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Saturday 5 December 2020

Advent calendars days are numbered...



I’m giving up drinking until Christmas.  Sorry.  Incorrect punctuation.  I’m giving up.  Drinking until Christmas. 


It’s a good decision.  Think about it. Someone ate an apple and we were born. Someone scoffed a bat, now we’re all gonna die. Eating is the problem, not drinking!


I went to buy a fake Christmas tree.  The bloke in the shop asked me: “Are you gonna put it up yourself?” I sez: “No. It’s for in the living room….”


Have you ever noticed that most folk won’t take the time to look up important information, but they’ll spend an half hour taking a stupid quiz on Facebook in order to ascertain what kind of potato they are?   


I'm on a lockdown pork and salmon diet. I eat like a pig and drink like a fish. I do however, light up the room.  Just as soon as I move away from the window…


I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual...


All the non-essential shops have reopened last week. The missus was going shopping. She sez “Is there anything you don’t want?”


Because we’re now in December, we need to start locating the end of the sellotape.and to put the sprouts on a low light.  We’re having a Brexit Christmas dinner this year. No Brussels!


Aren’t some folk strange! They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like.


I’m so broke that I opened the door on my advent calendar and a bailiff was stood there. The way the economy is going, I sincerely reckon that advent calendars days are numbered…


1) Open a new file on your computer. 2) Save it as "Boris Johnson". 3)  Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4)  Empty the Recycle Bin. 5) Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Boris Johnson'?" 6)  Firmly click "Yes".  Feel better?  Next week, we’ll get rid of Matt Hancock and Michael Gove.


Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied:  "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:  "No, but he always wanted to be."


Find the secret Christmas message: A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z.


Yesterday morning, I spotted my neighbour actually talking to her cat. It was painfully obvious that she genuinely thought that the feline understood her every word! I came back into my house and told my little dog Alfie all about this and we both fell about laughing!


Top Tips: Treat your face mask exactly like your undercrackers. 1) Do not touch or adjust in public. 2) Ensure the fit is tight, but comfy. 3) Do not wear anyone elses. 4) Make sure it’s clean. 5) If damp, change it. 6) DON’T go commando! Now assume a comical position and strike da pose!


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