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Saturday, 7 November 2015

The X-Factor Drinking Game....

                 


I played the X-Factor Drinking Game over the weekend. It’s dead easy. Why not give it a try? This is the two-step guide: (1) Switch this rubbish off. (2) Go down to Wetherspoons.


               

On Monday last week, there were fireworks going off and it was nowhere near Bonfire Night. Christmas paraphernalia is festooned in all the supermarkets and its weeks away from the festered season. Pancake Day is a staggering four months away and all the shops are full of eggs, flour, milk & lemons etc. What is going on? I think we should be told.



Last week on Hallowe'en, I shouted through to the missus. "Darling, there's a witch at the door, what shall I do?" She replied, "Just give her a lollipop and tell her to get lost." The mother-in-law hasn't been seen since....

     


I dialled a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, then you are one of the changes."

         


British Telecom rang me yesterday and curtly informed yours truly that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next seven days, they were going to disconnect the phone. I sez to ‘em, “Your bill is in a queue!”


                           

Moreover, on the plus side of my domestic outgoings, British Gas let me know that I have the best gas and electricity bills on my street. It’s true! They have said that both are outstanding!

     


The missus sez, “There’s a bloke knocking on our front door with a beard.” I replied, “No wonder we didn’t hear him!” It turned out that this geezer wanted a word with me. He opined, “It’s been a whole year now since we installed your double glazing and according to our records, you haven’t made a single payment.” I gazed at him with much disdain and replied, “That’s because you told me that within a year, it would pay for itself!”

                       


I’m totally fed up with folk knocking on my door, so I’ve put this notice up. Feel free to copy and use it yourself folks! DOOR KNOCKERS PLEASE NOTE! This household charges £20 to listen to sales pitches And/or religious messages. This charge is payable in advance. By knocking on this door, you hereby signal your agreement to the terms outlined above.

         

Thought for Thursday: If you help a man when he is in trouble, then he will always remember you when he is in trouble again....

                                   

I was making every endeavour in a somewhat futile attempt to eschew obfuscation, via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com    Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!
       

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