Today is polling day! I am aware that I’ve said previously in this column that Starmer is toast, but this week it will definitely happen. If it doesn't happen this week, then it’ll most certainly be next week or next month. Next year, Starmer will be a memory, lost in the sands of time. And if he isn’t, then he will be in due course, or the week after that. Vote Imbecile! Because you’ll get one anyway! You read it here first, folks!
On Bank Holiday Monday, I prepared a nice, healthy tuna salad. Unfortunately, I had to improvise a bit. I didn't have any tuna, so I substituted it with quarter-pound beef burgers. Moreover, I didn't have any salad, so I used triple-fried oven chips. I also ate a whole French baguette and my stomach really hurt. I now know the meaning of the word pain. We couldn’t watch Lassie on telly, because it was ban collie day. It’s all political correctness gone mad! The woke agenda is continuing apace!
My father always used to say, "The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more." Fantastic bloke, but a terrible anaesthetist. When I was a plastic surgeon, I made a huge mistake with one female patient. When she spotted it, I’ll never forget the expression on her elbow!
Non-Stick Nora went to KFC drive-thru to grab the grandkids summat to eat. They wanted a kids’ meal with a leg, so at the window, she sez: “Kids’ meal with a leg.” The lady on the intercom asked, “Sure, which side?” Nora was dumbfounded and just sat there in complete silence, trying to process this life-changing question. Finally, after an awkward silence, Nora opined: “Erm…I guess the right side? I don’t really know the difference.” She erupts into laughter and says, “No, Honey. Which side do you want with the leg? Fries, mashed potatoes or wedges?” At this juncture, she threw her hands in the air and said... "Lord, please, take the wheel. It’s been a long day!"
A police traffic officer pulled a car over for speeding on the M67. When he asked the driver why he was in such a hurry, the geezer explained he was a juggler on his way to perform at the Glossop Circus and didn’t want to be late. The efficient copper sez, "I've always been fascinated by juggling. If you put on a little show for me, I'll let you off with just a warning." The juggler got out, lit four torches, and began juggling right there on the hard shoulder. During his performance, another car pulled up behind the police car. A drunk bloke staggered out, walked straight over to the patrol car, opened the back door, and climbed in. The policeman went over, opened the door, and asked, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail now, because there’s no way I’m passing that test!"
Riddle me this: If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed. Well, I’m gabberflasted by it all!
I could tell that I was getting old when I started fancying the women in the adverts for affordable cremation plans. I’m losing the plot!
Fascinating Fact: Karl Marx had a sister named Onya, who was the inventor of the starting pistol...
Barmy Albert went to Blackpool, and when he was on The Big One roller coaster, he had brought some spare nuts and bolts. As it started clambering upwards, he tapped Non-Stick Nora on the shoulder and exclaimed, “Nora! These just fell out of the back of your seat.”
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