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Sunday 9 July 2017

The BBQ.


Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the (albeit brief) barbeque season, I thought it might be prudent to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoonical proportionistas) has for the last three consecutive years battered the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of immense importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.

Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbeque, a sequence of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.

(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.

(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.

(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves, without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.

Here comes the important part:

(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes indoors to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.

(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration and distribution purposes.

(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments, sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.

(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly. Not forgetting to empty it, upon the conclusion of it's cycle.

(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a Chihuahua chewing a wasp), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a mango! So visit my website and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work!


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