The vaccine passport farrago....

                        

I spoke at a business luncheon gig in Manchester last week and although many folk are moaning about the new vaccination passports that are now deemed necessary for travel abroad and entrance into nightclubs, one of the guests informed me that he thought that they would be very good for his business. When I asked him what business he was in, he replied: “I print vaccine passports....”



In a rare moment of reflection, the missus sez to me: “Do what you love and the money will follow.” So when she went to work, I ordered a 12 inch pepperoni and mushroom pizza, drank a half bottle of fine Argentinean Malbec, had a bet on a horse called Chunky Monkey that was running in the 2-30 at Haydock, followed by a snooze in the afternoon and then took lots of selfies with all my dogs. Now I wait....

                                                                   

Life! It’s the way the mop flops. Just last week, my horoscope informed me that there was a ton of money coming my way. That very afternoon, I got run over by a Securicor van. Spooky, or what? It is what it is...



It’s par for the course. The week beforehand, I was run over by a mobile library. As I was screaming in pain and anguish in the gutter, the geezer came out of the library and went: “Shhhhh!”



Austin’s Thursday Quiz:

Q) Which Spice Girl can panic buy the most petrol?

A) Geri can…

                            

It was so sad seeing all those imbeciles panic buying fuel in the early hours of the morning, it was quite emotional. I couldn’t pass this debacle without filling up.



When there was a water shortage, we were advised to put a brick in the lavvy cistern to conserve precious H20. Trying to get one in my petrol tank is nigh on impossible!



I honestly don’t expect the generation of today to pay for my care in old age. I’ve already paid for it myself by working constantly since the age of 15 years old!

                                                     

Last night, I phoned the suppository helpline. They were so rude! I cannot repeat the advice they gave me in a family newspaper, so you’ll have to use your imagination!



I was in butchers shop in London and a cockney woman came in and asked for panda sausages. I thought they were a protected species. However, I wonder what they taste like?

                                                     

I was stranded on the M67 last week, when a huge lorry shed its load of paper, pencils and rubbers. The north bound side was closed for five hours and everything was stationery.



Apparently a Tory red top newspaper has declared that if we dare to vote Labour, then we will be going back to the 1970’s. Look what’s happening now. It’s going to be a tough winter.



A mate of mine wants to know why people keep putting "asking for a friend" on their Facebook statuses.

 

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                                      

Don't let Covid kill you off!

                                                

                         Cleckheaton Cricket Club Dinner with John Collier and Kevin Connelly

 

Boris has promised that there will be no further lockdowns during autumn and winter this year. I reckon we’d best stock up on toilet rolls and banana bread ingredients then, because he’s such an inveterate liar, he has to get Rishi Sunak at number 11 to call his dog in.

                                                            

My old mate Paul Merson was on Good Morning Britain last week talking about his addiction to gambling. I asked him once why didn’t he join Gamblers Anonymous? He sez “They wouldn’t know where to send my winnings…” He’s a proper character, he truly is. We were working at a London hotel and he was accompanied by a lovely lady. He asked the waiter for a bottle of Moët Chandon. The waiter sez “I’m sorry, Mr. Merson, but we only have magnums.” Merse replied “Well, give us a bottle of Magnums then!” More celebrity top table conversations next week!

                                         

The missus woke up with a huge smile on her face yesterday morning. I just love those felt tip pens!

                                         

Now that we’re getting back to normal and folks are going back to work, Barmy Albert was inconsolable. He told Non Stick Nora that he just couldn’t bear to go back to sitting on a bus for hours every day. Nora sez: “But, Albert, you’re a bus driver!”



Top Tip: If you are very good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.



Get folk thinking! Just tell them every odd number contains the letter E and the word facetious contains every vowel in the correct order. But don’t be facetious when you tell ‘em!



I have a photo of myself in the days when I was a boxer. If you turn it sideways it looks as if I'm standing up. I was the only boxer with a cauliflower derrière!



When I was a kid, my mam taught us to speak Japanese. When the rent man knocked, I would go to the door and say "Shintin"...

                                              

Austin’s Relationship Advice: Drink til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding. I had my wedding reception at McDonalds. It was the last Happy Meal I ever had.



Women are so fickle! I came home the other day and the missus asked me if I could spare her a moment. She sez: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No!” She put her hand in her purse and brought out a £50 note, which was screwed up into a ball and placed it on the kitchenette table. She went on: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up? I replied: “Definitely not!” She then went into her handbag and produced a £20 note, also screwed up into a ball, which she placed on the table. She then asked me if I had ever seen £24,500 all screwed up. I sez: “Never in my lifetime!” She then asked me to go and have a look in the garage....



Don't let Covid kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Don't rise to the bait.....

           

The British professional tennis player who is the reigning US Open Champion could have had a different story. Her original chosen sport was kayaking, but her family was very poor and couldn't afford the expense , so she switched to tennis. Congratulations to Emma Nevadacanu!

                                                 

The missus sez that I possess an infantile mentality and that I'm immature. She reckons that we will have to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate situation. Now, as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

She asked me if I thought that she had put on any weight during lockdown. I sez “Well, you weren’t that skinny beforehand...” That’s when the fight started!

                                      

Women boxers are just the same! They’re all okay until the weigh-in and then it’s all that: “Those scales aren’t right!"    I have always maintained that women would make excellent soccer referees. For instance, when a player commits a fowl, she blows the whistle and issues a red card. The player would automatically remonstrate and ask: “What’s that for, Ref?”   To which the female referee would cross her arms and utter: “Well, if you don’t know, then I’m not gonna tell ya!”

                       

My next door neighbour knocked on my door yesterday, wearing just a see through negligee and asked to borrow a cup of gin and then winked at me and invited me to go and have a glass of prosecco. I sez: “Sod off, Steve!”



My fave Working Mens Club Concert Secretary quote: "Please give better order during the bingo, plenty of time to talk when the turn is on."



Job Interview at Scropton Street Abbatoir…Personnel Manager: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?" Barmy Albert: "Honesty." Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Barmy Albert: "I don't really give a damn what you think!"

                                             

She wanted a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It came like a bolt out of the blue, you could have knocked me down with a feather, took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell ya…



Definitions by Gender…

GUBBINS:

Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.

Male: A fastener on women's clothing.

VULNERABLE:

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

COMMUNICATION:

Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a golfing weekend with the boys.

DERRIERE:

Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.

Male: What you slap when someone scores a goal. (Also good for mooning.)

COMMITMENT:

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male: Trying not to chat up other women while out with the girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT:

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE:

Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. 

                   

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                     

               

Happy Harry Hoooper & his headless hippo make a comeback!

                                                        

On a beautiful September day, Non Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were driving through Wales. At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch  they stopped for brunch and Non Stick Nora asked the very blonde waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?” The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”



Daedalus and his son, Icarus, made wings from feathers and wax to fly from Crete. The only other option was Ryanair and they thought, “Sod that, we'll take our chances!”


                                           

Woman at last night’s gig shouts “You’re uncouth!” A tad unfair, I surmised, but I thought, if I had a pound for every time a woman who has called me uncouth, then I’d be considered quite sophisticated.



BREAKING NEWS: Fire-fighters rescued a blonde girl who became trapped in a tumble dryer. She was reportedly unharmed other than being dizzy and missing a sock.



When Aliens come to destroy the Earth, they should be very pleased that we've done most of their work for them!

                                               
                                   

Our Blackpool landlady put a sign in the bathroom that bore the legend: “Don’t forget to put in Percy Plug before turning on Tommy Tap”. I wrote underneath “And don’t put too much Sammy Soap on Fanny Flannel.”



Happy Harry Hooper was a master ventriloquist and had been a major star for many moons. He phoned his agent and sez “I’ve not worked since before this pandemic lark. What’s going on?” The theatrical agent informed him that nobody wanted a ventriloquist anymore and that the big attraction now was the spiritualist/medium type of act, that folks could go and see and contact their dearly departed family members and friends. Happy Harry then had a brainwave! He said to the agent “I’ll set myself up as a spiritualist and then when people come to contact their loved ones, I’ll throw my voice and they’ll think they’re talking to them!” The following week, he’s at Blackpool, in a tent dressed up as Madame Grimwaldi the famous medium. This lady enters and sez: “My names Ethel and I want to contact my late husband Bert.” Happy Harry pretends to go into a trance and then throws his voice. “Hello Ethel, its Bert here. You’ve caught me at a bad time because I have a meeting with God and all the Archangels in a few minutes, but if you come back tomorrow, we can have a good long natter. Byeeee!” He then came out of his feigned trance and Ethel was absolutely delighted. She sez “I’ve spoke to Bert and I’ve got to come back tomorrow. How much do I owe you?” The ventriloquist replied “Well give me a tenner for today and twenty quid for tomorrow.” Ethel was somewhat perplexed and asked him why it was more expensive for the following day’s session. Happy Harry Hooper informed her “Because tomorrow, your Bert is going to speak to you, while I’m drinking a glass of water....” That’s showbiz, folks!


                                   

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.