The Axe Murderer....

I cleared out my grandmother’s house yesterday, I put all the good stuff on eBay and I took the rest down to the car boot sale and some to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market. You should have seen her face when she got back from Bingo!

                               

I was peering over the fence at the neighbour's derriere yesterday, until the missus appeared. "Nice view?" she said icily. "Eh?" I stammered, "Yeah right. I just thought her next door had the same bikini bottoms as you, darling." "And does she?" she shot back, arms folded, and face like a bulldog, chewing a wasp. "Almost" I sez, "But they're about three sizes smaller...." That’s when the argument started!


                      

This bloke stuck his head in the barbers shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut, mate?" The hairdresser gazed around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same fella stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Albert. Do me a favour. Follow that bloke and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, his friend returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Barmy Albert looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your house."

                          

The missus picked me up from the airport last week. I asked her: "Have you valeted this car?" She replied: "No, why?" I told her: "It stinks of Shake ‘n Vac" She replied: "You cheeky devil. That's my perfume!"



                         

Thought for Thursday: If an egg is broken by an outside force, then life ends. If is it broken by an inside force, then life begins. Great things only happen from the inside!


                          

I had a really awful time, yesterday. In the morning, I got assaulted by a medieval poet, and then in the afternoon, I accidentally slipped on a hot-dog!. Things just went from Bard to Wurst. Anyway, I digress. Why not visit my webbensiten? Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and visit my world famous Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                             

The Crocs....

                              

I said to the Librarian, "Have you got any books on Paranoia?" She said "Yes, they’re behind you!" I ended getting a book called ‘Childish Retorts’ by Ewan Hoozami. Fascinating!

                                          

How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard, please. I’ve been that, done there and got the tea bag.



I went to get my tests results from the doctors today, He said, “I have good news and bad news.” I said "So, what’s the good news?” “Well,” he replied, “You’re not a hypochondriac!” I asked him if he treated alcoholics, he confirmed that did. I sez: “Well lend us a tenner, I’m skint!”



The condition of the man, who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic yesterday, is said to be improving. However, he's not out of the woods yet....

                                              

Tommy and Elsie Grabknuckle were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Tommy would shout, "When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours despised the curmudgeonly Tommy; however, he wallowed in the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Elsie's neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Elsie replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions." Typical bloke eh?



                                   

I attended a wedding at the weekend. I whispered to the geezer next to me, "That must be the ugliest bride I have ever seen?" "Do you mind, that's my daughter you're talking about!" "I'm terribly sorry; I had no idea that you were her father..." I sez. "I'm not!" came the curt reply, "I'm her mother!"



Thought for Thursday: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than: "I quit halfway through a marathon"



Barmy Albert’s new girlfriend told him that she would like to wait six months before they make love and he fully understood and respected her decision. He said to her last night that he would contact her again in six months time...

                              

This summer, are you being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and stuff yourself behind a relaxing computer so you can tell all your pals
about this gloppy humour column. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it. Tel them to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com  Or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                       

The Errand....

The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said,”I walked here," "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."


                                 

The Tameside Police were given orders from the Chief Constable to sort out any loutish or drunken behaviour in the town centre. On Friday night, a paralytic Barmy Albert staggered towards a copper and said, "Excushe me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "Its one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. "Jeepers!" sez Albert. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago."


                                           

Little Jimmy and Jemima are only ten years old, but they know they are in love. It’s like that when you’re kids! One day they decide that they want to get married, so Jimmy goes to Jemima's dad to ask him for her hand. Jimmy bravely walks up to him and says,”Mr. Scroggins, me and Jemima are madly in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Scroggins replies, "Well, Jimmy, you are only ten. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, little Jimmy replies, "In Jemima’s room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there very nicely." Mr Scroggins sez with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jemima." Yet again, Jimmy instantly replies “Our pocket money, Jemima gets five quid a week and I get ten quid a week, coz I have my paper round. That's about £60 a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Scroggins is impressed that Jimmy has put so much thought into this. "Well, Jimmy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Little Jimmy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

                                    

My Doctor reckons that I'm paranoid. I'm just worried how many other people he may have told! On my last visit, he gave me a thorough check-up. When the examination was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English exactly what's wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” my doctor replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer, wastrel, lollygagger and popinjay” 'Thank you.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term in Latin, so I can tell the missus”


                                   

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!



                               

The List......

                       

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your arse look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway..

                               

Austin Knight.
www.Comedian.ws

The BBQ.

                               

Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the (albeit brief) barbeque season, I thought it might be prudent to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoonical proportionistas) has for the last three consecutive years battered the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of immense importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.

Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbeque, a sequence of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.

(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.

(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.

(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves, without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.

Here comes the important part:

(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes indoors to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.

(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration and distribution purposes.

(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments, sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.


(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly. Not forgetting to empty it, upon the conclusion of it's cycle.

(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.


(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a Chihuahua chewing a wasp), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!


Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a mango! So visit my website  www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work! comedianuk@sky.com


                 

The Plug...

          

There was a tap on the door yesterday morning. My plumber has a really weird sense of humour! Last week, he invited me to visit London and we went to see the Chelsea Shower Flow.

                                         

Last Monday ended up a massive disappointment. I went along to support a dwindling trade union, namely The Annual Shoemakers Convention. The committee is made up of a group of octogenarians, who invite guests to learn skills that they have studied and honed over a lifetime in the footwear industry. I have to honestly say it was the biggest load of old cobblers that I ever had the gross misfortune to associate myself with.
                                 

My father was a door to door salesman, selling doors. He wasn't very successful though. He'd knock on someone’s door and say "Oh! You've already got one!"

                            

My old mate, Tommy Grabknuckle was informed by his doctor that he only had six months to live. His two sisters, Tina and Marje were inconsolable and devastated by the sad news. They were constantly sobbing. He had to tell 'em, "Don't Cry For Me, Marje andTina"...


                                       

Barmy Albert was walking along Blackpool beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off and out popped a genie! “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” Barmy Albert thought a minute and proclaimed: “I’m feeling a tad thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a chilled dandelion and burdock.” And poof! There was a pint of fizzy pop in his hand. He drank it down and started to chuck the bottle away. The genie sez, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” Albert did and watched as it magically refilled itself with dandelion and burdock. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” Barmy Albert replied: . “I think I’ll be having two more of these!”
                                  

Tip of the day: Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant!

                                  

Big Chief Sitting Bull and his wife Lying Cow made love on a bed of horse hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his second wife on a bed of buffalo hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his third wife on a bed of hippopotamus hide and she brought into the world FOUR sons! So it just goes to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.


                                         

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com