Therapist sought....

 

                             

After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful. I start a week last Monday.



Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Barmy Albert replies, 'God and I are okay.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.' ' “Wow, that's incredible.”' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' “Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's pissin’ in the fridge again!”

                                  

I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I replied, "Right! Mascara it is then....."



At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable! " A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said: "What she really said was: 666 136 429".



Can you help? I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark and yap a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll hop over next door's fence and get it for you.

                   

Whilst languishing in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, the landlord was regaling me with copious anecdotes. He told me that his dad bought his first car from the notorious Kray twins! I sez: "What Reg?" Albert replied: “No, Ronnie I think..."



Have you ever committed a faux pas? I once asked Medusa if she'd just had her hair done. Well, if looks could kill!





Going into a teenagers bedroom, is just like a trip to IKEA. You pop in, just to have a quick shufty around and end up leaving with six cups, a variety of plates, three bowls, copious amount of cutlery and a tea towel!




                                                         

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

 

                          

Frankie's Tallywacker....

 

A middle-aged man and woman, both in their early 50's, walk into the office of Dr Warwick Hunt, a sex therapist. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”   The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”  The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a mature couple are asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.  When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.   A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.  The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.  This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.  Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”  The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything.  She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges  £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”

        

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his tallywacker today behind the bike sheds!"  Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."  Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"  Sally replied, "No... Salty."

 

I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they use in the shower. 98% of them said "How the f**k did you get in here??"

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I’m dropping this solid gold coin into this glass of acid.   Will it dissolve?"  "No, sir," a student called out.  "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the gold coin won’t dissolve."  "Because if it would, you wouldn’t have dropped it in."

 

                                      

 

Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!