Monday, 31 October 2011
Steve Kindon.
Trick or treat? The decision is yours...
It was officially the end of British summertime yesterday. As opposed to the unofficial end which was in May. The clocks have gone back, and the bleak winter season is forthcoming. I reckon that we must have a different type of clock in our house. I’ve been watching them for twelve hours now, and they are all still going forward. On a brighter note, I bring good news for all insomniacs - only three more sleeps until Christmas! Yes folks! It's getting terribly close to that time of year when we all drag a dead tree into our living rooms and eat chocolate out of a sock. Fascinating!
Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they don’t look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door last weekend and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, you thick t**t?" Well, I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school. Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that
Q) What is brown and very lonely?
A) Colonel Gaddafi's camel.
I was driving down the High Street in a bit of a fluster, because I had an important meeting to attend at the betting shop, and couldn’t find a parking place anywhere. Looking up to heaven I said, "Lord, if you find me a parking space, I will change my ways, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and I will give up drinking beer". Just then, a parking place appeared. I looked up again and said, "Never mind, I just found one."
"What do we want?"
"Northern Irish Accents"
"When do we want them?"
"Noiye"....
The missus arrived back from her driving test. "So," I asked excitedly. "How did you get on?" "Not good." She replied, "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically, "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?" "A chain." She replied "The cars still in the river."
I frightened the postman today by going to the door with no clothes on. I'm not really sure what scared him most, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Twas good to see Mario Balotelli doing an awareness campaign for Fireworks night. Perhaps his team mate CarlosTevez may do summat for Hallowe’en. He wouldn't need a costume, because he has a face like a murderers labourer. I hear that Tevez plans to sue his boss Roberto Mancini. If his solicitor has any sense of humour, he'll refuse to come off the bench and defend him.
Give a person a fish and you will feed them for a day. Alternatively, get them on the internet and they won't bother you for many months.
Q) Why did the missus cross the road?
A) To go back into the very same shoe shop that we went in four f***ing hours ago!
Quote of the week: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!
Austin Knight & Neil 'Razor' Ruddock at Manchester City FC.
The Citizen Suite has been given an extensive makeover, in readiness for the forthcoming 2012 Olympics apparently. The sky-blue curtain that you can see behind the top table in my pic has been specially woven and contains a panoramic view of the city of Manchester, and a very fine peice of craftsmanship it is too. Especially, when I examined it close up, I found it quite amusing to note that Old Trafford has been airbrushed out of the scene! You couldn't make it up! Could you?
We received a brilliant reception and well over 350 guests attended the dinner, which was to raise much needed funds for Brendan Bees Junior FC at Droylsden. Razor Ruddock regaled the audience with tales of his escapades at Millwall, Liverpool and Spurs and his magnificent impression of Harry Redknapp will be with me forever! He was so funny! The crowd gave us both a standing ovation. Later on on the audience cheered and carried me aloft on their shoulders. I said "I can walk to the car." They said "You're going in the river!" A fantastic night was had by all!
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Gaddafi Latest! Another Dictator In The Pipeline?
Apparently, a badly wounded Gaddafi shot himself in the head, after rebels informed him that he was being taken to Stepping Hill Hospital...
Q) What's black and has two broken arms?
A) Colonel Gaddafi's Raybans.
Yes folks, finally, after years of atrocities and the suffering of millions, it's over. Details are still to be confirmed, but Westlife are definitely splitting up.
A pal of mine attended an orgy and slept with three Thai girls last night. He reckoned it was like winning the lottery. He got six matching balls!
Ooooh, folly folly! I have just found out that my dad has an advanced form of dementia. I just hope and pray that it isn't hereditary and doesn't run in the family because my dad has got it as well.
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
This economic global downturn credit crisis recession gubbins really is quite appalling, in fact it's even worse than getting divorced! I’ve lost more than half of my assets, but I’m still lumbered with the missus!
Moreover, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, your investment would be worth a derisory £49.00 today. If you had bought £1,000 worth of shares in AIG twelve months since, you would have a measly £33.00 today. If you had invested £1,000 in Lehman Brothers last year, your collateral would be NIL today. However, if you had treated yourself to a grands worth of beer a year ago, supped all the ale, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. You heard it first here folks!
A little girl and a little boy were at nursery. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, you wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his good fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary bloke," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men….
"I can't believe that you taped over our wedding video with a rubbish Stephen King film," she yelled. "I couldn't have," I replied. "We've only had a DVD player for the last ten years." "Well what's with the sticker with 'Misery' on it then?"
My wife rang me on Sunday afternoon. "Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside the house in the pouring rain for an hour!" "I'm watching the Derby game and having a few beers with the lads," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Barry through from the kitchen."
A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert.
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Batten down the hatches. The bleak midwinter is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Monday, 10 October 2011
Lucky £101 Million Euro Lottery Winner To Be Married....
I was chatting up a gypsy bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I wanted to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish!
Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...
A bank is robbed by the same bank robber for the third time in a month. "Did you notice anything unusual about the robber?" asks a detective. "Yes," says the bank clerk. "He was wearing nicer clothes every time."
Watching the rugby last weekend is a bit like watching Doctor Who. I quite enjoy it but if I'm absolutely honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
Genetically modified ‘Superbroccoli’ has gone on sale in the UK today. It'll be flying off the shelves!
I sez to the missus, "You look like you've put on some weight." She curtly informed me, "Tell me summat I don't know." I replied, "Salad tastes really nice.".....
Quantitative easing is where the government prints more money to put into the economy when conventional monetary policy has become ineffective. Mickey Thomas got 3 years in the nick for the same thing. I see we're going to have another round of quantitative easing. Or as they're calling it, QE2. I suppose it'll keep us afloat.
I treated the missus to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say, I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't muck about.\
I was astonished to hear last week that Robbie Williams is leaving Take That yet again. I thought he was 'Back for Good'...
During Dickensons Real Deal yesterday afternoon, I gazed at the 19th century solid oak bureau in the corner of my dining room and thought: ' Maybe that is where the Sky remote is.'
I was staring out the window when my wife said, "It looks very different doesn't it?" "Yeah, normally the green grassy bit is at the bottom, whereas the blue cloudy bit is up the top end." After a long pause she asked, "What are you thinking, darling?" "I'm thinking, why did I let you drive?"
Last week, I went to Blockbusters and got a Carlos Tevez DVD, but it won't play....
Thought For Thursday: Okay, now you might call it being a lazy git, However, I call it selective participation....
I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving. As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home. Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner And a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back! On the same subject, I bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman today. He was wearing a cat flap.
A baby snake looks at his dad and says "Dad are we poisonous snakes?" His dad says “No son, why do you ask” The baby snake sez, "cos I've just bit my tongue!"
Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? www.Comedian.ws and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!
Monday, 3 October 2011
Tevez Latest!!
Breaking News: Carlos Tevez is to open his own chain of sandwich shops. It is to be called: SubNoWay...
“Hello. You are through to PC World Technical Support. This is Sheila speaking. How can I help?” ”I can’t find the net.” “Okay, a couple of questions first, your name please sir.” “Fernando Torres.”
We all possess individual talents and display different quirks and idiosyncrasies. For instance, I am absolutely brilliant in the bedroom department. This is because I worked for twenty-odd years at Ikea.
Whilst sauntering down the High Street yesterday, I spotted a sign in a shop window that said, "Watch Batteries Replaced Here." So I went in and said, "Go on, then."
Quote of the week: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns.
This morning on The Jeremy Kyle Show there was this fella being totally belittled and castigated by his missus. It was so embarrassing. It was obvious who wore the tracksuit bottoms in their marriage.
The missus and I walked past a very expensive restaurant in the town centre. As we passed, she remarked, "Oooh, did you smell that food, it smelled really lovely." I looked at her little face and took her by the hand and replied, “Come on then," and we walked past it again. She has become most inquisitive too. Last week she asked me what I was doing on the computer. "I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied. "Oh that's great, love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look." I was quite surprised. She usually isn't that interested in darts.
I got a strange text this evening from a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who is this?" I got a message back saying, "I’m your worst f***ing nightmare!" Which left me rather perplexed, because the missus was sitting next to me and she hadn't moved the whole time.
I put a load of the wife's old clothes in a charity bag outside the house this morning and got a knock on the door an hour later. "We can't take these, sir," he said "Why, what's wrong with them?" I asked, "Your wife's still wearing them."
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