphappy Shenanigans!’ featuring David Lammy singing the theme tune: “I Can See Kiery Now That Rayner’s Gone!” It all ends with Two-Tier Kier shouting: “Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

After Father Ted comedy writer Graham Linehan was arrested by five armed police officers at Heathrow Airport last week, for purportedly saying ‘hurty’ words on social network platform X, we truly know that the lunatics have actually taken over the asylum.

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the eulogy at her husband's funeral. She opined: “Tommy needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was sadly not on record. Anyway, the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know to save his life. Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so I only had time to hold his hand and say goodbye. I’ll always fondly recollect how supportive my Tommy was. Even as he was fading away, he kept whispering to me: Be Positive! Be Positive! That was my Tommy, right up to the very end, he was always thinking of others….”

Top Tip: If you want to be remembered after you die, then start borrowing money from everyone you know.

Church Notice: When you enter this church, it may be possible that you hear ‘The Call of God.’ However, it is most unlikely that He will call you on your mobile phone, so thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter and choose a quiet corner and talk to Him. If you want to see him, then send Him a text while driving….

When I was a kid, the hardest football pitch that I ever played on was made of crushed brick rubble, gravel and concrete. We won our first game 3-2 on aggregate.

After dredging the lake at the local golf club, Barmy Albert got on the 237 bus with both his trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat next to old Cissie Slopbouquet, who kept looking quizzically at his obviously bulging pockets. Finally, after many perplexed glances from her, Albert curtly informed her: “It’s golf balls!” Cissie gazed at him with a saturnine grimace and replied: “That must be very painful. I had tennis elbow once!”

Fascinating Fact: The world is made up of two population groups: The 1% or the 99%. You either belong to one or you are the one!
                               

Young Willy Eckerslyke struck up a conversation with an attractive young lady in The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied: "Have you not got a girlfriend? Guys like you always have girlfriends. "No. Sadly, we broke up just over a month ago," Willy assured her. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she says: "Go on then, I'll have a white wine spritzer, please.” A few drinks later, after a kiss and a cuddle, they both headed off back to her place and made mad passionate lurve, all night long. The following morning, while young Willy was putting his clothes back on, she exclaimed: "So, you're a good-looking, genuinely nice guy, and possess an amazing personality. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Willy admitted: "My wife found out."

I argued with the missus, and in a futile bid to exact some manner of revenge, I switched all the labels on her spice rack. I'm not in real trouble just yet, but the thyme is cumin. When I got back home the following day, she’d left me a note. She wrote: “I’m truly sorry about the argument last night. I have to work late tonight. Dinner is in the oven. You only have to light it. The gas is already turned on… xxx”

Thought for Thursday: Jokes about white sugar are rare; however, Jokes about brown sugar,
Demerara...

                                         

Roy Barraclough

 






Roy Barraclough was born 12th July 1935. He was a British comic actor best known for his role on Coronation Street as shifty Rovers Return Inn landlord and theatrical agent Alec Gilroy. Prior to his first appearance as Alec in June 1972, Roy had been cast in the programme four times previously:
A Speedwell Cavern Tour Guide in June 1965
Electric guitar Salesman in July 1967
Window cleaner I-spy Dwyer in June 1968
Restaurant diner Harry in June 1970
After appearing for several more episodes in April and May 1975, Alec Gilroy was made a permanent character on the Street in June 1986 when he became manager of the Graffiti Club, and he was soon married off to Bet Lynch in what was to become a popular partnership with viewers behind the Rovers bar.
Roy left the programme in September 1992, but returned briefly in July and August 1995. In the same year he appeared in Coronation Street - The Feature Length Special, and returned to the Street for one more stint as Alec from April 1996 to December 1998. Away from the cobbles, he is well-remembered for his 1970s comedy partnership with Les Dawson. He has also appeared in episodes of George & Mildred, Bergerac, Cadfael, Last of the Summer Wine and Holby City.
Roy was awarded the MBE in 2006 for his charity work. He passed away on 1st June 2017, after a short illness.

Another one of life's mysteries...

                                                      

Last night, I yanked out a couple of nose hairs, merely to ascertain if it would actually hurt. Judging by how fast the missus woke up screaming, I’m guessing the answer is YES!

I have good problem-solving skills, but my problem-creating skills are really where I excel.

How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your CV: "I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and no safety incidents."

Q) How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) None. They use gaslighting.



Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”

I hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

They reckon that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. I can partially agree with this statement, but WHICH people? Because it does matter immensely. What if they’re people like Kier Starmer? We’re all DOOMED!

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "This could be you one day!" So, I put the ten quid note back in my pocket just in case his prediction comes true!

                                 

Barmy Albert was standing at the base of a flagpole, looking skywards and perplexed, when Non-Stick Nora appeared and asked him what was troubling him. Albert told her that he was tasked with finding the exact height of the flagpole, but he didn’t have a suitable ladder. Nora took a spanner from her handbag, then loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked off. Albert shook his head and chortled: "Isn’t that a typical woman! I ask for the height and she gives me the length!"

                                              

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion spots him and thinks, “Hmm… never seen this creature before, but he looks edible.” The lion charges toward him. The dog panics, then notices some bones nearby. Thinking quickly, he shouts, “Wow, that was some good lion meat!” The lion freezes. “Whoa! This guy’s tougher than he looks. Better get out of here while I can.” Up in the tree, a monkey saw the whole thing and realized he could use it to his advantage. He told the lion the truth, hoping for a reward. The furious lion roared, “Get on my back, monkey! We’ll show this dog who’s boss.” As they approached, the dog saw them coming and shouted: “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion over an hour ago!”
                     


Another one of life's mysteries is why there is always a shop at the airport selling luggage. What kind of person is going on holiday, carrying armfuls of clothes and shouting: “I’ll pack when I get there!”



My grandad told me that he saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that the ship would sink; however, nobody listened to him. He was a brave man. He did not throw the towel in, he warned them on copious occasions, but to no avail. He was thoroughly downcast when they chucked him out of the cinema.

                       

  

A Roman centurion walks into a bar....

                                                        

One evening, Barmy Albert was out in the garage tinkering with his tools, happily welding a flange just for fun. Non-stick Nora appeared and leaned against his workbench, silently observing his every move. After a long pause, she sez: “Honey, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you stop spending so much time out here. You could sell the welding kit, your silly fishing rods, the golf clubs you hardly ever use, and honestly, that ancient old Harley could go too.” Albert froze, staring at her like she’d just been bobbing for apples in a chip pan. “What’s wrong, Albert?” she asked demurely. “Just then,” Albert opined, “You sounded exactly like my ex-wife.” Nora’s eyes widened. “EX-WIFE?! You never told me that you’d been married before!” Albert shrugged and said, “I haven’t.”

                                     


Pretend you’re in Coronation Street by having a clandestine affair with your husband’s brother, then get a cream cake from Roy’s Rolls after being arrested by Weatherfield Police on trumped-up charges of harassment, finally getting released from custody and being shot with an illegal firearm on the Red Rec, getting knocked over outside The Rovers Return, by Steve McDonald in his taxi. Tracy Barlow blackmails you for £10K. Then, shout: “Tara me ducks!” every twenty minutes. Come back, Jack and Vera. All is forgiven!



                                                       

 


A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barman, confused, enquires: "Perhaps you meant to say martini?" The centurion replies, "If I wanted two drinks, I would have said so”.



Fascinating Fact: Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.



Olympic hammer throwers and shot putters. After retiring from athletics, put your skills to good use by becoming a baggage handler at Manchester Airport.

                                                      

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear? A: Open toad.



I remember years ago, telling my Mum I'd won the "Leslie Nielsen" Award at school. "What that?" she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that's not important right now".



I always regret never learning another language at school. My poor knowledge of Greek has always been my Achilles Elbow.



A bloke phoned my agency and asked me: “How much to hire a church singing group?” I replied: “You mean a Choir?” He sez: “Right! How much to acquire a church singing group?”



I signed up for one of those Zoom Workout Classes; however, it was far too advanced for me. When the instructor said, “Do a plank, then bring your knee to the opposite elbow.” I did my own modified version. I switched off the computer and went and made myself two bacon and egg butties in the kitchenette. I plan to ketchup later.
                                                          

The missus left me a note on the fridge. It read: “It’s not working, so I’ve gone to my mothers.” I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella and it was perfectly chilled! Moreover, it was printed on the side of the can: “Best drunk in August 2025.” I’d like to thank the beer company for this most prestigious award.



Meanwhile, in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, Sharon, the blonde barmaid, asked young Willy Eckerslyke if he had any children. Young Willy replied: “Yes. I have one that’s just under two.” Sharon was most offended. She sez: “I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!”

                                       


Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires what was the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”



I just hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!