New Tameside Super Hero!

Superb lunch raising funds for Beechwood Cancer Care With Gary Marshall - Mark Jones - John Stevenson (Pareto Financial Planning) - Angela Gray - Stan Boardman & Austin Knight at The Palace Hotel, Manchester.

           

At the Holiday Inn at Basildon, Essex last Thursday with the incorrigible Frank Bruno MBE. What a great guy! We had a brilliant evening and raised pots of dough for local charities.

Yesterday morning, I spotted a bloke running really fast down the High Street wearing a cape. I immediately thought that the Tameside and Glossop area had a new super hero! Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be some scallywag who had not paid for his haircut!

                 

Tesco have announced that it will create 20,000 new jobs across the UK, within the next twelve months. Beata Maria Szydło, the Polish Prime Minister, is said to be “absolutely delighted”....

The missus texted me at a gig last week: "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"
I texted back: "Spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them." A few minutes later, she replied: "Done all that, now computer won't work at all now”.

The missus, being an incurable romantic sort sent me a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you! Xxxx.  Me, being the typically non-romantic type, replied; "I am on the toilet. Please advise".

Still on the subject of texting, I sent the missus the following text: “Just got in Wetherspoons and having a beer. If I’m not home within thirty minutes, then read this text again...”

I walked up to reception area in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I have genuinely forgotten what room I'm in." The concierge gazed at me and replied, "No problem with that sir, this bit is called the lobby."



A doctor was addressing a large audience in London. "The fodder that we put into our gut is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, many years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, an old bloke in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"


                       

A shady character went into the bank, locked the door and put a balaclava on, he then took a gun out and shouted “This is a hold-up.” He approached the first customer in the queue, “Did you see my face, before I covered it?” The man sez “Yes, I did.” So the robber shot him. He asked the same question to next bloke. “Did you see my face?” “No I didn't, but the wife did.”


Thought for Thursday: I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual.



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. I just saw a snowman in the greengrocers. He was picking his nose! Christmas-is-a-coming! Get yer baubles out!