I was working with Neil 'Nello' Baldwin and Big Ron Atkinson on Friday to raise funds for Neil Baldwin FC in Stoke-on-Trent. Nello is a proper character and found fame when Lou Macari appointed him as kit man at Stoke.A film entitled 'Marvellous' has been made about his remarkable life. It has already won 2 BAFTA's and is to be broadcast again on Christmas Day. Last week, I worked with the Liverpool legend that is Jimmy Case. He regaled the assembled throng with anecdotes from Liverpools golden era. He is a cracking bloke and an excellent top-table companion. A good chortle was had by all. I look forward to working with him again soon.
I got a weird text last night from a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who is this?" I got a message back saying, "I’m your worst nightmare. Be afraid, be VERY afraid!" Which left me somewhat perplexed, because the missus was snoring her head off on the chaise longue and she hadn't moved the whole time...
I was well hacked off with my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert yesterday, he kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast. I wouldn't mind normally, but it was All Night Long. See what I did there! Then the missus told me she wanted a divorce, because of my obsession with 70’s pop group The Monkees. I didn’t believe her at first. And Then I Saw Her Face....
After the Lionel Richie incident, I asked Barmy Albert why he had number forty-two painted on his wheelie bin, when he actually lives at number four, "It's so that the dustbin men will leave it near my house after they have emptied it," he replied.
A young Scouse lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool shirt is. "I washed it and it's drying on the washing line." The young boy rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud. "Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?" His mother looks out of the window and shouts, "The thievin’ swines have nicked the pegs again!"
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately...... The most common one seems to be ......"You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"
Fascinating Fact: I reckon that every time a tupperware lid vanishes, it morphs into a wire coat hanger.....
I saw my old maths teacher in Manchester town centre today and he recognised me right away! He crossed the road, came straight up to me and shouted, "Are you chewing?"
Yesterday, Parcelforce rang my doorbell. He sez, "I've got a parcel for next door."
I looked at him and replied, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."....
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"
Thought for Thursday: All I really want is a lot less to do, much more time to do it, and more money for not getting it done.
RIP My dear friend Cynthia Payne, sadly passed away last week aged 82. She was immortalised in the movie 'Personal Services' where Julie Walters portrayed her incredible life. I shall miss our long chats on the phone. Life will be infinitely poorer for her passing. Farewell, Madame Cyn, it was a privelege to know you. There'll never be another!
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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