The vaccine dilemma...

                                        

I had my vaccine yesterday at midnight. It was a shot in the dark! Barmy Albert had his second jab at Scropton Street Vaccination Centre, after which he began to suffer blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or even be hospitalised. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination centre immediately and pick up his glasses!

Still on the vaccine front, Non-Stick Nora had her jab and began to see spots before her eyes. Barmy Albert asked her: “Have you seen a doctor?” Nora replied: “No. Just spots....”



Due to the concern over the Oxford Astra Zenica vaccine causing blood clots, I have had no option, but to quadruple my intake of Chardonnay, which is an acknowledged blood thinner. Better to be safe than sorry! Cheers! Let us raise a glass and propose a toast to Paul the Apostle on The Road to De-mask us! Hallelujah! I’ll drink to that! Wahay!



Virgin Mobile texted me and asked if I had any spare tablets that could I send them for needy school children. So I sent them ten Paracetomol and six Ibroprufen.
                                                   

Non-Stick Nora hailed a hackney carriage. The taxi driver sez: "I'm sorry for the smell in here, I just had the whole cab disinfected due to Covid regulations.". Nora answers: "Don't worry about it, mate. I haven't been able to smell anything all week"

It’s been mooted that many nightclubs may struggle to reopen after lockdown, because bouncers and other security staff have pursued alternative careers during the pandemic. I must admit, the last time I visited a late night venue, the doorman told me that I couldn’t be admitted, because I looked as though “ I’d had a few too many!” I sez “Do you mean drinks?” He replied: “No. I meant birthdays....”

Fascinating Fact: People say my house is haunted but I have lived here for 241 years and never noticed anything untoward whatsoever....

                        

I phoned the RSPCA. She sez: “Can I help you?” I replied: " "Yes there's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan." She sez: "I don't believe you." I replied: "Well you'll just have to take my whirred ferret."



The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out....



I don’t believe in labelling people or putting them in boxes. This was why I lost my job at the undertakers.

                                                            

I found it quite disconcerting that the last time someone wanted me for my body, it was filling out an organ donation form. I’ve decided to donate my body to medical science and they’re currently fighting the case!



I wandered into Ann Summers lingerie store and sez to the assistant, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my missus." The assistant asks, "Sheer?" I replies "No. She's in Aldi at the moment."



She was whinging about putting on so much weight during lockdown. I innocently sez, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started....

 

The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!
                                                   

When Madame Merkel met Meghan Markle...

                                 

Heavy-handed police action was criticized last weekend at the Clapham Common vigil. If Cressida Dick carries on like this, she’s going get herself a bad name.

So we’re all following the Boris road map, coasting along in our Reliant Robin Interceptor ~ 3 litre Ghia ~ Hatchback ~ Trans-Am ~ twin carburettor (with stabilisers) ~ central locking ~ unbreakable petrol cap (a lump of rag) and all the kids in the backseat are shouting “Are we there yet?” The simple answer is that although the vaccine rollout is successful, Dr Chris Whitty, the government scientific soothsayer geezer has stipulated that certain rules must still be strictly adhered to:



1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

4. You must not go to work, but you can get another job and go to work

5. You should not go to the doctors or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not, as you see fit.

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out, but don’t go very far, because Corrie is on at 7-30 pm.

When Meghan Markle met Madame Angela Merkel in Munich, she mooted many a mickle makes a muckle in mentioning her marriage and mischievous meanderings, mainly manufacturing manifold mayhem in the media and maintained to the matriarch that her management makes a myriad of multitudinous moolah marketing malicious misinformation marring the monarchic ménage. Moreover, many more magazine mash-ups meant mixed messages missing a mixture of meticulous measure and movement momentum. Meanwhile, in Manchester, Non Stick Nora never knew ninety-nine nice ‘n neatly knitted knick-nacks were nonchalantly nobbled near Knutsford...

 

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “I don’t understand this cloning lark” Albert replied: “That makes two of us....”

                                        

Lt Columbo to accused: “Just one more thing. There is Good news and bad news, sir” “What's the bad news?” asked the accused. Columbo: “Your blood was found on the victim’s clothes and on the carpet!” “What's the good news?” “Your cholesterol is very low!”



I found it quite disconcerting that the last time someone wanted me for my body, it was filling out an organ donation form. Barmy Albert donated his body to medical science and they’re fighting the case!



Walking the dogs around the reservoirs this morning, I came across this bloke who was trout fishing. "How do you ascertain that there are any trout actually in there?" I asked. "Little eddies in the water," he replied. "What, and he lets you know?"

 

 

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!