Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “That pub over the road has a sign up saying: ‘No mobile phones. Pretend it’s 1973’. Albert replied: “Well, you’ll never guess what I did.” Nora asked him: What did you do then?” Albert sez: “I walked up to the bar and gave him 17p for a pint and lit a cigarette.”
In days of yore, soldiers used a wooden horse to infiltrate their enemy's territory. However, in modern times, it's been simplified to an inflatable dinghy and good weather!
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The meeting suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a bloke at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
To the scurrilous individual who dumped a mattress in my front garden yesterday, I don't know how you sleep at night.
Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were shopping in Tesco. Albert picks up a case of Stella Artois and puts it in their shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks Nora. "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them." Demands Nora, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, Nora picks up a £30 jar of anti-wrinkle face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Albert. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies Nora. Barmy Albert retorts: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price." On the PA system: 'Clean-up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'
Thursday Thought: You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do. Don’t ask meow!
I got a loaf and some milk from Aldi. They were an impulse buy because I only went in for an angle grinder and a two-man tent.
This bloke walks up Scropton Streett and flags down a passing taxi. "Perfect timing," he tells the driver. "You're just like Tommy," "Who?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with Tiger Woods. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy," says the driver. "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He was a connoisseur of wine and a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a guy!" “He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. Nobody could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his widow."
My Sat-Nav has stopped speaking to me. It’s sent me to Coventry. They’ve brought a new Sat-Nav out now for octogenarians. When you get to where you’re going, it tells you what you went for! You can download different voices, too. I downloaded Bonny Tyler. Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart.
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly, you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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