Search This Blog

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything...





A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,



but here's the TRUE story ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.



And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for



sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever havingto move from his tent.




To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)




But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -



for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy Horsefly take to camel dung.They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the



deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO," said Abraham.And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic EducatedKid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? ~ An In-Depth Study!




SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it,

he's a maverick!



BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for

change! The chicken wanted change!



JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he

recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all

the chickens on the other side of the road.



HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that

little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely

qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this

countrygets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't

about me.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the

road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or

not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground

here.



DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see

the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.



AL GORE: I invented the chicken.



JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I

am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled

about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against

it.



AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black

chickens.



DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't

realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the

road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to

do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current

problems before adding new problems.



OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,

which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having

the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm

going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road

and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,

but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the

road.



NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You

can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.



PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.



MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken

was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs

when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any

insider information.



DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a

toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not

been told.



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.



JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see

the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my

friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay

too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination

that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the

other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and

as simple as that.



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.

Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will

be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming

story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to

accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.



ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads

together, in peace.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only

Cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and

balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.

This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.



ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the

road move beneath the chicken?



COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Cuckoo Clock Joke...




Why females should avoid a girls' night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.


Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

My Prayer For 2011...


Dear God,

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN

The Washington Post ~ 'Style Invitational.'




The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational.'

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

Spaghetti Joke...





For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Lineswoman Sian Massey...


Lineswoman Sian Massey's new nickname is 'Just For Men'. She was only used once and the Gray is gone!!