Is it REALLY you?

 

                         

                      

This rather austere woman recognised me as I was sauntering down Scropton Street. She sez: 'It's you isn't it? It really is you!”' I coyly replied: “Yes, it's definitely me!” She then asked me: “When are you coming back to finish my patio?” Of course, this happens on a constant basis. I was in a taxi to the airport and the driver kept looking at me through the rear-view mirror. After a while he sez: “Well give us a clue then, mate.” I gave him a brief resume of my showbiz career, starting off at Belle Vue in a clown act, whilst still attending school and named a few TV shows that I’d appeared in, culminating in working as an after-dinner speaker on the corporate circuit. He became quite agitated and shouted: “No. Which terminal do you want dropping off at?”



I managed to burn 10,000 calories yesterday! My advice is - don’t fall asleep with cakes in the oven!



As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th season, I would like to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode!



The way things are going in our ‘Woke’ society, we’re gonna have to eradicate shampoo for fear of offending bald folk. If they had a comb, they wouldn’t part with it!



Non-Stick Nora’s dog had gone deaf. She took it to the vet, who examined the canine and pronounced: “Nowt wrong with the dog, Nora. Hair has grown too long in its ears, so I’ve trimmed it out and its right as nine pence.” Nora thanked him and asked what to do if the problem reoccurred. The vet told her to go to the chemist and buy some Immac hair remover and put a dab of it in the dog’s ears once a week. On the way home, she called in to the pharmacy and asked for the product. The chemist sez: “If you’re using it under your arms Nora, then don’t use deodorant for a few days coz it’ll sting and if you’re using it on your legs, don’t apply anything like fake tan, because it’ll cause a nasty rash.” Nora proclaimed: “It’s not for my arms or legs. It’s for my Schnauzer!” The chemist replied: “Well, don’t ride your bike for a week....”

                                      

The wife and I attended a fancy dress party last weekend. We went dressed as bank robbers. We had an awesome time. Well I did. The missus was sat outside in the car all night with the engine running….



British summertime: Didn’t need to alter clocks last Sunday because I’m so lazy, I left them the time they were last October. Since then, we’ve been watching ITV + 1. I’m so indolent,I I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm.



Anyone who reckons that their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two bars of chocolate fall down at once from a vending machine. Marriage is just an alternative word for adopting a fully grown man, who can’t look after himself....



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



My parents could only afford a second hand calculator, which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.



                                                

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


                          

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

                                     

Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away for a month or so. This year, I shall be working on many different cruise liners around the Mediterranean. Then, copious exotic destinations beckon and in between these forays this summer as I will also be performing at the fantastic TUI Gold Hotels in Lanzarote, Cyprus, Costa del Sol, Menorca and Ibiza! These hotels are adults only. No kids! You’d think you’ve gone deaf!



I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....


After being married for many years, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" That’s when the fight started!



Young Willy Eckerslyke was compiling a thesis on childbirth and asks his parents; "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork delivered you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. Moreover, my grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I just called them Gran and Grandpapapapapapapa. Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!

                                

I was at the airport, checking in at the Ryanair checking-in thingy, when the girl with the Thunderbirds hat on behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then?

The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with Elsie Grabknuckle and she asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”

 

Everything that I do, seems to go awry. I lent a mate of mine £10,000 to have plastic surgery and I don’t know what he looks like now!

                           

I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose."

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

  

The candlelit dinner....

                                      

The UK government have inexplicably found £10 billion quid to help with folk’s energy bills, a mere 24 hours after publication of the Sue Gray report. The greased piglet strikes again!



The missus came home from work and I was swinging from the chandeliers, eating a banana! She asked me if we’d won the Euro millions. I sez: “No. I’ve got Monkeypox!” She always thought I had a chimp on my shoulder!



When I first started out in showbiz, I worked in the clubs with a brilliant ventriloquist who was the father of famous actor Richard Gere. His name was Gotler Gere.



The price of petrol has risen so much! I have ended up running the lawnmower on Vodka. Unfortunately, the grass is now half-cut! Indeed petrol is so expensive now, I saw Dolly Parton on a car share with Jolene yesterday! Who’d a thowt it?



                                   

I was having a candlelit dinner with the wife last night. She asked me if I was getting all romantic. I sez: “No. The electricity bill arrived this afternoon.”



Barmy Albert was just waking up from anaesthetic after his hip operation surgery. Non-Stick Nora was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he told her: "You’re beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

Nora had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he sez: "You’re cute." Nora was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"    Albert replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

                    

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle went to see his doctor. "Doc, I think I’m going doo-lally. Several times lately, I have forgotten to pull my zip up." "That’s not going doo-lally," replied the doctor. "Going doo-lally is when you forget to pull the zip down."



Tommy Slopbucket opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, McFinney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Tommy. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied McFinney. "Where are ya callin’ from?"

                                            

Meanwhile, down The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife Pub, three old friends, Art, Bart and Fargo were asked by Ethel the barkeep: "When you’re in your coffin and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"    Artie sez: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Bart commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of the local community, who made a huge difference in people’s lives."    Fargo replied: "I’d like them to say, "Look, he’s moving!"

Top Tip: Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

I asked a German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no. 

                                          

                        

Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!