After a thorough thrashing in last week's elections, Sir Kier Starmer asked: “Tell me the truth. Am I totally out of touch with the common man?” “Maybe a little.” Replied his butler. Starmer continued: “I jeer and mock, but my mouth is so full of lobster, Beluga caviar and vintage champagne that I start coughing and almost choke. His butler patted him on the back a few times, and Starmer wheezed, “Don’t manhandle my supreme being, without your Marigolds on!”
I took the missus to see Hamilton. She didn’t enjoy it at all. She thought it was all quite appalling.
They lost 4-0 to Partick Thistle. Other disappointing results were East Fife 5. Forfar 4, so far. Cowdenbeath 2. - Corned Beef 1. West Ham 1 – Boiled Ham 2. In an effort to make things right and get in her good books, I booked us a nice table for two. Turns out that she doesn’t like snooker either. That’s when the fight started!
Barmy Albert had a shunt in his car. When the police arrived, he claimed the woman he hit was entirely to blame. “She was on the phone and drinking a glass of wine at the time. Can you believe it!” With all the dignity that he could muster, the copper replied: “She can do whatever she wants in her own conservatory!”
What pronouns do donkeys go by? He/Haw. What do Blackpool donkeys get for lunch? Half an hour, like everyone else.
Meanwhile, in a muddy meadow, a pig was lounging about beside a donkey and suddenly declared, “I don’t know how you cope with it all. There you are, up at the crack of dawn, hauling huge loads, grinding grain, dragging a heavy plough through the rough soil, and when the sun goes down, all they feed you is a lump of grass. Whereas I spend my days like a Labour politician with my snout in the trough, eating till I’m full, napping whenever I want to and wallowing around without a care in the world. It sure feels good not being in your hooves.” The donkey glanced at him and replied: “Yeah, right. The pig that was here last year said the exact same thing, and so did Kier Starmer!”
Thursday Quiz: Q) What seven-letter word starts with ‘egg’ and ends in ‘soup’?
A) Chicken. B) Eggsoup.
Non-Stick Nora was at Stalybridge Station and stepped up to the kiosk to buy her ticket. Nearby, there is a couple hugging and tearfully saying goodbye. Nora says to the clerk in the kiosk: “You must have witnessed a lot of sad good-byes. What was the saddest goodbye you’ve ever seen?” The clerk thought for a moment and sez: “It was a soldier saying good-bye to his dog.” Nora exclaimed: “Really! Where was the dog going?”
I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 is. He said, “No.”
An elephant escaped from the zoo, and a few hours later, the police station received a phone call from a nearby small village. “A huge rat is standing in my vegetable garden, and it’s tearing up my cabbage with its tail!” The desk sergeant replied: “Calm down! Now what is it doing with the cabbage?” The caller said: “You’re not going to believe this…”
LADIES! Listen Up! You must exercise extreme caution in the ladies' toilet in any restaurant. All the dates that I’ve taken out for a meal have visited the loo and never returned! Spooky or what?
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