Boris has promised that there will be no further lockdowns during autumn and winter this year. I reckon we’d best stock up on toilet rolls and banana bread ingredients then, because he’s such an inveterate liar, he has to get Rishi Sunak at number 11 to call his dog in.
My old mate Paul Merson was on Good Morning Britain last week talking about his addiction to gambling. I asked him once why didn’t he join Gamblers Anonymous? He sez “They wouldn’t know where to send my winnings…” He’s a proper character, he truly is. We were working at a London hotel and he was accompanied by a lovely lady. He asked the waiter for a bottle of Moët Chandon. The waiter sez “I’m sorry, Mr. Merson, but we only have magnums.” Merse replied “Well, give us a bottle of Magnums then!” More celebrity top table conversations next week!
The missus woke up with a huge smile on her face yesterday morning. I just love those felt tip pens!
Now that we’re getting back to normal and folks are going back to work, Barmy Albert was inconsolable. He told Non Stick Nora that he just couldn’t bear to go back to sitting on a bus for hours every day. Nora sez: “But, Albert, you’re a bus driver!”
Top Tip: If you are very good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
Get folk thinking! Just tell them every odd number contains the letter E and the word facetious contains every vowel in the correct order. But don’t be facetious when you tell ‘em!
I have a photo of myself in the days when I was a boxer. If you turn it sideways it looks as if I'm standing up. I was the only boxer with a cauliflower derrière!
When I was a kid, my mam taught us to speak Japanese. When the rent man knocked, I would go to the door and say "Shintin"...
Austin’s Relationship Advice: Drink til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding. I had my wedding reception at McDonalds. It was the last Happy Meal I ever had.
Women are so fickle! I came home the other day and the missus asked me if I could spare her a moment. She sez: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No!” She put her hand in her purse and brought out a £50 note, which was screwed up into a ball and placed it on the kitchenette table. She went on: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up? I replied: “Definitely not!” She then went into her handbag and produced a £20 note, also screwed up into a ball, which she placed on the table. She then asked me if I had ever seen £24,500 all screwed up. I sez: “Never in my lifetime!” She then asked me to go and have a look in the garage....
Don't let Covid kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
No comments:
Post a Comment