Tier 4 Pandemic Party Games....

                                     

Ova Chrithmuth, four sum hunone reezun hive nevva yett wun an gaim of skrabel...

 

Greggs will add the Covid vaccine ingredients into their pastry.     It will be rolled out this week...
   

 
Some Tier 4 Christmas Party games to help you through the crisis:

Musical Chair.

Hold the Parcel.

Hide.

Monotony.

For more adult tastes: put your car keys in a bowl.

                         

Just when we all see some light at the end of the tunnel, Boris orders more tunnel...

A random woman buttonholed Non-Stick Nora in the local Co-op and haughtily announced: - “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask!” Nora gazed at the harridan with a saturnine grimace and replied: - “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are....”

There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garibaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!

                                               Meanwhile, at the French side of Euro Tunnel...

A policeman pulled Barmy Albert over on Christmas Eve. He curtly informed him: "You've got no tax or insurance, furthermore, your front nearside tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, you are not wearing a seatbelt!" Albert replied: "I'll see you tomorrow then...." "What's that supposed to mean?" asked the copper. Albert sez: "Hang on a minute, officer, I'm on the phone."

I sez to the missus: “Oi Fishface! What do ya want for Christmas?” She shouted:”Don’t get lippy!” I replied: “Right! Mascara it is then!”

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...

My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."

While my neighbour, Barmy Albert was away visiting relatives last Christmas, I was tasked with looking after his pet snake. However, it escaped and crawled into our chest freezer and subsequently perished. I was so worried; I asked Non-Stick Nora how I could explain this unfortunate occurrence to Albert. She replied: “Just give it to him straight!” That’s when the fight started!

Last year, I bought my daughter Suzie an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App. I can’t shut it off either, it just keeps on and on...

                             

A Viking named Rudolph the Red woke up one morning, he gazed out of the window, then declared: “It’s gonna be chuckin’ it down all day today!” His missus asked him: “But how do you know that?” He replied: “Coz, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear....”

To see what's on the BBC this Christmastide, get yourself a copy of the Radio Times from 1976, or thereabouts.

 

                                 

 

Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man:

1. No dress sense whatsoever.

2. Never replies to your letters.

3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.

4. Big beer belly.

5. Will only commit to one day a year.

6. Obsessed with stockings.

7. He never stops to ask for directions.

8. Too bone idle to shave.

9. He always wears the same outfit.

10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterwards.

You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All through the meal the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Riddle me this: You have 78 Christmas prezzies. First, subtract your age. Then add 40. That is the year that you were born. Fascinating!

                                                                  

I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.


I was given a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody for Chistmas. The picture quality really was quite appalling. All that I could see was a little silhouette of a man....

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."



I sez to the missus, “Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year.” She replied, “I hope it isn’t the 13th!”

                                             

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”


These two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

 

                                   

At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

Visit my Christmas Joky-Bloggington! Click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Have a cool Yule folks!

                                 

Christmas countdown to lockdown and the 3rd New Year wave!!

                                         

Yet another lockdown argument.  The missus left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted!”  Well, she’s wholly misinterpreted everything. Because I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. Furthermore, I can’t help having big toes.   Apart from “Fine” what other death threats do women use?

Today, we should all remind ourselves that the people who are prohibiting us all from working are still receiving their regular wages, while we sadly await scraps of leftover, rotting offal being hurled at us from their burgeoning and grossly overladen table.

A further reminder is that if perchance you are considering leaving Santa an alcoholic drink by the fireside on Christmas Eve, then it must be accompanied by a substantial meal, such as a Scotch egg.

Two pigs talking in a field and one pig sez to the other: “ I’m really excited.  I’ve heard that we’re getting blankets for Christmas!”

Took the family to see the socially-distanced pantomime at the local civic hall. All the kids were shouting “He’s two metres behind you!”

Non-Stick Nora curtly informed Barmy Albert: “You’ve got no idea what is in that there Covid vaccine!” as she purchased 40 beefburgers for £5 at Scropton Street Food-Mart.

If you're buying fireworks for New Years Eve, always check the sell by date. The last ones I bought went off.

                                              

1. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.

3. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

5. Why did the Long John Silver and Blackbeard have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen.

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you.

7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have.

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go to Jail.

12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.

Thought for Thursday: “A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.”  “And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist. It’s called prison.”

                                 

Advent calendars days are numbered...

                                 

                

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas.  Sorry.  Incorrect punctuation.  I’m giving up.  Drinking until Christmas. 

 

It’s a good decision.  Think about it. Someone ate an apple and we were born. Someone scoffed a bat, now we’re all gonna die. Eating is the problem, not drinking!

                                                    

I went to buy a fake Christmas tree.  The bloke in the shop asked me: “Are you gonna put it up yourself?” I sez: “No. It’s for in the living room….”

 

Have you ever noticed that most folk won’t take the time to look up important information, but they’ll spend an half hour taking a stupid quiz on Facebook in order to ascertain what kind of potato they are?   

                                            

I'm on a lockdown pork and salmon diet. I eat like a pig and drink like a fish. I do however, light up the room.  Just as soon as I move away from the window…

 

I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual...

 

All the non-essential shops have reopened last week. The missus was going shopping. She sez “Is there anything you don’t want?”

                                              

Because we’re now in December, we need to start locating the end of the sellotape.and to put the sprouts on a low light.  We’re having a Brexit Christmas dinner this year. No Brussels!

 

Aren’t some folk strange! They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like.

 

I’m so broke that I opened the door on my advent calendar and a bailiff was stood there. The way the economy is going, I sincerely reckon that advent calendars days are numbered…

                                      

1) Open a new file on your computer. 2) Save it as "Boris Johnson". 3)  Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4)  Empty the Recycle Bin. 5) Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Boris Johnson'?" 6)  Firmly click "Yes".  Feel better?  Next week, we’ll get rid of Matt Hancock and Michael Gove.

 

Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied:  "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:  "No, but he always wanted to be."

 

Find the secret Christmas message: A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z.

                                      

Yesterday morning, I spotted my neighbour actually talking to her cat. It was painfully obvious that she genuinely thought that the feline understood her every word! I came back into my house and told my little dog Alfie all about this and we both fell about laughing!

 

Top Tips: Treat your face mask exactly like your undercrackers. 1) Do not touch or adjust in public. 2) Ensure the fit is tight, but comfy. 3) Do not wear anyone elses. 4) Make sure it’s clean. 5) If damp, change it. 6) DON’T go commando! Now assume a comical position and strike da pose!

                                      

Christmas Dinner Rehearsal!

                                      

2020. The Movie!  At a shut-down cinema near you. Written by Stephen King. Directed by Quentin Tarantino and music by Yoko Ono.  What a terrible year. We knew it would all end in Tiers! Not being awkward, just asking. If you were in Tier 2 and buy a substantial meal and a pint in a pub. Drink the pint, but leave the meal. Can you get fined for not eating? I’m getting really fed up with this entire lockdown lark now. I’m starting to miss people that I don’t even like!  Anyone got any idea what shift Covid is on next week?

 

Had a saunter through Manor Park over the weekend. It was murder trying to get Boris Johnson and Chris Whitty off the slides.

If you are unsure about government advice on the meaning of tiers, then read below for clarification:-
Tier 1 = Lotsa beers.
Tier 2 = A beer and some chips.
Tier 3 = No beer whatsoever.

 

                                   

Moreover, a superb concept for a new TV reality programme could be: “I’m in Tier 3 - Get me out of here!”

I have recently discovered that the main function of your little toe is to make sure all your furniture is in the right place.

Doncha just hate it when you spot an old person and then realise that you both went to primary school together!

Riddle me this: Is it possible for an agoraphobic to have an outgoing personality?  

Whilst Christmas shopping, I ordered four Kindles from Amazon. They’ve only gone and sent me a Two Ronnies DVD!  Well, it’s goodnight from me....

I wonder if Lewis Hamilton receives a Knighthood, is it him or the Queen who is expected to kneel? 

 

                

To combat lockdown blues, I’m putting a can of beer in every room of the house tonight and pretending I’m going on a pub crawl. Can anyone else remember when cars didn't have cup holders and you had to drive with the beer between your knees? Halcyon daze!

Non-Stick Nora reminded Barmy Albert of the phrase “You are what you eat,” as he sat there with nuts, crackers and fruitcake.

So you enter a pub wearing a mask. Sanitise your hands. Sign in to track and trace and are taken through a one way system to a table that is socially distanced. The table is sanitised before you sit down. Your order is taken. The server sanitises their hands, then gets a sterilised glass and pours a drink.  The drink is brought to you and the mask may be taken off.  When finished the glass is collected, hands sanitised or gloves removed and washed.  The masks are replaced. Payment is taken and the terminal is sanitised before and after use.   The one way system is followed out of the venue. Go and look at a supermarket and tell me again how hospitality is the problem. The hairdresser and beauty shops are shut, but the dentist and optician are open.  Talk about stupid rules!   It is what it is, so it is.

 

                                           

 

I get lockdown, but I get up again....

                                                 

Yet another lockdown argument.  The missus left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted!”  Well, she’s wholly misinterpreted everything. Because I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. Furthermore, I can’t help having big toes.   Apart from “Fine” what other death threats do women use?

Barmy Albert told Non Stick Nora that he liked Beyonce.  Nora sez: "Whatever floats your boat" Albert replied: "No. That's buoyancy…"

 It’s sadly all a far cry from the halcyon days that I have celebrated in showbiz past. Indeed, many moons ago, I formed an eclectic association when Bing Crosby, Don Henley, Mary Hopkin and Lee Marvin asked me to join them to sing Christmas Carols. It was a most exclusive group. Just Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I…

The wife sez that I am the last person on her list that she would want to hurt. What I find disconcerting about this statement is: A) She already has a list. B) That I am on it!

 

 With all this climate change gubbins going on, I’ve decided to write a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. Of course, it’s only a draft at the moment.

 

More vet fees! My little dog Alfie has developed an ingrowing tail. I have to X-Ray him every day to see if he's happy or not! He's very mischievous.  Last night, he ate all the Scrabble tiles.  his next poo could spell disaster.

 

A bank is robbed by the same bank robber for the third time in a month. "Did you notice anything unusual about the robber?" asks a detective. "Yes," says the bank clerk. "He was wearing nicer clothes every time."

                                        

Everything has been cancelled this year. I haven’t worked since March 14^th. Last year, things were very different. I appeared as dame in pantomime and I had a Wigan address.

 

I was also best man at Barmy Alberts second wedding last year.  It didn’t go very well at all. Especially when I opened my after-dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone…”

 

 

 Some of these young Millennial whippersnappers treat their respective partners and Apple iPhones in very much the same manner. When they get a brand new one, it's all they can think about, consuming their entire animate existence by wanting to play with it all the time and cannot imagine not being with it on a constant basis. Then after about a year or so, it's still there and a part of their everyday life, but they'll start getting a tad bored with it and start thinking about other newer and more state-of-the art units. After seeing their peers go through several futuristic generations, they'll compare models and decide whether to stick with the one they already have, or get an upgrade. Some folk even keep their old one knocking around for a bit because it does things that the new one doesn't do, but once the new model accomplishes these tasks, then the old one becomes a thing of the past. Up the Apps! Technology, doncha just love it!

 

Yesterday, Parcelforce rang the doorbell.  He sez, "I've got a parcel for next door."   I looked at him and replied, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."....

 

                                               

"T.V. has gone full circle....Years ago the public used to sit and watch entertainers on the telly....Now, entertainers sit indoors and watch the public on T.V."    Brian Conley.

Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  I get lockdown, but I get up again! Wahay!  You can email me!  comedianuk@sky.com    

The Covid-19 Trials in NoMovember...

                                 

I must confess that when I saw the news with Dom Cummings leaving Number 10 with a cardboard box, I thought it was the new John Lewis advert!

 

With both Dominic Cummings and Lee Cain making a swift exit last week, it looks like Boris Johnson will be our new Prime Minister!

                              

Boris has heard that the Coronavirus can be killed by pastry. If the trials are successful it'll be rolled out across the rest of the country in time for Christmas.  You may think that this concept is flaky and pie in the sky, but we really do knead this.  I’m here all week folks!

    

Last November, everyone grew a moustache and it was called Movember. I'm not bothering with all that gubbins this year, so I'm calling it NoMovember, or November for short...

                              

Thought for Thursday: You're a work of art. Not everyone will understand you but, the ones that do, will never forget about you.

 

Hey guys, listen up! If you think that women is mad at you, then just tell her that she is overreacting and she’ll calm right down immediately. For your further information, there’s an A & E in Tameside....

 

Two Scousers talking.  One sez: “We had a terrible fire at our house and we lost everything and then this Covid lark started and I lost my job, but luckily, the insurance paid out for the fire and I’m okay for money now.  How you doin’?”  The other Scouser sez: “I lost me job through Coronavirus and then our house got flooded in October and we lost all our possessions, but last week, the insurance paid out, so we’re flush for cash now!”  The first Scouser replied: “Flood?  How’d ya start a flood?”

                               

            

Fascinating Fact: It must be said that being twenty in the 70’s was much more fun that being seventy in the 20’s.  I’m nowhere near 70 yet, however, if I drop summat on the floor, before picking it up, I consider whether I could do without that particular item for the rest of my remaining days...

 

I sauntered into Scropton Street Car Mart showroom last night. I approached the salesman, "My missus would like to chat with you about the Reliant Robin in your window." He replied:  "We do not have a Reliant Robin the window." I sez:  "You have now..."

                                   

The wife has been missing for over a week now.  The local police have told me to prepare for the worst, so I’ve had to go to the charity shop yesterday and get all her clothes back.

 

Barmy Albert went for a job up Scropton Street abattoir and the manager asked him:  "How do you explain this four year gap on your CV?”. Albert replied:  "That’s when I went to Yale." The manager sez: "Wow! That’s impressive! I’m gonna give you a start.  You’re hired." Albert replied: “Thank you very much, sir. I really need this yob...”

 

 

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light?   Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com  Email me: comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work.