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Saturday 21 November 2020

I get lockdown, but I get up again....


Yet another lockdown argument.  The missus left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted!”  Well, she’s wholly misinterpreted everything. Because I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. Furthermore, I can’t help having big toes.   Apart from “Fine” what other death threats do women use?

Barmy Albert told Non Stick Nora that he liked Beyonce.  Nora sez: "Whatever floats your boat" Albert replied: "No. That's buoyancy…"

 It’s sadly all a far cry from the halcyon days that I have celebrated in showbiz past. Indeed, many moons ago, I formed an eclectic association when Bing Crosby, Don Henley, Mary Hopkin and Lee Marvin asked me to join them to sing Christmas Carols. It was a most exclusive group. Just Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I…

The wife sez that I am the last person on her list that she would want to hurt. What I find disconcerting about this statement is: A) She already has a list. B) That I am on it!


 With all this climate change gubbins going on, I’ve decided to write a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. Of course, it’s only a draft at the moment.


More vet fees! My little dog Alfie has developed an ingrowing tail. I have to X-Ray him every day to see if he's happy or not! He's very mischievous.  Last night, he ate all the Scrabble tiles.  his next poo could spell disaster.


A bank is robbed by the same bank robber for the third time in a month. "Did you notice anything unusual about the robber?" asks a detective. "Yes," says the bank clerk. "He was wearing nicer clothes every time."


Everything has been cancelled this year. I haven’t worked since March 14th. Last year, things were very different. I appeared as dame in pantomime and I had a Wigan address.


I was also best man at Barmy Alberts second wedding last year.  It didn’t go very well at all. Especially when I opened my after-dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone…”



 Some of these young Millennial whippersnappers treat their respective partners and Apple iPhones in very much the same manner. When they get a brand new one, it's all they can think about, consuming their entire animate existence by wanting to play with it all the time and cannot imagine not being with it on a constant basis. Then after about a year or so, it's still there and a part of their everyday life, but they'll start getting a tad bored with it and start thinking about other newer and more state-of-the art units. After seeing their peers go through several futuristic generations, they'll compare models and decide whether to stick with the one they already have, or get an upgrade. Some folk even keep their old one knocking around for a bit because it does things that the new one doesn't do, but once the new model accomplishes these tasks, then the old one becomes a thing of the past. Up the Apps! Technology, doncha just love it!


Yesterday, Parcelforce rang the doorbell.  He sez, "I've got a parcel for next door."   I looked at him and replied, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."....



"T.V. has gone full circle....Years ago the public used to sit and watch entertainers on the telly....Now, entertainers sit indoors and watch the public on T.V."    Brian Conley.

Visit my website and continue the quest!  I get lockdown, but I get up again! Wahay!  You can email me!    

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