The Tools, Accounts and Internet Options Farrago...

 

                                                        

Breaking News: the Devon & Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled as they couldn't decide whether The Jam or Cream should go first. I was supposed to be helping Cat Stevens repair his caravanette. Awning has broken…

Q) What's red and keeps going: "Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep?"

A) The Liverpool FC open top parade bus reversing back into the garage.



Any recommendations for music to listen to while I’m fishing? Preferably summat catchy. If you have any ideas, then let minnow.

Yesterday, I caught the missus going through the neighbour’s bins. She's not nosey, just terrible at parking. She’s a nosey-parker.

I have just purchased a new sofa and chair. The salesman at the furniture store told me: "This sofa will seat five people, without any problems." I sez: "I don’t know five people without any problems, all my family and friends are totally unhinged.”

Saturday morning, Barmy Albert got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped silently into the garage, hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a tempestuous down pouring of rain. The wind was blowing at fifty miles per hour, so he reappraised his options and reversed back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be horrendous all day. He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed and cuddled up to Non-Stick Nora, now with a different anticipation and whispered: "The weather out there is terrible." Nora replied: "Can you believe my stupid husband has gone out fishing in that?" That's when the fight started!

                         

  

I’d been in bed for twenty minutes, before I realised that I’d just gone upstairs for a pen. Moreover, over many years I've bought maybe two hundred or more fridge magnets. Should I buy a fridge or fridge freezer to put them on?

Benefits of serving green tea to guests: 1) you look sophisticated and wealthy. 2) You save on milk. 3) They won't ask for more. 4) They won't come again. Result!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Donald Trump. Donald Trump who? Perfect... you're on the jury.



I phoned BT technical services last week because of a PC problem and he asked me if I was in front of my computer. I affirmed this, he then asked me to: “Right click on tools, accounts, internet options, then properties.” I told him he was going too fast. He then asked me: “Sorry. What have you done up to now?” I replied: “I’ve written click…”



The weather has been frightful of late and shows no sign of improvement. I’d like to thank my neighbour for placing a cover over my car last night, when it was frosty. Ta, Pauline.



Many folk come from the “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you something.” Generation. Whereas, I’m from the: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you summat to cry about!” generation. We are not the same.



Fascinating Fact: My three worst subjects at skool were spilling and moths.

                                           

 



Olaf the Viking is shopping in Tesco, when he encounters octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle on her zimmer frame, almost in tears. “Wassup?” asks Olaf. “Oh!” sobs Elsie, I want to have a shufty at the frozen puddings, but as you can see, there’s two steps down into the chiller cabinets.” “Don’t worry.” sez Olaf, as he lifted her onto his back “I’ll take you.” Olaf then proceeds to saunter through the chiller cabinets, with Elsie on his back. She selects several puddings and places them in the basket that Olaf is carrying for her. At the opposite end, Elsie’s husband Tommy is waiting, with her zimmer frame. “I’d really like to thank you very much.” Says Elsie. “But I don’t even know who you are!” Olaf merely gives her the thumbs-up and wanders off. Tommy Grabknuckle declares: “I was very worried about you. What have you been doing?” with all the dignity that she could muster, Elsie told him: “I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse, with no name….”



You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Barmy Albert discovered this when he had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.’ He stormed in to Non-Stick Nora, and announced: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make mad passionate love, then afterwards, you are going to run me a bubbly bath so I can relax, meditate and contemplate. You will then wash my back with that new loofah and towel me dry and bring me my dressing gown. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” Nora replied: “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

                   

  

That was the weeks that was.......

 

This is good. But is it Art?

 

                                             

I've been helping my old mate Art Garfunkel update and modernise his antiquated kitchenette. The wooden floor had dry rot, so we decided to rip it all out and replace it with a concrete floor. We were shovelling  all the concrete down for the floor, but unfortunately copious amounts of air pockets appeared in it and it was all uneven and skewiff. Luckily, Art had ordered many brand-new white goods items for the new kitchenette, so I ended up dragging one over the top to conceal the bumpy surface. Now, he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.

While I was at Art’s council maisonette, who should pop in to help us mix the concrete, but my other bosom buddy and Art’s erstwhile partner Paul Simon. As we were shovelling the sand and cement into the mixer, I asked him: “Paul, just remind me, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” he replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Okay. Al, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” Paul Simon helping us was a big mistake, because later on, we realised that the concrete floor had begun Slip, Sliding Away. I told him that the mix was three of sand and one of cement, but as all these pop icons seem to do, he insisted on a re-mix.

Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals sauntered in to assist with the project. He told me that he might be moving permanently to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there. When he spotted the wonky concrete floor he started laughing and began singing: “This Is The House That Jack Built.”    .” I was unaware that Alan had brought Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear with him. The bear started tap-dancing on the wet concrete, leaving a trail of footprints and exacerbating the poor condition of the floor surface. Simon Smith enticed the bear out of the area with a piece of cheese. The cheese was Camembert. (Geddit?)

Mark Knopfler called in as well! He was carrying a large ornate picture frame and a bag of chips. Art Garfunkel asked him: "Where’ve you been all day?" Mark replies, "They asked me to open the new art museum and if I'd do it, they sez that I can have a rare French impressionist painting, then I called in the chippy on the way here." "How much cash did you spend today then?” Asked Paul Simon "Absolutely nowt!" exclaimed Mark, "They were all avid Dire Straits fans. I got the Monet for nothin' and the chips were free."

While we were buying the sand and cement in B & Q, we bumped into Bono from U2. He was wandering around aimlessly and appeared to be a tad disorientated. I asked him why he was going up and down every aisle and tut-tutting. He sez: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For...”

Outside on the car park, there was an Abba tribute band playing. They were excessively loud. You could hear the drums from Nando’s. You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you certainly can with a tribute band. I often wonder if Steve and Dave had formed the band instead of Benny and Björn, would they have called it ASDA?

It was fantastic seeing all my old mates. All their respective songs are timeless and the music perennial. I just can’t get into the music of today. I’ve always thought that Arianna Grande was a font!

The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?

Famous Quotes: “To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre. “Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

Gerry Marsden sang: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” I’ve been to Liverpool quite a few times and I must say that it’s very good advice.

Fascinating Fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the chorus to Old McDonald Had A Farm…

Could all my readers who signed up for my yodelling lesson classes, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.....

 I decided to download a sexy female voice onto my Sat-Nav to accompany me on the tedious journeys that I have to undertake, constantly criss-crossing the tarmacadam infrastructure of the UK motorway network. It was the worst thing I could have done.  I downloaded Bonnie Tyler.  Now it keeps telling me to “Turn Around.”  And every now and then, it falls apart, plus I got lost in France.

Next time you’re up Scropton Street back snicket, then pop into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub and raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!

                                          

Awareness Awareness Week....

 

                                                     

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. This accusation is patently absurd. Primarily because I didn't even know it was her birthday! She was also most upset because I don’t buy her flowers anymore. To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers! Last year, she wanted me to take her to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean, but I got it all so very wrong. Dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t exactly what she anticipated. She also told me: “You can get me anything from The Body Shop.” So, I got her a front-nearside wing for a Ford Focus. Yes, you’ve guessed. It was the wrong colour!

                                            

I entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day? Then annoy Specsavers staff by wandering up to their counter squinting your eyes whilst looking up behind them. When they ask if they can help you say: "Big Mac and fries please!"

Riddle me this: How come there's enough tarmac to make speed humps, but not enough to fill pot holes?

Non-Stick Nora advised Barmy Albert: "There are no such thing as problems, only opportunities.” Albert sez; "That's fantastic! Because this afternoon, I have a serious drinking opportunity." Barmy Albert was celebrating a bargain purchase that he'd made last week. He bought a 14lb lump hammer for £3.

                                               

The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a £100 into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Because I don't know how to navigate the social networking platform known as X (Formerly Twitter) I now carry around a mega phone and announce what I’m doing at random times during each day. I have three followers so far and two of those are police officers.

The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune times. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!

I called the vet and told him: “The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?” “Sure” he said, ‘but will your cat find the way back home alone?’”

The man who invented ‘auto correct’ died last week. His funfair will be healed on Sundial. I must confess that auto correct really gets on my nerves. It makes Hugh sail sum thong ewe diddly Nintendo…

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                             

Too much information....

                                             

The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently sez: “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started...

All these wretched potholes are driving me doo-lally. We used to drive on the left of the road, nowadays, we drive on what’s left of the road!

If you’re ever with me and someone comes up to us and starts talking and I fail to introduce you, it’s strictly because I cannot remember their name. So, please feel free to be astounding and introduce yourself, in order that I can then hear their name and pretend that I knew it all along. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                 

  

Hypothetically, just imagine if we all existed in a world where all cars were electric vehicles, when suddenly, along comes a brand new invention called the "Internal Combustion Engine"! Think how well they would sell: A vehicle half the weight, half the price that will almost quarter the damage done to the road. A mode of transport that can be refuelled in one tenth of the time and has a range of up to four times the distance in all weather conditions. It does not rely on the environmentally damaging use of non-renewable rare earth elements to power it, and use far less steel and other materials. Just think how excited folk would be for such advanced technology, it would sell like hot cakes! Moreover, statistics now tell us that 88% of electric cars are still on the road. The other 12% actually made it home! Electric cars: A plan that dosen’t work to remedy a problem that dosen’t exist….

I fondly recollect going to Blackpool for our summer holidays in my dad's company vehicle. It took us over three weeks to get there. He was a milkman. His name was Ernie.

Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street languishing in his local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, when Non-Stick Nora asked him: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" He informed her: "An end to all this Rwanda gubbins, maybe a general election in May, get all these potholes mended. Perhaps, a nice Bank Holiday with some sunny weather, more money and for the cost of living to go down." "No!" exclaimed Nora patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for the mother-in-law to emigrate to a far pavilion and for the Tory government to become a distant memory!" "What's it to be?" exclaims Nora, less patiently. "Labour or Liberal Democrats, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez Nora, now impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," Albert opined, I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez Nora. "I had a full medical last week and the doctor reckons that I'm perfectly healthy."

Two good deeds done yesterday. Firstly, I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used. Then in Lidl, an old lady at the checkout was in trouble. Her bill was £51-32 and after she’d counted out all her change, she only had £49-80. She didn’t want my assistance, bless her, but in just a couple of minutes, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

                             

  

In America, you can drive for over four hours and you’re still in the same part of the country, because it’s so vast. Whereas, in the United Kingdom, if you drive for two hours, the local accent has changed twice and bread rolls have a different name.

Different dialects are part of the UK’s identity. A Yorkshire bloke goes to the vet and sez: “I’d like to get me cat neutered.” The vet asks him: “Is it a Tom?” The bloke replies: “No. It’s here in this cardboard box….” The same Yorkshire fella goes into the jewellers and asks him: “Can thee make me a gold statue of me dog?” The jeweller sez: “Dust thy want it eighteen carat?” Fella replies: “No. I’ll avvit chewin’ a bone…”

On the same subject. Two Geordie blokes were talking. One sez: “Whenever I lift me arm up and sniff, it stinks of coconuts.” The other Geordie replied: “Why aye. It’s Bounty!

If you haven't accomplished anything so far in your life, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. However, you should consider your past track record. I was a failure in the boom era, so I now find myself on the crest of a slump. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me; comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!